I'm sorry the explanation was confusing (my teaching must be rusty 😇). However, you did a great job with verb 'brightened'. Look what it does. It makes the scene vivid. It expresses his hope in a rescue. All the more disappointing when the police turn him away.
As for the rest of your story, I didn't tell you how well you did. We feel the cold, the hopelessness as this traveler seeks shelter for the night. We are upset because he has no place to stay, but also because he is left on his own, without any hope of help coming along.
A really good job (and thanks for those nice words about teachers).
That is a great idea. We have a library of good advice there.