This story has so many strengths. As I was reading it I thought of "Death of a Salesman", "Glengarry Glenross", "The Winter of Our Discontent". These all have at their heart a man who has lost his way, who has lost his vision for a future, who has lost the ambition to change course. In each case--in your story--the protagonist suffers from a malaise, an inability to move forward. The protagonists are frozen in place by their psyches.Hello @ridgette,
Scenes you describe emphasize this emotional stagnation:
He stared at the plain walls across him. His work was like these plain walls. Plain and hard. Useful yet bland.
Despite the worth of your story, I did have a couple of issues with it. Who is Gramps? You seems to hint that he is Aoi's grandfather, but we are confused. Is he related to Tanaka? While this doesn't seem like an important detail, it is distracting. Also, Tanaka's relationship to Aoi is not clear. These two are obviously close, and yet she calls him 'Mr.' and they both are very fond of 'Gramps'. Although these details seem to be insignificant, they take up room in the reader's mind (my mind 😇) and the focus should be on Tanaka's conflict.
Your use of the health crisis as a catalyst to motivate the protagonist works well. This crisis compels Tanaka to resolution of his dilemma. It doesn't matter if the change of course leads to what he wishes. What matters is that the condition of stasis is broken.
You have a lot of potential, @ridgette. For me, you are an author worth reading because you have something to say. I look forward to reading more from you.
who is Gramps?, I kinda hinted it in their phone convo:Thanks for the motivating words, @agmoore (ꈍᴗꈍ). So,
And yeah, I intentionally left their relationship vague because I really find beauty in uncertainty, and as for Aoi calling him Mr. Tanaka, it's kind of work ethic (?) to call your customers that way; may he/she be your friend... Well, I'm not certain if that was necessary—but it's like her grabbing his attention that way... because they knew each other, I just want to give the benefit of the doubt on him (because I'm sure he recognized Aoi's voice, but maybe he's just mistaken?) and as well on the readers' part.
I'm glad that someone has noticed this detail because I'm really fond of mysteries, so I tend to put details such as that. Thanks for the advice, and I'll surely try to apply it to the next prompts. Thanks for taking time to read my writing prompt @agmoore (≧▽≦)!