The burial went well. I stood by the graveside as the coffin was lowered in. My heart was bursting with sorrow at the sight. It was like saying the last goodbye to my mother. The pictures of her struggle with cancer, how her body was pitifully emancipated, how she constantly kept vomiting blood, her last words before she passed flashed in my mind.
“Come, you are not supposed to be by the graveside.” One of my aunt's called to me.
“Ok.” I said but remained.
I stood there until the grave was completely covered with the red earth that was piled on it.
Throughout that day and the next, I walked about in a kind of a daze. I thought about my mother's life, how she'd lived. How good she'd been to me and my siblings, her care and her compassion. It felt so sad all that would be no more. I felt a new dawn coming to my life, but it was not a good dawn.
Of course by the time my mom passed I had attained some level of financial stability, but still I wanted her around, I wanted her in my life. There was a kind of connection I had with her that I didn't with any other person. I'm an introvert and I suck at making conversations, but with Mom, conversations went smoothly. I told her things I hadn't told anyone else. Often asked for her counsel on certain matters. She asked me for counsel sometimes too.
Her death came as a rude shock. I remember the day I went to the hospital with her for more diagnosis on her medical condition. My dad joined us later. I think the doctor they saw that day was Asian.
“The doctor said very little life is remaining in your mom.” I think my dad told me.
Sorrow pervaded my heart.
She passed on a Thursday after being in coma for almost a week. I and my brothers had donated blood for her but it all came to nothing. I remember how my face had streamed with tears when my aunt, my mom's younger sister, relayed the message to me.
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“Oh, so mum's gone.” I bowed my head and cried.
My mom was a beacon of compassion and care in my life. And since her passing I haven't found any person to confide in like I did with her. The vaccum of her absence is very difficult to bear.
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Of course I have siblings, I have a good relationship with all of them. My dad's still alive, and I also have friends. But my mom was one of a kind to me.
Her passing signlaled the arrival of an unpleasant dawn in my life. I have been trying to cope ever since. Imagine life is like a journey you're making through a lonely path. But you're making that journey with just one person, who's keeping you company, and throughout that journey not one soul in sight, just the two of you. And then at a certain point in that journey even that person is taken from you and you must continue alone. That's who mom was to me.
I remember the day I came home and gave part of the first salary I earned to her and my dad. I remember the happiness on their faces, I felt satisfied just seeing it. It makes me recall a lot of things I was planning to do for my mother before she passed. Not possible anymore.
Gradually I'm coping with this situation. I believe when a person leaves our lives and creates a vaccum, someone else comes to filled that vaccum. Maybe that's what will happen to me. Though sometimes, the vaccum is never adequately filled.
