Yo, welcome to the Ink Well! The mods are great and give great feedback. If you wanna improve as a writer this is the place to be. 👍
But I see you already have a good grasp of things - this was a really solid showing. The use of the prompt was great, and your writing just kinda flows. The only critique I'd give is that your punctuation needs work in several places. You know the story you wanna tell, and you know how to tell, now it's time to understand the reader's side of things. 🙂
If you want I can give you detailed examples of which sections I'd sproosen up with some better punctuation. But if you're serious about getting better, you should be able to identify those areas.
Anyways, have a good one and I hope to see you improve! 🍻
Thanks very much yeah I noticed those areas thanks for pointing it out.