I shouldn’t have slammed the door. I shouldn’t have let him walk away. But whenever I'm angry, it burns like fire and I let it destroy the only thing I ever cherished.
I recall that cold Tuesday evening. It had rained earlier, so everywhere was damp and smelled of wet earth. I stood by my room window staring at people passing by with umbrellas that told tales of the storm.
Inside my house, was this rage of unfinished business. I was cracking inside. Trying to hold back hurtful words that filled my mouth.
A little argument has resulted in something big. It has left my husband and I throwing hurtful words at each other. And I wasn't going to let him win.
"You always do this, Julie," Michael said, his words were like glass under my bare feet. "You have to learn to trust me."
I scoffed. "Trust you? You left the house so early in the morning yesterday and you're coming back today."
"Because you said you needed me to give you space. You asked me to."
I turned to face him. My arms crossed. "And you did. You couldn't even stay back to apologize."
He shook his head. "What do you mean to apologize? Apologize for something I didn't do?"
The room felt smaller, the air tighter. I knew I was overreacting, but pride held me still. I needed an apology from him for no reason at all. I was the lady in the relationship and he should be fair enough to treat me like one.
"Yes, Michael. Yes. Apologize for putting me through this emotional trauma," I muttered.
Michael stopped, he tried to speak but swallowed hard. "You're gaslighting me again."
I placed my hand on my forehead. "It's not gaslighting. It's being fair. Or maybe you shouldn't have come back home. Maybe you should go back to wherever you're coming from."
Little did I know those words would change everything.
Michael stopped again. He looked at me with pain in his eyes. "You're right. Maybe I shouldn't have come home. It was more peaceful out there than here." He said in a soft, tired voice.
I walked to the door flung it open, and stood aside. "Then go."
For a second he didn't move. He just stood there staring at me. I thought he was going to bend to my need and apologize. But, I couldn't believe it as he grabbed his jacket and walked out the door. I was expecting him to apologize and we would start afresh. But seeing him walk out the door flared this rage within me.
"Walk away. Just like you've always done." I yelled at him before slamming the door.
All through that night, I thought I had made the right decision. But gradually, I felt something heavier than my decision.
Regret.
For days I didn't hear from Micheal. The silence was cruel. Yet, I told myself I wouldn't be the first to reach out.
Then, one evening, my phone buzzed.
I checked it was Michael calling.
I stared at it, my heart pounding. I smiled, he had finally succumbed and called. Exactly what I wanted. The moment I needed to act tough. Then forgive him and ask him to come home.
But before I could answer, the call ended.
I groaned. But I didn't call back.
I was about to drop my phone when a message came in. This time it was from his sister's number.
Julie, I'm texting because I don't have the courage to tell you...
I felt tears blur my vision as I read the rest of the message.
Michael is gone. He was in an accident. It was a drunk driver.
I stood up immediately, but my knees buckled, and I slumped back on the couch. My head spun around. The world felt silent and the only thing I heard was his last words echoing in my head
"You're right. Maybe I shouldn't have come home. It was more peaceful out there than here."
I pressed my hand to my mouth, trying to hold back the cry. But it was too powerful to hold back. I regretted my actions. I wished I never told him all that I said. I wished I hadn't listened to my pride and apologized and told him how I love him.
Now, I will live with the words stuck in my mouth. And the regret, in my heart.
Pride can send someone to where he or she does not expect. Why would one apologize for a crime he or she did not commit?
He will indeed walk out because you have not made the right decision. You have seen what you had caused. Pride had caused you what you would never forget.
This is one sad story, i can imagine the pain Michael felt because of how Julie spoke to him. They say, it’s not always good for one to speak when angry and "Pride goeth before a fall". She will live with the repercussion of her decisions for the rest of her life.