I really couldn't make out the chaos that lingered In front of the entrance to our departmental lecture hall that morning. We were supposed to have an early 8:am class, and I had arrived just in time to secure the best seat, only to meet a hive of humans, some pushing forcefully and trying to make their way through the crowd. Some ladies had their wigs to the ground from the fierce struggle.
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One frail looking boy who had tried to maneuver just to get in, got the push of his life. As he tried to get through, he was brushed by the shoulders of some weighty girls who wouldn't grant him access.The books in his hands found its way on the floor, and it was trampled on before he could even lift his head.I watched the scene from a distance, as I couldn't get myself to squeeze through the crowd.
It took the campus security to disperse the crowd of students with sad looking and anxious faces. The previous semester’s results had been released. The tension and anxiety that accompanied the release of each semester’s results were deep. Freshers understood that failure meant extra fees for registration of the course and even longer study hours to rewrite the course. I sat there in the hall looking indifferent, after everyone had been sent in for the morning lectures. I carried this weight of confidence whenever results were released. My hardwork and mastery of the courses couldn't be questioned, so I could relax knowing my grades would be just fine.
I was the envy of my class, so to say. While some freshmen could barely find their bearing or make a grip of the courses, I was way ahead. My comprehension of the courses made my course mates surround me almost all the time, just to get me to explain troubling concepts and theories. It wasn't just my intellects that stood out, my beauty did too. I was about the youngest in my class, with a charming innocent look which sat well on my oval bottle smooth face. My skin looked like it had never been touched by the hot sun of Nigeria in the dry season. It was flawless. Most came in the guise of people who needed help with academics, only to make advances which often fell on deaf ears.
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“You sang so well today,” he said, while walking towards me after the Friday campus fellowship. It was Kene, the media coordinator of our fellowship. It felt good to receive this compliment from him. I admired him for a while from a distance, but couldn't get myself to talk to him. He always looked busy, so I couldn't gain access to him. Receiving these compliments had made my day.
“I'm sure with people like you, the fellowship will get even stronger” He continued, as we both walked home that evening.
“Sure,” I told him confidently.
I got to my room that evening with wild fantasies of him. He looked just like the kind of guy I wanted in my space. I always loved a touch of spiritual and witty, and it was obvious Kene was mixed with these two traits. I knew I had to be at the fellowship just in time to get his attention before the commencement of the service, if I was to have any meaningful relationship with him. I considered asking for his contact, then I recoiled as that would be a desperate move. I had to strategize and find other ways to get his attention.
I was approaching the University's cafeteria, when I spotted Dr Kennedy, one of our lecturers. I quickly used the next turn so I could avoid contact with him. I couldn't let him see me that afternoon. I feared to be quizzed, or made to feel like I was going out of line. I had been unable to attend lectures for a week. I was always at the campus fellowship house preparing for our upcoming retreat and building my life around Kene too. I couldn't explain how I felt whenever I saw him, but my emotions always got ahead of me when he came around. Sadly, I wasn't too sure this was mutual.
I was outside that evening surrounded with the embrace of the evening breeze at the fellowship centre where I had constantly pitched my tent. Kene was approaching the entrance and my blood became cold while my heart began to pound very fast.
“Hello, Nora” he said to me and walked past in the company of another. I expected he would say something more, perhaps, tell me who it was he came in with, or even indulge me for a while, but it didn't happen. I felt very pained that night like he had broken a part of me. I hadn't returned to the hostel so early in a long while, but I did that evening. I was to lead that night's fellowship, but my voice was gone from crying all evening.
“What are you doing?” Mary, my friend, asked me when she came to my room the next day. “Do you know you have missed several tests these few weeks because you're chasing clouds?”
I buried my head in pure shame as she spoke to me. I had lost it, thinking a relationship that didn't exist existed. Of all things I was in control of, my emotions were not part of it. I had devoted my time to winning Kene’s heart, that I forgot where my books were.
There was a strange feel as I walked towards the department's notice board that afternoon. The usual confidence I exuded when my results were released had been replaced with fear. I didn't even know what to expect. The exams had been tough. No matter how much I tried to read, memories of Kene would get me trapped, and I would only sleep off afterwards. As I made to check the results, Dr Kennedy emerged from his office, and called me aside.
“You'll have to explain how you made an F in my course," he said looking very disappointed. I buried my head in shame and couldn't look up, while my eyes began to release uncontrollable tears.
I can totally relate, It's tough balancing academic pressures and personal feelings, especially when distractions like crushes come into play.
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