‘I feel trapped. I can’t breathe. I need to breathe’. These thoughts ran through my head repeatedly as I struggled to find a wrapper and tie it around my body. Remind me never to sleep unclad. I couldn’t breathe in my own room and needed to get outside, but I had to get covered up first. I did; however, it felt like it took so long to get out of my room, and I believed that I would collapse. I finally got outside and pushed open the door to the balcony as I stepped out onto it. The gush of cold air filtered through my lungs. I took it all in and let it out, one deep breath at a time.
My hands clutched my wrapper to my chest as I shivered. Since the balcony was upstairs, I was able to see my neighborhood. It was in the dead of night, and everywhere was dark, quiet, and still, almost like a cemetery, but it was interrupted occasionally by barking street dogs, the whistle of the hunters and security guards, or the deep cough from the TB patient in a room in the compound next to mine.
I sat on a chair that was always placed on the balcony and decided to stay there for a while. I wondered why I couldn’t breathe. I was asleep. I was fine, or so I thought. I was at a point in my life where I believed that I couldn’t be loved. I was so sure I was unloved, and in the places where I searched for love, I found nothing.
It was earlier that day that I made a few calls to all my potential life partners. I was exhausted from the unending talks and dates that were not leading anywhere and so, I decided to end them. My search for potential partners needed to come to an end. 'Relax, baby girl; you aren’t even thirty yet’, my mind whispered at me. ‘I need to learn to be alone’, I whispered back.
‘Ah! You? It would be difficult for you’.
‘It would not!’, I retorted.
‘You intended to isolate yourself. When will you let yourself be loved? When will you let yourself live a little?’, that voice in my mind asked.
The question my mind fired at me didn’t have an answer. I honestly couldn’t find an answer.
‘Isn’t it better to kill all hopes of finding love than to expect it? I am tired of hoping and trying. I am tired of putting myself out there and constantly being let down each time. This cycle needs to stop. I need to learn to love myself!’, I fired at the voice in my mind.
‘Ah-ah. There, girl, you said it. I have watched you all your life. I have been here with you. You continue to make sacrifices for those you care about, and even when you can’t, you hurt yourself trying. In all of these, there is no one to talk to. You have friends, and you’re starving for friendship. You have lovers, but none to call your own. You can’t seem to just find your own person, and the thought of that sends you crying to sleep on most nights. You are scared to let anyone get to know you for fear of them running away from you. You never take time off to rest, heal, or simply live. You work and work and distract yourself with music, movies, parties, and boys rather than process your emotions and decide from them. You repeatedly make mistakes, and you don’t want to make another, but you always do’, this voice said.
For a moment, there was silence in my head, and I felt a tear drop from my left eye and felt it roll down my chin.
‘You are unapologetically human, baby girl. I know you are scared of loving someone again. You work so hard, and you are wondering when it all ends. The billing and trying to keep up with life, promises, and commitments are tiresome. You want commitment, yet you are scared of it. You have these dreams, and you wonder if you would even get to fulfil one, if not all. You worry about your family and friends, and all you can do is just pray for them, even though you want to do more. You are just a human, baby girl. It's okay to feel like this.’
‘Really?’, I asked.
‘Yes, really. Rather than worry, why don’t you start being grateful? Be thankful for all you have and try to find joy in these little things, such as the air you breathe, which you take for granted. Be thankful that your family and friends are alive. Be thankful that you still have a heart and that you aren’t dead inside, despite all the emotional hurt you have been through. You still have it better than others. Be wiser, be smarter, keep working and pushing, and one day you will look back and be grateful that you did not relent. Love yourself. Let go of your insecurities and let yourself heal. You are going to be okay, and everything’s going to be okay’.
I took solace in these words and tried to find strength in them. The days I feel down and want to give up, I still keep pushing, and I remind myself that I am going to be okay. All my hard work and all I have learned from life shouldn’t be for nothing; there must be more to my life. There must be more to me.
The calls I made earlier that day filled me with longing and hurt. It was no surprise that I woke up feeling suffocated and unable to breathe. I will find fulfilment and happiness in this life; I just have to wait and keep my hopes up.
"You're going to be okay, Sarah", I said aloud this time as I stood up and walked back to my room to sleep. And this time, I slept much more easily.
Your inner dialogue is a powerful reminder that we all have moments of doubt and struggle, but it's also a testament to your strength and resilience. It's okay to take a step back, reflect, and find gratitude in the little things. You're not alone in this journey, and with time, patience, and self-love, you'll find the fulfilment and happiness you seek.
Fulfilment? Yes. Happiness? Maybe. Only time will tell.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment😊😊
You're welcome.
We all have that moments where we feel trapped and feeling suffocated but the best way out is to breathe and continue breathing.
You will be fine. Love yourself first and you will see just how happy and free you would be.
Thanks for sharing your story.
@rukkie
I'm still learning to love myself, it's not easy but I'm trying because I want to give out so much love but I can't give when I've got no deposit.
Thank you for reading😊
We hope everything is going to be okay in our Lives 🙏
@sommylove
We must keep our hopes up!
Thank you😩
Yes 🙏
Thanks
Yes, you need to learn to love yourself, at least that's one thing we make mistake on as humans. We love other people much more and forget that we matter too.
Hmm.
To learn is something! It's not easy to try to put yourself first.
Thank you @iskawrites
Is it adulthood or just life sometimes I wonder. The more we grow the more we understand that sometimes we just have to let go and let anything that might want happen to happen
Laslas we will be alright, but having a supportive family or friends really matter a lot
True, having supportive friends and family can make a difference!
Thanks for stopping by😊
You’re welcome
Some lyrics written with the feeling experienced in a difficult time, moments where we feel at the limit and giving up is an option that is considered, Then we rise from the ashes like the phoenix being better. I really liked how you narrated experience with that poetic touch.
Thanks for sharing.
Good day.
I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
I can't wait to rise from my ashes though.
Thank you for reading 😊
Self exploration is always the toughest journey to embark on. However, once you begin the process of unpicking the problems, you often discover the solutions hiding under the threads. You found your way forward and it was not easy. You’ve learned to accept yourself and that’s always a miracle.
😊
Thank you so much @theinkwell