To Failure,
I thought of you yesterday while I was in the middle of drifting to sleep and keeping hold of the conscious. When I thought of you, I felt fear race through my veins and grip my heart vise-like. The fear of you held me tight and I almost couldn't breathe. I thought about my second semester results that hasn't been released. I knew I had thrown in my best for the exams. I had gone sleepless nights, reading, memorizing, understanding. I wrote down all I knew in the exams. But the uncertainty of it all is depressing. What if I didn't write well? What if I fail? What if? And so, I kept praying and pleading last night. A mantra of “God, please. God, please” spilling from my lips till I slept off.
Today, I thought of you again and how you have doggedly stayed in my mind_my subconscious. An intruder, I see your dark hands subtly pulling my strings, trying to tug me back. Every single day, I take tentative steps towards making decisions. Should I or should I not? A series of what-ifs. For fear of you, I have let good opportunities pass me by. I remember when I wanted to submit my work for the Commonwealth Short story Contest. I wrote something lovely. I was ready to submit it and all I had to do was go to the website and click submit. But fear of failure gripped me. What if my story was not found eligible? What if it wasn't shortlisted? What if I didn't win? I never submitted. So, I never got my answers. And in that, I had failed myself. I would never know now. I never thought of the possibility of my story being eligible, being shortlisted. I never thought of the possibility of winning. That's one thing about you, isn't it? You never let me think of the possibility of positive things happening.
Some time back, I was in a romantic entanglement of some sort. After an argument, I was ready to call it quits without even trying. I was ready to give up just because of a little fight. My potential partner had asked, “Why do I always feel like you are about to run away? What are you afraid of?” I wouldn't give him an answer then. But when I got home, I thought. Of course, I feared heartbreak and the feeling of loss that came with it. I feared losing myself. I feared loving too much. But, the biggest fear of all was that of failure. I feared I would fail at that thing called love. I kept thinking that I would make terrible mistakes if I tried to go into it. I wasn't willing to try or put my all in it. The choice of not knowing was more appealing. So, I chose the path of loneliness instead. What I failed to understand was that love wasn't perfect or error free. What made love beautiful was the willingness to try, adore, cherish, forgive and fight for those you loved over and over again.
I see how unapologetic you show up in my life_uninvited, unwanted. Like in dreams that didn't come to pass. Like in goals that could not be achieved. Like in plans that got toppled before they were even solidified. While I hate the aftermath of failing_the loss, the sadness, the mourning, I realized something. I can see what you are trying to teach me. Even though your lessons come in the hardest way, I can understand the reason for your existence. You are not the enemy. You are a companion who pushes me to be my best. You show me where my weaknesses lie over and over again, so that I can work harder on them and turn them into strengths. You show me that mistakes happen so they can be learnt from, so they might not be repeated again. You make me resilient, dogged, headstrong_ so I never get beaten up again. You teach me patience, so I don't give up after the first try. You make me wiser. If things always went my way whenever I wanted, I would never learn anything.
You are not the foe. I will not run away from you. I will try my best at anything I want to do. I will put in the work. I will not think of the negative what-ifs? And if you come, I will embrace you because I know I will be better and stronger for it.
Sincerely,
Terjix.
A very emotional letter where you explore every corner of your being, fear of failure, struggle to move forward, with confusion and doubts. We all go through those stages that challenge us to be better.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
Excellent Thursday.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment.✨
Well, one becomes unafraid of failure when they realise that success comes by us failing and learning from the failures. Think of Abe Lincoln, Thomas Edison, etc. If they had been afraid of failure they wouldn't have achieved the greatness for which they are famous. So don't be afraid to fail because when you fail you succeed.
I wouldn't qualify your story as either fiction or nonfiction. Which is it please?
Well, I think it's non-fiction.🥲 It's basically me telling my story of my fear of failure through this letter and how it has stopped me from going through with things.
Ok. Thanks for writing.