What an interesting and intense experience, @cloflo. Time and the love of your family will give you comfort from the spiritual loss you suffer so painfully. There is no one way to love God and he will not leave your life. Thankfully your illness yielded to treatments and the dark prognoses failed.
Thank you very much not just for giving me again your time but also for posting your prompts. I am often surprised that the prompts give me opportunities to remember things in my past and process them again.
I still choose to be grateful to God despite everything that happened. It might not be enough, but I think that's what I can do for now. Hopefully, there are still things-- better things waiting for me in my spiritual journey.