Hello @madamnaomi thank you for sharing your story with us. Please note that we do not accept photos from istock, as they are not royalty free. Additionally, as others have said, this story feels unresolved.
We often provide feedback to writers who are just getting started. The Ink Well has some great resources in our catalog of fiction writing tips. For example, we have tips on developing characters in your stories, and integrating action, dialog and narrative. These resources can help you learn how to include the important elements of fiction in your stories.
When we list off characters with their ages and some details, it is hard for the reader to feel invested, or remember who is who. We hope this helps!
Thank you so much for the corrections. I’ve duly noted them.