This story brims with potential and it has much vitality. Unfortunately, there are a number of errors in the text that stall the reading. If you use a tool such as Google Docs to write your stories you might find it helpful. Additionally, find an online free grammar checker and utilise it to streamline your stories.
Thank you for stopping and leaving your comment. I've actually been using Google Docs, but I think it doesn't have the expected effect, I'm going to look for other tools, thanks for the observation.
Happy day!