"I AM EDMOND DANTES."
This is what I whispered as I stared back at myself in my bathroom mirror.
It was a four-word-code that conveyed so much with so little.
It was a way to remind myself that I had the power to rise up from any and all circumstances.
It was a secret message that meant that happiness was the only true measure of success.
It said that life gives me exactly what I need to become what I want to be.
And it told me that the reason I didn’t have what I wanted most, is because a part of me was afraid to death of the consequences of getting what my heart most desired.
The Count Of Monte Cristo
My favorite book is The Count Of Monte Cristo. It is a story of a man wronged by the world around him, betrayed at the moment of his greatest success and thrown into a dungeon for fourteen long years. Forgotten by the world, he survives while feeding his mind the poisonous nectar of revenge.
Like most fiction, this novel muddles some themes more than it illuminates them, and uses everything as a way of moving the plot forward. But the way it deals with the theme of happiness and fear is truly remarkable. It is one of those instances where the author manages to express a fundamental truth while not necessarily believing in it himself.
The Fear Of Happiness
Edmond Dantes feels the greatest amount of fear at three points in the novel. The first time is when he seems to have gotten everything he ever wanted and is sitting at his engagement celebration. He speaks of being fearful of his own happiness, of being terrorized by it.
The second time is when he is being taken to the dungeon where he would spend the next 14 years, abandoned by everyone he ever knew or loved.
And the third time, on the island of Monte Cristo, when he is left alone to look for his treasure. He fears disappointment so much that he wants to stop looking for the treasure. He would rather keep his fantasy and hope than be betrayed by reality yet again.
One of the reasons why I love the book so much (the Robin Buss translation especially) is that it makes you feel what the hero feels. The part where he is finally alone on the island that holds his treasure is one of those heartbreaking human moments - you are closer than you have ever been to to your dream, and it terrifies you!
But, every plot needs a starting point. Why did Edmond Dantes need to go through so much suffering in his life, besides giving us a good story?
Let us diagnose and explain the problem.
The Diagnosis
The fear of happiness is the fear of loss. And that is rooted in the feeling of unworthiness.
He was a man who dreamed big dreams and he, like all of us, wanted to be happy. This happiness came, but he did not embrace it fully. He feared it because it was unknown to him. It caused many insecurities, limiting beliefs and superstitions to come flying out of hidden recesses of his mind. He was terrified by good fortune and his happiness was more of an excited terror than anything else.
This is why life took it away.
Edmond Dantes needed to embrace his power and believe in life, to trust it. So a 14-year-long nightmare ensued, where he would have a chance to grow and remake himself.
This is what programming does. Edmond was taught by society that happiness is hard-won, that it was fleeting, that it couldn’t be attained by “common-folk” and that life was unjust and unfair. No wonder he feared the good things so much - something terrible must be waiting in the shadows.
And, in a case of self-fulfilling prophecy, he was right.
Even after he won his freedom and found his treasure, he wasn’t free enough or rich enough to be happy. Before he was imprisoned in the Château d'If, his fear manifested as terror in the face of the unknown. In the Château d'If, it was turned into despair. When he got out, it turned to revenge and self-sacrifice. Always, this fear was with him.
After 23 long years, he became something more than he was before, and after all his pain and suffering he let go of his burdens. He realized that happiness was always there, right beside him.
The Count of Monte Cristo sailed into the sunset. Did he sail into his happiness? Maybe. Did he take his fear with him? I don't know.
Every time I read the book, I hope that he has let his fear drown in the depths of the Mediterranean. I hope that Edmond Dantes finally breathes freely and happily.
I hope and I remember that I too am Edmond Dantes.
I Am Edmond Dantes
*When I self-sabotage in pursuit of success and happiness, I am Edmond Dantes.
When I climb out of my pit of despair and claw my way into the sunlight, I am Edmond Dantes.
When I embrace my power and believe in it, I am Edmond Dantes.
And hopefully, someday, I will look into the mirror and see something more. And on that day, Edmond Dantes will no longer fear his own happiness.
