High on Caffeine High on Life

It has been almost a month since the quarantine started.Things get old very quickly. These days there are less and less conversation about coronavirus.Nobody is updating their status on coronavirus which I think it's better that way. There are still some who updates about it.But it's getting lesser It's healthier.

As the tide seems to get calmer, my life slowly resumes. Including the old way I conduct my lifestyle. I was an avid coffee drinker and a drinker with a motto " write drunk, edit sober". Those were the times I got words flowing and having no problem articulating my ideas nor afraid of the consequences. I simply don't give a fuck of anything.

However, these days with tightened security, censorship, and other things,I think twice of what I say. Sometimes, I am trying too hard to become a PC. Naturally, I am surrounded by people who are highly PC and I am in a PC environment. I just don't think that's the way I want to lead my life.

I spent a lot of time trying to please others. Because I think if I just become myself, nobody will ever really like my ideas, thoughts, and views on life that can be quite radical for most, where I live. I simply withdrew from any political discourse and research. Shortly, my life became boring.

I fell into nothingness. I no longer feel joy conducting my daily life. I no longer feel like, live is worth living if I just try to please others and say things they want to hear.

I am tired. I have spent a year or two, trying to heal myself and find ways that actually get my dopamine going and have a purpose to serve in life. I discovered ways that actually help me revert to my old lifestyle. It's working.

Working, whatever that is always makes me happy.I think about the days I put effort into my writing, my graphic design and researched here and there. I followed and discovered trends that are only becoming mainstream these days. I don't even have the time to peek on others life cause mine was interesting.

On Monday, I was high on caffeine. I had three cups of great coffee and a croissant. It was bringing back all the memories I had about my previous life. I know that I am now a different person but a lifestyle is something I can always start all over again. So, as expected I felt quite limitless. I started loving math at 3 am and did it until 4 am. My mind was racing trying to revise things I have learned in my life. It was quite thrilling experience. When the effect wears off, I feel like a crap. I am back to the loser lifestyle I had built since the past one year.

I woke up in the morning feeling like I should change. Some parts of me died and the new me isn't any better. It's worse. Hence why, I think I need to revert to the old lifestyle that I used to have. Something that suits the real me. I know that many won't like it but that makes me happy and that's what matters above all things. That being said, I should stop writing bunch of low-quality craps too. I need to put more better efforts like I used to, years ago.

That means more word counts, better illustrations, simply put more efforts. I know, I have been slacking off with it but it has come to an end, slowly but steady. In my quests of finding myself again, I find out that I love technology, language, religion, politic, geography, math, economy, history and art. These are my top interest. So, I will definitely blog about these things other than my regular hobbies I picked up on the side.

Now, when I think about it. The 19 years old me would have slapped the now me. I neglected so many things in my life including my personal care. So, coffee makes me realize things I have missed. Including how good my old lifestyle was.

~ Mac

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mamalikh13 (68) 5 years ago

Hey, all you need to do is to step back into who you are. Trust me, your not gonna like it if you just live behind some mask. I'm gonna recommend this book one more time. :) <3