Whenever I am at the hospital I tend to reflect on the life that brought me here and how different things could have been with a few small deviations. For example, what would my life have been like if the doctor I was taken to hadn't been incompetent and misdiagnosed me for eight months? I was just a kid, I didn't have much choice in the matter and, I wasn't really in the best shape to make decisions anyway.
I was talking about habits in my last post and how they become our skills and personal resources to call upon, but the inverse is true also. Habits can become the anchor hat holds us back and when I was young, I got into the habit of using my illness as an excuse for not doing the things that I didn't want to do - and it cost me.
While I didn't choose to be sick, I did choose to allow my illness to taker control and form my habits and therefore "anti-resources" instead of skills. Time is precious and how it is invested matters and the attention we pay to how we use it affects everything in our life and I wasted a massive amount of time being ill and concerned with what I couldn't do, rather than what I could.
Thousands upon thousands of hours, down the drain - wasted.
The choices we make when we feel we have no choice might be the most important we face, as it is these that become the door out or the chair to sit in and remain still. I sat still for a long time and while during those years I felt I was doing my best, in hindsight I was lazy and pathetic.
But of course, I was doing my best and even though looking back I can recognize that my best was poor, it is only possible because I have made it this far out and improved myself enough that I am able to see how far I have come. I try to forgive my younger self as while it was me, the me I am today is far from that person in so many ways.
I find it interesting to think that while over a life time there is the feeling of consistently being the same person, we are in a continual state of evolution and degradation and once there is enough distance between, the steps of change can be witnessed. From the moment though, the changes we go through are imperceptible to the consciousness, kind of like if a ball was thrown straight up in the air, there is a split second that before it changes direction to fall back to earth, it is still, not going up, not going down.
We live in that space
I wonder how often we are actually aware of the moments that change us and shift the direction of our lives and how close to that point can we actually observe as it approaches zero. I figure that there always has to be some space between the event and the observer, even when we are experiencing it all ourselves, as it takes time and distance for the self-reflection to transfer. And then, we also have to pay enough attention to be aware.
How much time needs to pass before we forgive ourselves?
A small question for some, large for others - but I think just like forgiving the limitations of others, it takes a mature person to actually accept and forgive - not just ignore and move on - that is not acceptance.
For me, I think it takes time to first recognize my failures and then come to terms with the fact that with all the resources I had at the time, that is the best I could do - even if I would do differently knowing what I know now.
There have been many benefits to my illness and while I wouldn't have wished for it, now that I have experienced it, I wouldn't want to lose the lessons I have learned as they have added to my toolbox of skills to reach into and call upon. It has also given me a perspective on the world I do not think I would have obtained otherwise, and I find value in it - even though I would have learned different lessons given a different life.
While there may be very little (if anything) we can actually choose for ourselves at a core level, on the surface we are able to change our directions by attending to our lives and choosing where we spend our time. As said, I wasted a great deal of opportunity as a sick teen and it became a pattern in my life for a time, but eventually I woke up and started moving.
I don't know if everyone can do it, perhaps some can't - but, it is up to each of us to discover our potential or avoid it. I like to ask myyself, if it doesn't make me better, why am I doing it? and many people I tell this to respond with, rest and relaxation is needed too. Of course it is, but I also have enough experience to know, that sitting still for too long passively consuming only benefits so far, before the ball starts moving in the other direction and it becomes damaging.
If we keep sitting intentionally, we are making the choice for ourselves, but too often in reflection - we will look for someone or something else to blame. There is no end to the list of contenders, but the one that matters is in the mirror.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
You hit the nail on the head for me at least!
A small question for some, large for others - but I think just like forgiving the limitations of others, it takes a mature person to actually accept and forgive - not just ignore and move on - that is not acceptance.
Some of us are unable to discover our true potential for reasons unknown to us and it is up to us to find the answers!
My eternal problem is to ignore and move on. As a youth I got beaten up almost every day and called naughty. Just because I dindn't do things right. But I became accustomed to ignore and move on.
Years later we discovered that the "Corpus Collosum" the link between my a and b brains are damaged. I have only 13% left brain capacity and the rest is all right brain.
Imagine that, going through life thinking that you are screwed up and in the meantime there was a real issue that could be corrected if it was known.
I was a very poor learner at school and always stared out the windows, Got many hidings hahaha, but after the discovery many years later, graduated with a degree!
A lesson in life, get a second opinion!
Stay well my friend!
Does it affect your type of thinking? I am not sure how scientific left/right brain stuff is anymore, but it must have some affect on the thought process. I think that divergent brains are valuable as they give the opportunity to find what a normal brain will skip.
This is what ended up getting me the diagnosis - the problem was that the issue was chronic by that stage and not much could be done.
So, I presume that you still suffer from the same condition?
A team of doctors wanted me to sign so that they could amputate my left leg 1980 after a severe motorbike prang. I spent 3 months in hospital and 2 years in plaster.
Of course I refused and I still walk on the leg to this day, only due to the head of the orthopedic section at another hospital advising me that we could save my leg.
Regarding my thinking patterns, it was an big issue some years ago, as some thought me simple and others thought me genius Lol. On and off depending on which brain directs my speech and my actions. An added big problem is that as a result I have two right hands and two left hands.(Ambidextrous)
Same with my feet and it was a huge problem in the army, as I got out marching as soon as I could. They appointed me as the boxing trainer.
The accident also left me with some chronic conditions that are worsening as I age, but I embrace and ignore them.
It's simple.
Smash all mirrors.
I don't appear in mirrors anyway
@tipu curate
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I agree... Forward - always forward. I think I blamed the wrong people for my own shortcomings, and it wasn't until I took ownership that life turned in a better direction.
Le sigh.
!tip .20
I think this is what most find once they do it - and the owned failures becomes easier to bear as well.
When you're thinking back are you thinking of having done things differently with knowledge you have now or just if something different had been done with what you knew then? :) Although that's probably harder to do :S
Knowing what I know now of course as knowing what I knew then, I would do the same thing all over :D
You don't have any 50/50 decisions where making the other decision may have altered things just as drastically as knowing then what you do now? :D
Definitely, but it would at least be a different experience - I am pretty sure I was destined to be a F1 driver/ international man of mystery - kind of like James Bond, but better/ billionaire philanthropist.
Isn't everyone destined for fame/fortune/definitely something better than the riff raff they're surounded by? :D
Yep - unfortunately, I am the riffraff
You're in good company :D
Or...is it bad company? O_o
So true as sitting idle as been the downfall of many
Standing still should be an active decision, not the default :)
For some reason, the image didn't appear on Twitter this time, any ideas?
My HIVE posts have stopped doing this recently. I have had to upload a seperate image for them to show.
Perhaps something in the code changed.
@jarvie? Twitter images aren't showing straight from Twitter - is it on your end or theirs?
You must hate me tagging you :D
Take A Breather Or Three@dswigle wrote lately about: Feel free to follow @dswigle if you like it :)
Sending tips with @tipU - how to guide.
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