I wasn't able to access your video @hiddenblade but after viewing your creative process above (plus your mood as you paint) I wonder if your art represents the fact that you are trying release some kind of inner turmoil but a part of you wants to keep these thoughts hidden for fear of rejection?
You wouldn't be alone if this was the case but the very fact that you have begun the process is very positive. The beauty about the process of creating brings freedom, release, stimulation, inspiration and so much more.
Some people use words, whether spoken or written for its cathartic value, artists do the same without realizing it at times. If we treat our art as the gift that it is, we are blessed indeed. 🎨 🌼 💝