Love is a crazy thing. It can affect you both positively and negatively. Several years ago, I was in an incredible relationship with an even more incredible woman. When she walked out of my life, it affected me more than any other relationship I've ever had before. I was reading through some old emails today when I stumbled across one of the emails that I'd written to her after she broke up with me. It was a bit depressing to go back through and read a letter that I'd written from back then. It was well-written though and I wanted to share it with you all here.
This was my heartbroken love letter to her.
"As I'm typing this it's almost 4 in the morning. I've been up for nearly 24 hours now and even though I'm bored out of my mind, I'm not tired. I probably won't even go to sleep for awhile. I have too much on my mind and it all involves us.
I've been feeling really depressed lately. I feel like my depression has just been eating me alive... slowly killing me. I stumbled upon an email from Discord earlier while I was trying to hunt down my LoL username so that I could log in. It was a Discord notification from back on May 7th. It was sent to me because you had sent me a message while I was AFK. In the Discord message you told me, "Good morning baby". It hurt to see that because I know how amazing of a time that was back then... and now it's gone. That hurts more than words can ever describe.
This past week things seem to be going downhill for us and I'm not even sure why. The first day that we started talking, you was going to ask me out. A few days ago you told me that we'd date again when the time comes. Yesterday, you told me that you don't ever see us dating again. I'm not sure what's happened over this past week. Maybe it'd just hurt me if I did know. Who knows?
Before you came into my life, I didn't really have many friends to talk to other than our mutual gaming friends and before that I basically had no friends at all. I was lonely to be honest. When we started talking everyday and I found out that we had a lot in common it made me happy. A couple weeks later when we started dating, I felt special because for the first time in a very long time I felt like someone truly cared about me. When you've spent most of your life alone because no one seems to care about you, and then all of a sudden you mean so much to someone and they actually care about you, you tend to cling onto that. It meant so much to me. We were inseparable for the first couple months of us dating. We spent almost all day, every day together. I was happy for the first time in a very long time. I cared deeply about you and loved you with every fiber of my being. I loved you from the bottom of my heart. I really can't even begin to describe how much I loved you and cared about you.
Once you started working though things started to change. We stopped spending as much time together, but we still cherished the time that we got to spend together. Of course, because I cared about you so much I got protective over you and when I was faced with a moment of uncertainty I got scared. I panicked. The fear of the unknown drowned me in those few moments. I made the worst mistake of my life. I assumed things without even beginning to understand what was going on. I got mad. To this day I regret that more than you'll ever know. For that... I'm so sorry.
Once you broke up with me, I tried so hard not to think about it, to not be upset, to not be depressed, but I could only run so far away from my feelings before they finally caught up with me. I couldn't get over the thought of us not being together anymore because when you're so deeply in love with someone and care so much about someone... it's hard to get over that. I stopped talking to you for a month because I knew in my heart that if I knew that you with someone else it would crush me. You wasn't just a part of my life, you WAS my life. Everything that I ever thought about over those three months was centered around us. Time seemed to stand still and nothing else seemed to matter. If I can be completely honest... I'm still not over you.
When I'd heard about the hurricane, I was so worried. I thought you might have died. I started to cry just thinking about it. I was so worried that the person who I loved with every fiber of my being and the person that I still cared so deeply about... was dead. I knew that it might upset me for me to try to reach out and talk to you again, but knowing that you was alive and well was the only thing that I cared about at the time. You mean so much to me that even now I'd take a bullet for you just so that you could go on living. That's how much you mean to me!
Over the past few days, I've really felt like you don't care about me hardly at all. If you do you haven't shown it very much these past couple days at least. Whether you don't care about me at all or you do care about me and you've just been bad at showing it these past few days, I've been really depressed the last couple days because of that. I still care deeply about you and I don't think my feelings about you will change anytime soon.
I've been writing this email for an hour now, but I felt like it was important to fully express how I've felt... to spill my heart for you. Maybe it'll mean something to you. Maybe you'll just reply with "cool" or "k". I really hope not, but who knows. If nothing else, I want you to at least understand how I feel. I still care more about you than you'll ever know. Even though I might not want to admit it, maybe I'm still in love with you. Even now, even though I feel lost and depressed, I still care more about you than you could ever imagine. I'd still die for you if I had to just so that you could live. That's the best way I can describe how much you mean to me.
I felt like it was so important to write you this letter because if one of us was to die sometime soon... this would be everything that I'd want you to know as far as my final thoughts on everything.
I still care about you and...
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I still love you."
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