Just cycled up 1500meters, because I didn’t have a better idea what to do with this day. Now I am unable to move any further. I sit in a little shed full of fire wood which doesn’t protect me from the wind, at least I have a roof over my head.
I stare out of the door, listen to the sound of the fountain, the bells of the cows. Should I sleep here?
Unable to move nor think and still I know I am doing the right thing. Even though I am not sure where this will lead me. Not yet. It feels like someone laid breadcrumbs on my path, showing me the way. I just don’t know yet who did it and why.
So much has happened in the past week and I barely have the time to digest it all. Often I lay down at night, exhausted and still unable to sleep because of all the thoughts, encounters and sights I pass in one day.
Where does that lead me?
At Kurt’s place, who kindly offered me a space in his garden to sleep and then the next day invited me for breakfast which turned into lunch and coffee. Some of his friends passed by of which one a shepherd. “You need a goal in life.” He said and when I answered to his questions I was happy at the moment to just cycle up and down mountains, he didn’t understand. Maybe he was right. Why am I so intimidated by that question? Why can I not just name the things I am working towards?
What will I find at the end of this road?
And then I catch myself getting impatient at life. I want to see how it turns out right now, even though I know it all takes time. I am getting better at it. Cycling up, it’s the same, when I push and try to get there faster, the only thing I get is exhausted. When I take it slow, at a steady pace I can keep going forever.
Maybe cycling up and down mountains isn’t the goal of my life. Nonetheless I know, crossing a mountain has never been the wrong idea. I know every mountain I cross teaches me something I’ll never forget, something I’ll value. It shuts up my ego and shows me what I am capable of. Every meter of elevation is a meter further in understanding my life.
This morning I got up and just going down the valley felt wrong. I lost my goal, since I had crossed the last peak on my way, do I even want to reach the end of this valley?
Now I am up somewhere again, the valley below, exhausted and everything around me is peaceful. Quiet and wild, the wind is cold. Soon I’ll have to decide wether I say here for the night or not.
My capacity for decision making has reached it’s limit.
Maybe I take this shed, even if it doesn’t protect me from the wind, it at least does so from the rain. Or I’ll change my mind. But I am tired.
I don’t know what to do, and I know I’ll do the right thing which ever. It is a weird feeling. Exhausted and calm. Lost and reassured. Alone and safe.
It’s the next day, so I am able now to tell you how yesterday ended.
A guy showed up at the picnic place, and even if he was probably nice and everything it made me feel uncomfortable staying there for the night. What if more people show up later?
I left, feeling stupid for my fears for an instant but told myself it was all going to work out fine in the end. Not easy when dawn is falling in the middle of the mountains and the wind smells of snow.
Eventually I went to ask a farmer if I could sleep in the barn with the cows. He says no. Not knowing where to go I just stay in there and we chat a bit. Eventually he offers me the garage, but then states that no one ever slept in there and goes on offering me the couch. “This is getting better and better.” I think, just as he starts talking about dinner and shower.
Turns out his Girlfriend didn’t think it was a good plan, fair enough. Almost dark outside I am getting uncomfortable. He tells me to go and see a friend in the next village, that he just called. Not very reassured I decide to trust the flow and go to said address.
The other farmer also says no one ever slept in that barn. So he drives me and my bike all the way up the mountain again offers me a little wooden cabin all to myself. Stove, water and a bed. Before he leaves he even makes a fire. And suddenly I sit there at the table, by myself in the cutes hut I could imagine on the top of the mountain.
I don’t know what I am doing. It feels like it must be the right thing.
Cheers for stopping by, have a great week!
All photos and words are owned by ©kesityu taken and written by myself.
Sometimes we don't really have a goal in mind. We like to challenge ourself, being out of our comfort zone and just trying to survive. Not knowing what the next day will bring.
I lived that life for so many times. At the moment, I arrived at my home country (after traveling together with a bike-packer last month). It's a strange feeling, trying to be part of the old system and a lot of things make me shiver again (it's not the cold weather). Just be patient, don't plan too much and see what life has to offer.
I like to read your cycling stories and trying to find a place to sleep at night. You seem truly adventurous :)
It's exactly that, just for the sake of the challenge... which feels right and is hard to explain, I find, unless the other person knows:)
And are you happy with that next decision?
Thank you:) very happy to hear that! (well I kind of feel adventurous until I am in the situation then I am just like: "why??" but then again I guess that answers exactly why I/we do this, no?)
Sounds like you have a goal. Just not maybe a traditional goal as our society understands and defines them? Which I think is alright ;) You're allowed. You're not someone easily defined or necessarily traditional.
Don't worry. As long as you feel you're moving and progressing, I think your life is alright. It's when you start getting stuck that you need to step back and reassess. So cycle on, but be careful out there <3
Sometimes I guess I like to get challenged in conversations when people don't understand. But then it can quickly turn into doubts or overthinking as well. And then it is just really inspiring to have people like yourself around. Reading your words, I am so glad that there are people out there thinking and living like you do. And that we can resonate on such a beautiful level. So thank you for that:)
The feeling is mutual, my dear <3
❤️
I'll just leave this here...
I had this song in my head!! - thinking "wtf? never thought I would actually relate to the lyrics like that"😂
Thank you for using ECENCY
Thanks:)
I would venture to say that your goal in life is to live as fully present in each moment as possible, and that you achieve that goal through activities like cycling across continents and through mountain passes, writing, figuring out where to sleep at night, trusting strangers, sewing clothes, and discovering your strengths.
Congratulations, too, on leaving a piece of your past behind.