It is incredible that even when I don't expect anything from people close to me, they end up disappointing me in the most abrupt, insolent and unnecessary way possible. I don't consider myself a perfect person, I accept and try to fix every single mistake I have made, but when you realize that you are not committing something wrong, that you are just being a faithful person towards a friendship, you start asking yourself: Do I deserve to go through this all my life? And that's when you think, no, you don't deserve to be the plaything of your "friends" you don't deserve to be judged and displaced at every moment, you deserve to move forward, you deserve to get ahead and you can't do it by staying in a vicious circle.
Today something happened to me that is still hard to assimilate, I still have a certain shock of everything. I had had a spectacular weekend with friends that I considered "loyal" or so they made me think, doubting a little if this weekend would be expensive sooner or later, and indeed, when you know a person so well it is impossible not to be right. To tell the truth I was stunned, disappointed, I was not expecting this situation, I felt sad because I had already commented on everything I was currently living at home and to receive that message, to hear how someone I love refers to me with so much repudiation, left me speechless. The main problem is not the money, but how friendship is not valued, how they make you feel inadequate and humiliated for a meal, how they make a complete circus out of something so minimal, it is disappointing.
Right now I am in a moment in my life where I want to avoid any kind of conflict, to get away from all possible toxicity for my wellbeing and mental health. You move away from it, you decide to take a big step to feel good about yourself and these blows come where you start to question if it is really worth it or not, if I should keep blaming myself for things that are not in my control. That's when you realize that it is better to avoid the controversy and put a closure to the situation, to assert yourself, so that such stupidity is not repeated again, because yes, I consider it something stupid. Everything that can be discussed, that can be agreed upon, does not deserve to be taken to another path, the path of hypocrisy, the path of injustice. That if there should be a trigger to realize it? Possibly, but the important thing is to accept it, to move forward.
I could only think: What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to feel so humiliated? It was unfair, I misunderstood things or everything was already planned, I thought it was a different trip, an outing that my company was to his liking. When these things happen it is inevitable not to question yourself, it is inevitable not to think if you did something wrong, but the truth is that it was not like that, the truth is that the mistake here is not me, the only mistake I made was to trust such insolent, mediocre and hypocritical people, to give my hand and full arm to people who did not deserve it at all.
I don't feel bad for what I have done, on the contrary, that speaks a lot about me because it shows that I am much more than any humiliation, that I can stand up no matter what happens, grab this adversity and take the positive side of everything. I don't want to pretend that I'm fine, I don't want to fill myself with lies saying "Nothing happens" when it does, when I don't deserve to keep allowing this kind of situations, enough Antonella, you deserve to get out of your life people that don't add anything positive to you, you must act now because if you keep postponing it, you will be failing yourself, you will keep allowing them to betray you, to play with you and well you know, that you can't keep hurting yourself.
Today I looked in the mirror and began to thank myself for all that I have advanced, the great evolution and change that I have had in these months has been wonderful, if no one else fills me with love why not me? I must remind myself every day that I am here to learn, that I am here to keep rising up showing who I am and who I want to be. I don't want to go back to the past, I don't want to remind myself of the bad moments that are no longer part of me, I want to embrace myself, I want to enjoy my process, go at my own pace, give myself my time, because I, I deserve to heal, I deserve to keep taking steps forward.
I will use this crisis to grow, embrace myself tightly without letting myself be defeated. Some paths are broken so that others can appear, I will be fine, they will love me as I deserve, they will make me feel enough, while I will give myself all the love that is possible, from the soul to the tip of my toes, with all my hidden fears and the dreams I have.
Good that you are making a decision to change, sometimes these episodes are necessary to evolve and move forward, I know you will do everything possible so that this does not happen again, I hope everything goes well.
Thank you very much for your comment. It's not only about changing, but also about moving forward, evolving, all for a better time. best regards!