I'm Losing A Part of Me || My First Intense Heartbreak

There is no greater emotional pain than what one experiences after losing a child. -Margaret McDonnell

I don't know how to start sharing this heartbreaking motherhood journey of mine. My mind and heart is not stable right now as I'm mourning because of losing one of my dearest child but I need to let go of this heavy feeling I have in my heart or else I will break down anytime which I really tried my best not to because I still have three children who need me at the moment.

Few days ago, I lost one of the twins. Remembering the last moment when the doctor and nurse had tried reviving him was so painful. It breaks me into million pieces and I don't know if I can still recover from this great loss but hope I can because my other kids still need my care and love. Judgement and gossips that I hear from the people who were in that hospital fueled more to the heartache that I'm feeling. Yes, they can judge me as long as they want because they weren't in my shoes but God knows I tried my best to take care of my kids even if there's nothing left in me.

Only a mother who loses a child can know the depths of grief.
©Anonymous

Two sleepless night, and a day without eating were bearable but losing a child who I value most in life is really heartbreaking. This is a kind of heartbreak where I lost a piece of my soul.

It was last November 10 (midnight) when my son started feeling uneasy and got LBM. When morning came, we decided to bring him to the hospital to be admitted because he felt weak. When we reached at the hospital, we were assisted immediately and brought to the transition area where patients aren't admitted were place. The doctor and nurses begun doing various test in his blood and urine.

The result came at around 6:00 PM but the doctor had to do another blood test after the result was out. That's also the time that they told me that my son would be admitted and so I processed the papers for admission. It was around 9:00 PM when one of the nurse handed me a paper which is about the blood transfusion since their initial finding was anemia. So we hurriedly went to the blood bank to get a pack of blood but the nurse told us that we needed donor for it since the blood that is needed for transfusion is fresh. I asked my husband to look for someone who had blood type O+ in our neighbor but no one decided to donate as they were afraid to be taken. I didn't stop finding. Every hour I became desperate on where to get a blood donor for my son. I asked someone in the hospital who knew people who can donate. She assisted me and we approached the security guard who knew some people who are willing to donate but those people whom he knew weren't there at the hospital. Minute by minute, I'm became more desperate. I prayed so hard to God that I will be able to find a blood donor. After couple of minutes, someone who I just know in the room said he's willing to help me and there's no need for me to pay for the blood that will be donated. I was very happy and thankful that I found one. I thought everything will be okay since there's a blood already but the doctor dropped another bomb on me which made my whole body weak. She told me that even if there's already blood, the chance for my son to survive is very little because his kidney failed to function. I asked her why and she told me that there's something present in his kidney that were for adults but is present in my child's kidney. I cried and felt hopeless but I didn't let my children know it when I'm with them.

At the dawn of November 11, my child failed to respond whenever I talked to him. I was very nervous and prayed so hard that my son could get through it. After few hours, his hand and feet began to move again. I felt relieve and thank God for hearing my prayer. He opened his eyes and started talking again. When we transfer him upstairs, he was trying to remove the tube that was on his mouth but I and the nurse tried to stop him. He also told me to remove the dialysis that they perform in him but I told him not to because the doctor had a purpose why they perform it on him. He didn't resist anymore after I told him that so I changed his diaper because he pooped on it.

Few hours passed, the doctor checked him again. After checking his blood pressure the doctor approached me and asked my permission that if his heart would stop beating, they would perform CPR on him and I nodded. A minute after she told me that, she said that my son stopped breathing. The doctor and nurse tried reviving him for a couple of minutes but he didn't respond anymore so I decided to let them stopped because I know my son had already gave up. I cried and felt that my world crashes the moment I saw him not breathing. I don't know what to do. I felt loss and when my sister and brother called me, I didn't answer them because I felt like not talking to anybody. My husband arrived later together with our neighbors. I cried on his shoulder. Though he was wearing sunglasses at that time, I knew that he was very sad and down to what happen to our son but he didn't show his emotion because he knew I needed him the most.

In the afternoon, the body of my son was buried immediately with the help of our neighbors. They had help us preparing the grave and one of them shouldered all the finances during the burial. During the first night, we were all having difficulty in getting some sleep. We all felt empty but we need to appear stronger because my eldest son and my daughter (the twin of my son who passed away) felt very sad. I let them cry to help lessen the sadness they felt. I let them voice out what they felt because it's more painful if they can't express what they truly felt.

Right now, I'm always checking my children especially my daughter since this is the first time that she hadn't seen and felt the presence of his twin. It may take long time for all of us to recover but we're paying that we could get through this with the help of God.

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To our little angel,

Though it pains me knowing that you aren't in our side anymore, I have to trust that God had a reason for taking you. I don't know when I will be able to recover from losing you but I'm praying that God will strengthen me so that I can still fulfill my duties to your other siblings. Know that wherever you are now, Mama loves you and will always love you. You will be forever in our hearts. For now, I will hold on to our memories so that I won't be lost. I hope someday we will see each other again in paradise together with our Creator.

Loving you always,

Mama

To @jeansapphire thank you so much sis for hearing me out. Having you in this breaking times of my life and listening to my story is a big thing as I really need someone who can understand and will be there to uplift me. Earlier, you made me smile and I thank you for that. Thank you for being there for me.