28th January 2024
"Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness."
-Thitch Nhat Hanh
Life is beautiful, that is undeniable, but sometimes tough and unfair for many. We are often put in a situation where we have to consider the future, other factors, and people around us before making decisions. I'm merely one of those whose freedom is limited, and decisions are made by taking other people into account. Oftentimes, I want to be free from this, but reality always pulls me back, and reminds me that I live not just for myself, but for others.
In five years, I'll be forty years old. It's the stage where I should settle on my own, live in my own house, or perhaps build my own family. I'll be at the age where my life ought to be more carefree and worry-free, given that I am independent and single. My only concern will be with myself, and how to make the most of my remaining years before getting too old.
People probably assume that I am more privileged, and that my life isn't too difficult because I keep traveling around Hong Kong. Perhaps, they are right to say I am fortunate because I feel grateful for what I have now, and for the new experiences I acquired. However, traveling around Hong Kong is comparable to traveling around Metro Manila in the Philippines, where I don't have to spend a lot of money on transportation.
Little did people know that behind those smiles and adventures are piles of worries building in my mind every time I think about the future. My contract will expire in a few months, specifically in June, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to find a new work right away. I am in a place where termination is vague, even on the very first day, thus, losing a job might happen quickly and unexpectedly. That's one of the reasons why I keep myself in one place where I am safe from sudden termination. Given my experiences, I can probably get a new job, but it will take a little while, which is not ideal for me. I can't be jobless for a long period.
Having three scholars, turning five after two to three years, isn't a joke. It requires me to spend more effort, endure more pain, and even shed more tears to provide for them and my family. If I had to decide for myself, I could merely work from home in front of my desktop or take a break after my contract (since I feel like I need it). However, given our numbers in the family, the high inflation rate in my country, tuition fees, and other necessities, there is no room for me to be unemployed, or work at home as income might not be sufficient to make ends meet. I feel like I'm carrying the whole world, but I'm just enduring the pain.
There are moments when I feel envious of my other siblings because they seem to be content to live their lives as they want them to be, without worrying about accepting any responsibilities. Sometimes, I wish I could be as stubborn and heartless as them, so I can be free from burdens. However, it is easier said than done, especially when I find myself in unexpected situations where my decisions and happiness are once again in jeopardy. My father was supposed to be the person to ask for support from, but his passing just made things worse on my part, which affected my finances and even my crypto savings. It seems to be a never-ending worries.
So just imagine if I don't make myself enjoy on weekends, my mind will be swamped with worries that would trigger my anxiety. My life itself is stressful enough, I deserve some break even just for a while. I'm just fortunate to be in this place where I can travel around easily.
What's one thing you'll let go of for this year? And why?
If there is one thing I have to let go of, then that would be my worries. I keep reminding myself to stop worrying about everything and just let life be. I hope it is easier to do, but it requires patience throughout the process, as well as time and practice. I should just let life be and focus on the present moment, because that's already my life, anyway. Instead of dwelling on things I cannot change, I would want to stop worrying, and concentrate on finding ways to live a happier life while accepting responsibility. I want to do more adventures in life while I can, I don't want to put them aside.
Few more years to endure. Just keep fighting, self!
Thanks for your time.
Jane is a Filipina wanderer in a foreign land who finds comfort in nature and freedom in writing. She loves watching raw picturesque landscapes, listening to the symphony of nature, breathing in drops of sunshine, walking through scenic trails and cityscapes, tasting new culinary flavors, capturing pretty little things, venturing into hidden gems, and dancing with the flow of life.
Her new experiences, adventures, challenges, lessons, small successes, and joys are colorful paints that fill up her canvas of life. She hopes to see it beautifully painted while she can. Join her on her quest for self-discovery and wanderlust. If you like her content, don't hesitate to upvote, drop a comment, reblog, and follow for more wonderful adventures.
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I much feel your worries. Being a provider as you are for a rather large family can't be easy. It's too bad it couldn't be like a game of tag where someone else is it, and takes over. I totally get doing other things (keeping busy) to keep the mind distracted of worries. It does wonders but at the same time we have dig deep at times to remain sane. Remain a fighter!!
I try to keep my mind distracted as well for my own worries. I wish I could tell you they go away as we age or when our status changes. The truth is they just manifest into new ones. Lately I have been somewhat trapped at home so I have been writing quite a bit more. Writing helps but I think it needs to have balance with getting out. For me I need some nature time mixed in. I need to get out away from the house more because I feel the walls crashing in.
Anyways I hope your stresses and worries are lessoned some in the coming days 🙏 Take care friend 💚 Huge hugs for you 🤗
That's the main reason why I like going out and traveling to the countryside. There are pretty sights to see that can distract my worried mind..if I stay in the four corners of my room, things just come to my mind..both negative and positive. They are rather destructing..
Writing helps me a lot to express my feelings and thoughts, just like this one.. It somehow unloads some worries..
!PIZZA
Worry does sound negative, yes? And it does happen and will happen most of the time, but if you take a closer look, you worry that means you care a lot, of yourself, your siblings and others and it's never a bad thing. That can only mean you have a huge heart and I commend individuals with such quality. It's truly admirable. Just remember to keep some for yourself. 😉
Breathe in, breathe out, and always carry all the luck with you, you got this! 💯✨
You made me smile reading your positive comment. I'll take note of this, for sure. Thank you ☺️
!PIZZA
Tight hug madam! I can feel all your pains and worries by reading! 🥹.
I hope time will come everything will be fine and you can start enjoying life as you wanted
I thought I was immune to it already.. But the time still comes that I worry a lot.. We can't really keep being positive the whole time...
!LADY
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I think it's normal, we are humans afterall
Medyo matagal pa madam before u reach that age, for sure marami pang mangyayaring maganda Hehe
Hoping.. Not all days are stormy days, anyway.. ☺️
!PIZZA
True! Padayon!
Na feel ko yong bigat mo madam. Inako mo na lahat responsibilidad ah. I am not sure how will you do it but it's time to break free. You need to set boundaries to take care of your mental health. I know it's easier said than done pero this time talaga, IKAW MUNA, SELF. Ang sabi nga nila, you're not getting younger. So dapat mag plano ka na how your 40's will be like.
Mahirap magplan if there are things getting in the way.. so bahala na si batman eh ka nga ... Hopefully, may good things na mangyari in the process... Just enjoy na lang cguro life while bata pa haha
!LADY
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Di talaga maiwasan na mag overthink ano madam, especially future naman na ang pinag uusapan. You have choices on what to do but all them has advantages and disadvantages and that can make us worry. Parang talagang paedad na tayo mas lalong humihirap ang lahat, aigooo
At least, not in your part, you have supportive mothers..if I were, I'll enjoy my life with them while they can still travel.. i'll put my money on that.
Responsibility is like a shackles and as an elder child of family the responsibility of your is more than others. You can be free from the shackles if you can be heartless and selfish. I don't think it's possible for you. Moreover the responsibility (financial) of your father already comes to you and getting worried is quite expected. I can feel the pressure on you and sometimes feeling burden is natural also but thinking too much is not the solution and so you should try to let the worries go.
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!PIZZA
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I know, it's easy to say, but hard to keep up.. Life must go on anyway no matter what circumstances bring you. Thanks
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It was touching to read your story. Taking over responsibility is not such an easy job, without the assistance of your siblings. Prayer for better things to happens in 2024. May be after June, you will have a better job online or offline. Good luck.
life isn't unfair its just waiting for us to turn the wheel up so that we step up from the struggles and challenges that we experience 🤗 greetings and have a good day ahead, sending hugs
I understand the feeling. Sometimes i feel like traveling the world, to be away from lot of things that burdens me.