I was always benefited from writing, it's not just about how others read it and share their opinion of it. It was always beneficial for me as a person, I was kind of having a real understanding of myself. The ideas I wanted to share with the world was always the ideas that also I want to process through my head and have an impact on myself also.
All these thoughts I jot down are the exploration myself, a keen look into each of my activities. I never spend much time thinking about the things I have done and I have to do. Most of my decisions are taken spontaneously. Some of them were right and some of them turned out to be very wrong.
I never tried to learn much from my mistakes, most times I try to forget my mistakes, cause they make me feel bad about myself. So this way I always end up being making the same mistakes repeatedly. So writing is the only way I could process all these mistakes. It will help me to go deeper and understand the underlying facts that I have ignored.
It's kind of like writing a diary which could be open to anyone who wants to read it. There are also some bad effects, as I know someone will read it, sometimes I stop in the middle of digging deeper. Nobody wants to be seen as a bad person. Maybe it's just about myself, I don't want others to see me as a bad person.
It's not a good quality to have, but I still can't get after it. Now all I can do is write at a time when I can go deep into all these thoughts. Most other times I stay away from writing. Writing is also kind of like activities like meditating, kind of refines the thoughts. Unclear things will become clear after each line.
I write a lot better when I'm sad, at those moments what I care more about is the way to overcome that sadness, so I'm even ready to write out every truth to make my mind free and clear. And that's the better way to deal with the problem. I don't know any other way that will help me to deal with all these.
Writing is like taking some time calmly to clear the doubts I have in my mind. There were always gaps in my writing routine, there are times I feel like I will never write anything anymore. But eventually, I end being writing something new again.