Photos by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, January 16 and 29
I recently pressed my way to Alvord Lake, winter-bleakly beautiful and with its fountain back on for winter interest. Its shores have so much meaning walked into them for me, and at times my heart calls for it like it does for Buena Vista Hill.
This was a good time to think of Bach, too ... sometimes I need his music at its deepest to reflect about deep winter things... the Passacaglia and Fugue in C minor, with its long journey into radiant C major light, fits the bill:
Speaking of deep things, the mind of German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer was so deep that it takes two sides of Schubert to cope with one thing that he said -- and this is assuming that he was translated into English accurately. He once said that God's people should prepare to walk as though God were no longer in the world.
Yikes.
On its face, that is a heresy, because every well-educated Christian knows God is omnipresent -- everywhere -- and since He also indwells the believer, what Herr Bonhoeffer proposes is impossible on two grounds. He is considered too well-learned not to know better, so there comes the charge of heresy on grounds of direct denial of the nature of God.
On the other hand, after about a half-year of consideration, and a lot of Schubert, it dawned on me what he might have been saying in his own cultural context. European dramas in the Middle Ages often relied on what is called a deus ex machina -- that is, problems are resolved as God or some representative directly intervenes. This hangs over at least as far as Mozart, with Commendatore and Sarastro standing in their respective operas, and through the 19th century, secular versions of this pop up as rescuing agents arrive at the last possible minute.
This suggests, of course, a broad cultural belief that problems will be worked out when God is ready, and that it is above everyday people them to solve them for themselves ... all the while ignoring what a well-studied Christian also knows from merely reading the Bible: 99 times out of 100, God's everyday people do whatever is meant to be done, taking up the responsibility of being used by Him as opposed to Him doing a miracle. Miracles are exciting. Miracles are performative. Miracles are rare. Most of the time, if God is being represented in the world, it is through the daily obedience of His people.
Which brings us back to Schubert's less happy "Sehnsucht": if there is a boat -- even presuming a miracle in that way -- one has to find it and get in it. "Der Schiffer" says it must be rowed toward a better world.
There will be no deus ex machina -- "Sehnsucht" actually states that, and "Selige Welt" follows up: there is no point in looking for just one blessed isle in a blessed world -- wherever one lands, one trusts and makes it work. If there is a hill, it must be climbed: "Aus Heliopolis II" confirms this, and Brahms with "Mit Vierzig Jahren" comes along and confirms this.
The thought that comes out of all of this: "Faith without works is dead." A faith that is willing to move forward in hope and act is alive -- even if, because there are things that can be asked for that are far beyond our reach, even if the act is to keep praying consistently while doing all other good that is in reach until an answer or the route to it is revealed.
So then if faith operates this way, might not also love?
As Valentine's Day approaches, it has settled in my mind why it and all the holidays have never made sense to me -- all of the above, condensed to this one thing: Love, if confined to one day of performance, does not exist where it is performed. By definition, that which is infinite cannot be confined. It must be experienced as what it is: constantly present if present at all.
"Ah, Frau Mathews ... such deep waters we start in, already?"
"You see why the portal of imagination keeps opening for you, dear bass profound in the spirit, who sang to me of oceans and their depths in Schubert, and of the infinite height and depth of love from 'Versunken' to 'Der Tod, das ist die kuehle Nacht' in Brahms? I understand Bonhoeffer because of you."
The Ghost of Musical Greatness Past materialized with a demure smile, succeeding on this day on looking older and therefore wiser.
"I will accept the compliment with this proviso," he purred playfully. "I am not as much taller than you as I need to be for such depths as you have taken me and Herr Bonhoeffer to, so I had to actually get to 55-60 in appearance today."
"Well, that's good, because you also need to consider how you complain about me trying to roll you into every body of water we've walked by. Just consider yourself pre-rolled today!"
Indeed, we were too close to Alvord Lake for comfort as he rolled laughing!
But, I had the "Waltz of the Flowers" ready, and for once, snatched him up and turned the tables on him, for off we were going around that lake! He was so surprised -- first of all, having volume but no actual bulk comparable to his mortal size, so having to mentally grasp that yes, I could sweep him off as easily as he did me, but second of all, that slow-moving, quietude-loving me had actually done it. For weeks, he had quieted his exuberance to give me the peace I needed, and now found himself being met in his exuberance by me ... being loved back, at his speed ... and thus was even more stunned ... and then, as in a moment in October, he utterly melted ... and some flowers bloomed out to see it!
"Ach, meine liebe Dame ... ich gebe auf ... ich gebe auf zu dir ... ach, meine geliebtes, goldenes Blumenkind, ich übergebe mich dir, deiner Liebe ... ."
He completely surrendered, and compensated effortlessly for the fact that I was by no means the better dancer of us two ... love truly does hide a multitude of faults as a heart gets swept away in it, and he was gone, so much so that when Tchaikovsky was finished, we were back in Brahms 'Versunken,' still gently spinning in a bubble on angular momentum through the great deep. Alvord Lake simply could not hold the Pacific, the tide having gotten up too high.
There was nothing to do for the moment but enjoy the moment ... though technically he had no heartbeat for my ears to listen to while just spinning along in his embrace, he also compensated for that in his softest, deepest tones ...
"Danke schoen, Frau Mathews ... danke schoen ... danke schoen ... ."
I imagine he just as much enjoyed "Bitte schoen ... bitte schoen ..." in my softest, deepest tones as we slowly floated to and were let down gently at the other shore.
We sat there for some time, and at length he laughed gently.
"I am putting my lesson plan back together, with difficulty," he said, and half-opened a pair of eyes still blazing with ardent joy. "You make very bold to start our day here! To meet you thus is a surprise that has me intensely excited because it means that you have caught up internally with the events of the end of December!"
"Finally in a celebratory mood, although because of the depth of my thoughts, even that is somewhat muted," I said. "But you waited so patiently for me ... I wanted you to know that I am deeply grateful."
"Frau Mathews, you have mightily drawn my heart down into those depths ... it is almost all I can do to not be swept away again by the current ... and take you with me ...
For just a moment, the volume of the fountain proclaimed the Pacific was still right there under it ...
... but ...
"But the depth of your thoughts requires serious attention as well.
"I can say this about Dietrich Bonhoeffer: he lived and died boldly under duress we hope you will never experience, but in any event, you do well to remain out of step, at literally all costs, with any culture that despises what his culture and mine of that time despised. For your thought of love and Herr Bonhoeffer's thought about how to live meet right here: people find every way to neglect doing what they need to do, while doing what they want. One would not need so many miracles if one would -- how does it go -- 'study to be quiet, do your own business, and work with your own hands.'"
"That's it, among the least preached passages of Scripture in the Bible."
"And among your favorites, that you have duly obeyed. Few have. What they want is to do things so that they can be worshiped, feared, bowed down to, brought offerings even up to human life -- so they take everything, even the most high and holy things, and make it chattel to that one lust."
"That's almost ... that's basically satanic," I said.
"So when I say to you that there is no crime beyond the capacity of individuals and collectives that would make circus chattel of even faith and love, you already have the frame to understand that I mean precisely what I have said: there is no crime beyond the capacity of such wicked people.
"And do not be deceived, Frau Mathews. You are very kind to have thought of it in terms of how everyday people do not think that they can solve the problems so they leave it up to God instead of being used by God to solve the problems. You are so often in a mindframe that will work perfectly for you up home but has you constantly not seeing the whole picture down here!"
"I'm not sure I understand."
"Tell me about the everyday people you no longer know, Frau Mathews -- were they just passively waiting on the Lord, or vicariously participating in no end of drama when not actively causing trouble for themselves and everyone else, only kept from doing great evil by lack of great opportunity?"
"Oh," I said.
"Oh," he said, note-perfect two octaves down, "and yes, there is an echo out here and there needs to be, because you forget so quickly how people really are!"
But then he smiled, and that trace of sternness went out of his voice.
"But I adore you for who you are, mein goldenes Blumenkind, now 44 and still refusing to be jaded, bitter, cynical ... still with a tender, loving heart of gold ... may you never fully understand, but walk closely with the One Who calls you to just where a heart like yours will be at home, under His protection, all the way!"
"That sounds like a benediction," I said with a smile.
"It is, for the grim part of our lesson," he said. "There is a lighter side to it."
"Would there be any harm to me showing up on Valentine's Day with some chocolate and a song for you?"
"No," I said. "I would welcome you."
"Why?"
"You left a legacy of love that is still blessing every day by the millions. Your biography, your interviews -- at least in English, the love you showed is hiding any and all faults as it is still being reciprocated by those who loved you back! You lived it. It would not be just another performance."
"So, we see it is not so much the day, or any day ... it is how you live, and who you live among."
He opened his colossal hand, and spread his fingers.
"I recount last year's lessons, and make the negative of the previous two into a positive this year. Walk in the light -- number 1. To that, at halcyon in January last year, I added 'abide.' In the spring, you learned from Father Bach: 'adorn,' and in the fall and winter I added that you must then 'appear' -- and you began to see from all corners of your life -- even in urgent care -- what happens when you so appear. I have said to you that quietude is exceptionally beautiful on you, Frau Mathews ... I was preparing you for what I knew would happen.
"But fifth ... we have also discussed the difference between solitude, which is a large part of your day, and quietude, which is in essence a life lived in peace -- leading a quiet and peaceful life, as the Scripture puts it as the back half of a command."
"A command few know and fewer obey, because a quiet, peaceful life is not most people's goal!"
"Which brings us to Number Five, Frau Mathews, in which the problems of 2022 and 2023 are addressed: how to associate, going forward into 2025."
"A timely lesson," I said. "The whole of that verse says, 'Pray for those in authority, that you may lead a quiet and peaceful life.'"
"And that is the other side of the command we mentioned before," he said. "Because of this, in spite of the circumstances around you, the assignment is never going to change. Walk, abide, adorn, appear, associate -- and then appropriate, because I do believe some promises made to you in the last two Decembers are coming to fruition."
In December 2023 it was sung over me: "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest!" That's a quote from Matthew 11:28 ... I literally heard a choir such that in this world I will never be a great enough composer to write for, singing that over me.
December 2024: Having gone from the majority of people into the company of Him Who called me, I received more and more rest down to the last day, when people He has also called came around me to lift many burdens in various ways, some of which took through January to work out, but ...
"February does mark a new beginning for me," I said, "as promises that go with my calling have been fulfilled from on high! I am being equipped to bless even more and rest from even more concerns of previous years ... and have time and energy to seek to associate in accord with what I know I am and need now."
"It could be no other way," he said. "I knew that, all the way back in 2021, because He Who has called you is faithful. I also knew there was therefore a day that your mourning would turn to dancing ... oh, long have I waited ... and now it has come! I have seen it with my own eyes -- and was surprised with an invite to the dance!"
"Oh, dear and faithful echo, greatly beloved," I said, "but of course!"
I thought of putting Tchaikovsky back on and sweeping him off again, but then I thought of something he would enjoy even more...
"I was not quite ready for you singing in your fiery celebration mood -- I couldn't appreciate it properly in the autumn, but I think I can now, if you would!"
"If?"
His laughter alone, at such a moment, was pure music.
"There is a bench there, about 10 meters off -- round it up to 35 feet by your country's measurements. You will find a pair of seat belts when you get there. You will need them! I was already thinking about 'Aus Heliopolis II,' to sing of climbing to the city of the sun, for I knew you must have been close to the top of this particular climb -- but to so find you having made it -- and with you having roused me this day into such a height of joy -- !"
Oh, he brought it ... singing of that long climb, through storms incomprehensible in power to anyone not experiencing them upon the climb ... to at last, at last reach the top, and there find the worthy and the great but also the humble, because they have given up all that is of the world and its acclaims to reach that height as well ... but there, to have all the best of the world there to embrace and enjoy, in full-hearted, passionate accord with one's fellow devotees. He sang as one who had just come from such an accord ... because he had!
Obviously, his crowd, old and new, came running -- later reports confirmed that he had been heard at least a half-mile away -- and no one missed out. He went right on singing -- Berg's "Sommertage" was next ... summer in the middle of winter, with all its overwhelming beauties given by the Blessed Hand out of Blue Eternity to the point that the heart could only surrender... and everybody would indeed surrender to his stunning high F sharp at the height of the song ...
(We shall invite the great Jessye Norman to fill in here with her glorious high A!)
Back to Schubert -- the minute of "Selige Welt," since we were all up there on that high F sharp ... living in a blessed world, and we would be blessed wherever we landed next ...
... and then, from the heights to the depths ... his stunning "Meeresleucthen," featuring a double visit to his magnificent low E, but the journey ... the sun sinks with all its light into the sea, and you would think light would have found its grave in the benighted ocean ... but for those who have pressed their way to the holiest and quietest of nights, they will see that light returns upon the water, again to shine in the curl of every gentle wave...
The Knockout Zone was a full house by the time he went on and started living his best basso crooner life ... folks had to come to themselves to clap after all that!
Now of course, he had that one loud but caring fan ...
"Altesrouge -- you shoulda put the hat out -- you would not have had to come back out here for a week!"
But the singer shook his head with a gentle laugh, tried to speak, stopped -- tried again, could not get out a word in English, laughed, took a few moments more, and then at last said: "I did not plan to give this recital today, so I did not plan to have the hat! You have come upon me at a moment in which my heart is overwhelmed with joy and I cannot keep from singing! My eyes have seen one whom I love deeply walk by faith through so much grief and loss and anguish, so much temptation to despair, to this day when faith has been justified and hope fulfilled in a new beginning -- at last!"
The look upon his face at that moment, as he went all the way back to Brahms's Four Serious Songs ... all the way through the darkness of grief in three deepening aspects, into the light of that fourth and final song, where faith is justified, hope fulfilled, and love -- the greatest of all -- is triumphant!
By the time he sang Die Liebe ist die Grössest unter ihnen -- "Love is the greatest of all" in his gentle close, I was weeping heavily, and I was not alone, because so many people have been and were on such long climbs ... some looking back, and some seeing a strong vision of where they would be as they just kept going! In this crowd, it did not matter where anyone came from or was going, who they were, what they had, even language, because Brahms's choice of keys and tempi denoted a climb from deep darkness to shining, loving light! To hear this so sung was to be given that vision!
As ever in his mortal days, so in the immortal: the interpreter had been known to "leave it all on the stage," and even in his present state of existence he had dared to sing right up against a remaining human limit. He now knew more of being, in Brahms's terms, where love and life had but one Name. All that was lawful for him to utter about such things, this he had done, for it seemed that he always had done that to the limit of his understanding.
But now, even immortal ... though he could not physically tire, only full afternoon sunshine was disguising the fact that the light he sang of had overfilled him, and he was very close to slipping gravity, for he had sung so much of home that Earth could barely hold him. Not that he was suffering ... far from it ... but if you knew someone was about to leave the Earth and you didn't get the detail that the Earth was no longer his home ...
"Altesrouge! Don't you die on us after all that -- just because you almost sung us into Heaven doesn't mean you get to just go in front of us!"
Our favorite loud but caring fan sprang into action, going and wrapping his arm around the much taller and broader singer, who turned that smile on him.
"I am quite all right, my friend."
"Yeah, that's what my grandfather said, and he was -- and then went to see Jesus in the next minute, so he was -- but not you, today!"
"Not on your watch, anyhow."
"Yeah!"
Said loud but deeply caring fan would ever after be talking about the strength you get when you are in an emergency situation ... he pretty much carried the beloved man who reminded him so much of his father and German grandfather to a seat to sit him down, dropped some water bottles with him, and then went to get his car. He was permitted to do this because the story was known ... the fan was still grieving grandfather, still grieving father, and, like me, healing in the presence of the spirit of a man who represented that love to him. Thus far the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past, in his life of his own, was thus having characters who formed around him with similar stories to those in his mortal past ... people in need always found him, and he always received them with love and helped them.
Off they went into the pre-sunset, and I went out of the crowd for my walk home ... slowly, calculating how long it would take that caring fan to get his dear friend safely behind his door, and therefore ...
"Good reckoning," the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past purred to me as he overtook me before I had reached my home, still in the park.
He was still softly radiant, and I had the feeling he was not that much calmed down ...
"I see why they are saying you are burning down this park!" I said, and found out that I was right -- his face and eyes and smile were instantly ablaze again, though the fire became softer with affection as he looked at me.
"Although I have never needed a muse, the joy of music being so strongly a part of me from childhood, it has never hurt me, on occasion, to be granted one, meine Muse."
That took my breath away.
"I have been teasing you about a day of celebration for months, Frau Mathews, but not pushing it, because I knew you were not ready, and that I would know when you were. I knew it would be when you could feel both rested, and begin also to see why now in terms of not just you, but in being a blessing to someone else."
I was instantly in tears.
"Just yesterday, there was a great piece of news that opened a door of opportunity to a young lady I mentor, a young lady who in spite of her circumstances has been stepping out on faith and climbing and building to a point that she already has been blessing me ... but now with the timing of what has been done for me, we now can pool our resources and she won't have to climb this next part alone, and ... ."
"I know, Frau Mathews," he said. "This is where you feel it -- all of it. I understand why you were in a waltzing mood today."
"But also, Frau Mathews, this is the way of walking, abiding, adorning, appearing, associating, and appropriating in love. All the way around, there are embraces to be shared, blessings to be enjoyed and furthered ... circumstances will continue to change, but you are now beginning to live -- let us say, Frau Mathews, that you are practicing the life you shall live in eternity, and every day that you choose to do so, the potential to enjoy and celebrate in deep gratitude shall be just as real."
I considered this for some time, and then he added, "I said the potential so that you could consider it deeply without an initial sense of obligation, and now I add that it is a choice. A choice to rejoice, shall we say?"
"O thou good and faithful echo," I said, "that one word rejoice reminds me that in Philippians, it is also a commandment, and the choice is to obey or not. 'Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, rejoice!' Elsewhere it is written: "Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing.'"
"Elsewhere it is written," he said, "'His commandments are not grievous,' that is, they are not meant to bring grief. So, I echoed it gently. There was no call to be severe, since already you are walking in obedience. Now, you may think clearly of it, and look for what you must find: ample opportunity to be ever-rejoicing. I was not always in circumstances that I wanted, in my mortal life, but what you see and respond to does depend on what you are looking at. I saw quite a lot for which I gratefully rejoiced."
"Apparently!" I said.
"Temperamentally, we are quite different," he said, "but consider this, Frau Mathews: you are mastering peace, and love has ever been your light to walk by. Joy, too, over many decades, is a powerful legacy to leave in a joyless world. I have a solid voice, and at least Frau Moll thought I was handsome, but that is not why you know me."
"Your joy," I said. "You are right. You walked off with my whole heart in Haydn, in 'Rollend in schaumenden Wellen,' because of your utter joy ... the most beautiful voice, the most imposing figure ... and the cutest head-rolling with the notes, and the shining eyes and radiant face, and those smiles ... all those smiles to the close, in utter ecstasy, when I knew you had seen what you were singing about, and of course could not be anything other than happy -- and neither could anyone else in your presence!"
"An echo of the Beatific Vision, that you first read about as a wee teenager in C.S. Lewis's Screwtape Letters -- your mind, Frau Mathews, your mind!" he said, and laughed ... but again, as people passed by, and seeing and hearing him laughing, they also smiled, and I marveled at this lesson I had gotten before, but now understood.
"Understand this, Frau Mathews, who to 2021 would not have stopped a moment to listen to Haydn or Brahms, and did not know of Bruckner: joy is a powerful legacy. Because of it, you gave your heart to me as a performer, and discovered music and ideas that otherwise you would not have known. You gave your heart to your grandmother and her Negro Spirituals, too ... do you remember her smile?"
"Yes .. yes ... she took such great joy in them ... often when she was by herself, her contralto would still come up through the floor mightily!"
"And why is your children's choir full, only hampered for a year or so by Covid?"
"Oh, I know I have to move them by joy," I said. "It is the one thing life does not offer them in many other places!"
"I'm just the echo, Frau Mathews, because you just need to be reminded that all good things you strive to bring to everyone else are also for you."
"Thank you for the reminders," I said. "I do greatly appreciate them."
"I know you do," he said. "You have made me know it ... you swept me away in your joy and your gratitude today ... I thank you! But you also know I simply will not be outdone, now that the celebration gates are open."
"Yes, I know," I said, chuckling. "You have waited a long time, and you are the kind of man that, if made to wait, just sits there and collects even more ideas."
"Oh, San Francisco, in the tourist off-season, is a wonderful place to collect ideas! But I observe: here you are back at Alvord Lake, because it is meaningful to you, and you desired nothing new or greater. We might go see if the Lily Pond has recovered from its summer woes, and Blue Heron Lake is stunning in silver. Now it has been a colder winter than we expected, and we must take care because you have been ill recently ... but we will be given the days we need."
"Of course," I said. "The Blessed Hand keeps on blessing, so we are blessed and blessed -- *wir sind gesegnet, und wir sind selig!"
"Oh yes ... wir sind gesegnet, und wir sind selig..."
In the next moment he lit up as he laughed up and down a few octaves.
"I cannot get over it -- after weeks of my planning our celebrations, you turned the tables on me and I love it! To be human and to be surprised by such joy ... to be a deeply loving man and to be surprised by a deeply loving woman who stepped out of her comfort zone to do that ... and that it should be at Alvord Lake, winter-bleakly beautiful but the last place anyone would have guessed ... ."
"Well, I'm not the more agile of us two in terms of being light on my feet, so I figured I had better make use of the fact that there are wide paths and not too far around!"
He laughed, but his face and voice mingled gravity and tenderness in equal measure.
"Hear me well, Frau Mathews. I assure you, as someone whom you have seen bursting into a sweat after a performance, and self-critiquing my own progress in interviews: the gap between what we see should be done and what we can actually do can at times be very wide. It cannot be closed completely, because the finite will never reach to the infinite, but in the effort to do the very best we can, we are always getting better. So, the gap is not to be thought of as an obstacle to despair of, but a glorious opportunity to become better and better in what we do.
"So then, outside improvising at the piano, spontaneous expression is not your forte, Frau Mathews, and all you can think of is how you are not as good at it as you need to be. I simply add, not yet. But you will get there, as you practice ... and the same is true in the matter of love, daily lived and learned. Of course, if we may borrow from British English, mind the gap! Being clear and honest about where you have improved and still need to improve is essential to your growth. But equally essential to your growth is not allowing what you cannot do to stop you from doing what you can.
"Finally, Frau Mathews, given how gifted and skilled you already are, and how you have minded that gap in 44 years, I assure you that love does not hide a multitude of faults in terms of people counting them up and deciding to overlook them. I assure you that like your choir and your church and your students, I would have to wrack my brain to remember your missteps, and to do that I would have to disturb the memory of being utterly swept away by your love and joy. Who, knowing the greatness of love and joy, would do that in this winter-bleak world?"
"I have never quite thought of it that way," I said.
"You are minding the gap, as you should," he said gently, "but as I said before, all the love and joy you bring to others is for you as well. Keep this in mind in 2025, and practice it as you practice minding the gap. You will find there is as much depth on that side as the other, but one you carry, and the other carries you."
I considered this.
"There are moments with my children's choir ... never completely because they are looking to me ... but when it all comes together and they don't need me because the music and the joy is carrying us all ... ."
"There, Frau Mathews -- do not rush on from what you have said! I am just the echo of what you already know!"
"Joy carries us all," I said. "I do know."
"And so does love, daily ... as we prepare, give our best, and surrender to it, with gratitude. You came prepared to dance ... I trusted you and surrendered, with gratitude, and gave you mutual support. I came prepared to teach ... you trusted me and surrendered, with gratitude, and gave me mutual support. That interaction so inspired me that I improvised an entire recital and blessed all around ... I gave from our overflow, in essence."
"Now, that's a lesson -- giving from the overflow," I said. "My grand old soldier and I did not have the term for that, but ... that was it ... and that presaged so much that from here on I can do."
"He began the lesson in love for you that shall never end, for he truly loves you," he said. "Since you like deep thought, Frau Mathews, consider how much he is in step with actual reality. Love Infinite is in holy accord with His own company and has need of nothing, but still decided to do Genesis 1:1."
"Wait, what ... the entire universe is the overflow? Well, actually ... WHOA."
"That ought to hold your mind for a week, Frau Mathews! Enjoy living in the overflow until next time!"
