It was sometime in 2019 and there she was, somehow under her bed,trying to escape her mother's clutches so she doesn't do chores. She mistook her stationary set for her crayon set,whilst trying to quickly get her stuff ready. She was comfortable being late,being early had never been her thing and she had no problem with that. It wasn't like she adored the idea of being in a classroom with half of its occupant possessing inflated egos and random infuriating traits that weren't physical. So she sat,like a ghost in the room. Only nodding when the teacher said something of interest and importance or speaking whenever a question was directed towards her. She never thought that would be the last sense of normal,the last time she was truly her and not a shell... of who she once was.
It wasn't the random times she'd catch herself staring out of the window in class or the random days she'd walk out her room by 3 in the morning half awake and in search of a ghost who'd take her away that made her feel lost. She knew she needed therapy for thinking the way she did,she knew she didn't want to be the way she was anymore,she knew that it didn't matter.. It would take a while to try and bring her head or soul from whatever depth of mind crushing depression and self-hate it had reached and 'a while', she wasn't so patient for.
She loved staring at the sky,be it day or night. She had no preference. They were both beautiful irrespective of their vast difference. It hurt to stare at the sun,but she did it anyway cause she loved the way it hurt. It was like she deserved it, to stare at such beauty. The cost for looking was pain to her eyes and a pounding headache reaching to in-between her eyes and forehead. The night was pretty, although staring at it didn't hurt her eyes the day the sun did. She wasn't all that pleased cause she lived for the hurt...but it was calming. To just sit, stand or lie back on the ground, staring at the way the stars glimmered in the night. The moon was so beautiful and she adored it. The cool air that came with it being night was also a favourite. It made the simmering anger and hurt she had within her cool a bit. It was relieving.
She'd randomly look down or on walls,to see a dark figure. The shadowy figure she saw everyday was the only confidant she'd trust. In the darkness,it brought solace that she had it. She liked the idea it couldn't convey words even more. It was soothing and comforting to just have someone be...with her.
Posting by 5:30am is criminal 😞
I slept early and found myself awake by that time😔
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