Mental Health learning

[jerrytsuseer]

source
so my VA Clinical Psychologist, who I have been in treatment with for several years, is trying to get me to use various non drug ways of Anger Management.
I have improved over this time period, but since I have PTSD/MSA and OCD, it has been very difficult.
He keeps telling me to "try to control your breathing when something is making you angry" to which I counter (rightfully so methinks) 'if I am in traffic and something happens, do you think I have the time and bandwidth to stop and take a breath before I start screaming in anger?"
So he has told me to start with 5 minutes at a time, at least once a day to get used to it, so that it will become second nature.
I have even set up my calendar with a DAILY REMINDER for this:

Here is what happened the first evening I tried. (after Jeopardy of course)
I turned off my TV and sat back in my recliner, began taking slow, even breaths.
Emptying my mind as best I could of the noise that is ever present in there, I thought of my breathing.
Then I became hyperaware. I heard the cats playing in another room.
I heard the airplanes over head, the cars on the roads around my home (these are not loud obtrusive sounds, I just have pretty good hearing, even considering my hearing loss)
Breathe in, breath out.... I dampen down those things, and then my Tinnitus, which is also ever present, became a whining overlay of my existence.
Damping that down as best as I can (I really do tend to ignore it most of the time) I then became acutely aware of every damned ache and pain that I also live with 24/7/365, since I don't take routine pain meds.
How on earth am I supposed to attain inner peace with all that racket?

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While back home for my sisters funeral, I saw she had a small brass bowl with a mallet like thing, I recognized it immediately as a Tibetan Singing Bowl

Singing bowls can be used for meditation in a variety of ways. While meditating, you can gently tap on the sides of the bowl to produce gentle sounds and vibrations that you can focus on. You can incorporate repetitive motion into your meditation by slowly rubbing the mallet around the inside of the bowl in a clockwise direction.

She couldn't make it sing, they had gotten it in a market in THE UKRAINE of all places while on a church ministry trip some while back.
I knew how, and started it singing, she came running "How did you DO that" ha ha 😁so I showed her.
when I got home one of the first things I did was to order a small one from Amazon

Hard to make it work correctly while holding a phone
That does help to calm me down, but I can't very well be swirling the mallet while driving etc...

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While I was a teenager, I dabbled in Yoga, mainly because I was naturally limber (OH for those days to return), I found the various poses challenging, but especially because of what I had seen about "Transendental Meditation"
The breathing is a big part of that, but I found it back then to be boring to sit in the lotus position and think of my breathing.

source
I did manage a few times to reach a state of almost being high, with goose bumps and all that, but that was years ago and I've not reached that level of 'Enlightenment' in a very long time. Pity.

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So here I am, bathing in a sea of rage most of the time, trying desparetly to keep my head above that sea and BREATH
I'm still alive, but it is a very difficult process at times. My Psych is concerned that I have lost my "Joie de vivre"

a French phrase often used in English to express a cheerful enjoyment of life, an exultation of spirit, and general happiness.

I haven't been THERE in a very long time, although with my neighbors sharing meals with me occasionally, and the prospect of getting back into performing music live in front of an audience (at once both thrilling and daunting)

I think I am making progress a bit (but this is a lousy recording)

Mental Health Progression

^by
Jerry E Smith
©02/17/2025
All images and videos are mine
unless otherwise sourced





^{Self Portrait from about 1978}

Comments

[thekittygirl]

I wish you much success with the healing and getting on-top of your feelings. 💜 I have a brass singing bowl, too! It's lovely to play with. Several years ago, I bought an album from the 33bowls project, that makes music with singing bowls, but I think they use crystal bowls instead of metal bowls. They have some music on Soundcloud if you wanna check them out: → click here ←

[jerrytsuseer]

WOW! That sounds great

[innerblocks]

Thanks for sharing your experience with us!

You have been manually curated by @thekittygirl on behalf of Inner Blocks:
a community encouraging first-hand content, and each individual living their best life.

[yugadi]

Thank you for sharing this deeply personal experience. Your attempts to cope with the PTSD are truly commendable.

I hope you continue to find peace through music and meditation. Wishing you a lot of strength ❤️