I don’t bother trying because I’m afraid of making mistakes, piano improvisation #015
Playing improvisation became more and more burdensome. I started this channel of my own volition, but I have a growing desire to pretend that’s not true and just run away. I received feedback that I’ve recently been absorbed in mannerisms. I wanted to just take it in stride, but it was such a pointed critique.
After acknowledging that fact, playing the piano and filming new videos became even more intimidating. But I didn’t have the courage to stop, either. “Still, for now, I just need to keep at it!” I thought.
At today’s filming there was one more person. So for the first time in a while I, my friend, and a third person exchanged feedback on my playing. In my head I understood what they were saying, but I didn’t have the confidence to apply that feedback to my playing, let alone improvisation. I insisted that those things can only be resolved through practice, that I’m not good enough yet!
They gave me words of encouragement to soothe my anxiety. Let’s just give it a try. I put my faith in their words and gave it a try. I tapped the keys one at a time like a baby taking its first steps. The result was different from how I normally play, and there were still many places I’m lacking, but it wasn’t bad. I felt like the walls I was trapped in had been torn down.
I think I was approaching my playing with a mind and a body that withdrew at the thought of not having practiced, and a heart that wanted to hide that version of me with complacency. Moments like these will continue to hit me, but the very least I’m going to strive not to back down from trying something new because I’m afraid of messing up. No matter what the result looks like, I made a deep resolve to give my best.
I seek to soothe through piano my emotions that can't be expressed with words. In those times I am free. This channel started as a "diary written through music". Thank you for listening.