Saying no to family is tough. Some people set boundaries effortlessly, but for me, it’s a constant battle. The guilt, the second-guessing, it makes me hesitate. But sometimes, saying no is the only way to protect yourself and gain freedom from unwanted responsibilities.
Recently, I had to ask my cousin sister to leave my house. She was entitled, ungrateful, and unwilling to take responsibility for her life. I had spent months supporting her, hoping she’d change. Instead, she took my kindness for granted.
She has no real direction, bouncing between dreams and excuses. One minute, she was running an online business. Next, she needed money to fund an expensive lifestyle which she couldn’t afford. When her mom called, I knew what was coming, another request to bail her out.
This time, it was about a failed clothing deal. She had taken money from customers, promised to deliver in three weeks, but the clothes never arrived. Now, people were threatening her. My mom begged me to let her stay while she looked for a job. I hesitated, but my husband agreed, so I opened my home to her.
I expected effort. Instead, she spent her days eating, sleeping, and scrolling through her phone. She didn’t lift a finger to help around the house. I tried encouraging her. I even set up a Hive account for her since she loved being online. She showed no interest.
Then, I went a step further. I found her a job at a well-known store. She went for the interview but showed up late. They asked her to wait in the busy shop, and instead of helping, she stood there, arms crossed, like she was too good for the place. When I asked why she didn’t assist, she said, “They haven’t hired me yet, so why should I help?” That was it for me. She didn't get the Job because 'helping out' was a test to pass the interview but she had no idea.
She had no initiative, no gratitude. I realized I was enabling her. She lived for free, ate for free, used water, electricity, and gas for free, yet contributed nothing. If I cleaned, she messed up the house. She wouldn’t even wash her plate after eating. And the worst part? She expected me to tell her to do chores as if basic responsibility was optional.
At 23, she behaved like a child who refused to grow up. I was exhausted both physically, emotionally, mentally. I had covered 85% of her needs, thinking I was helping. Instead, I had made her dependent.
Finally, I gave her two choices: change or leave. She chose to leave. I won’t lie I wanted her to stay, but only if she was willing to grow. She wasn’t. Instead, she stormed out, angry that I had dared to set a boundary.
I had spent months feeling drained, manipulated, and mentally exhausted. Every time I tried to say no, she guilt-tripped me, pulling my mom into it. She always found a way to make me feel like the bad guy.
But after she left, something shifted. I felt lighter, freer. I had tried everything, and she still refused to take responsibility for her life. That wasn’t on me.
Six months passed. She still had no job. She hadn’t gone for a single interview aside from the one I got her. She was exactly where she had been before, waiting for someone else to save her.
Then, last week, she called. She wanted to come back. For the first time, I didn’t hesitate. I simply said, “No.” And I have no regrets. Honestly speaking, I tried. I gave her every chance. But at some point, you have to put yourself first. Saying no isn’t cruel at all but it’s necessary. Because if someone refuses to help themselves, you can’t keep carrying them.
So, I chose peace. And I don’t feel guilty about it.
What matters to me is breaking free from these unhealthy obligations, emotional and mental clutter that she has caused me. For this freedom wasn't about adding more it's about 'letting go' these unhealthy decency that she embodies.
When it comes to our loved ones setting boundaries isn't selfish at all, rather it is essential for your peace and well-being.
Ah, it can be a difficult age. A lot of people struggle to own up and become responsible (but I hope your cousin does). It's hard (perhaps even harder than growing up) to say no to these people sometimes. Precisely because they're close to us and we love them, but in the end, I think you did the right thing. I reckon she's gonna learn a lot more from this experience and it will ultimately be more helpful than if you'd allowed her to crash for another 3 months. So stay strong :) She'll thank you for it someday. Hopefully. And even if not, you know you did all you could.
Knowing this, I am satisfied and I feel a lot freer. It wasn't easy saying NO to her but I had to. I just hope she is making the right decisions out there—these are my thoughts because I care about her and I need her to grow up and take responsibility for life. She is going to learn the hard way.