I don't need much. Dirt, foliage, a strong coffee, and the man I love.
I used to want much more though, I felt as if items or nice experiences could fill a void in me. That I could buy my way to happiness.
Although I have always tended towards minimalism due to growing up with a father who refuses to throw anything away, ever... I still fell prey to the idea that a purchase could make me feel better. I bought expensive bottles of wine, took myself out on dates to fancy restaurants, bought make-up and vintage dresses. As it turns out, I feel the same dressed in Armani eating oysters as I do on my couch in my PJs. How did I come to this understanding?
Spirituality.
I looked for relief from the pain I felt in baggies and aesthetically pleasing places. I ingested substances notorious for numbing their user, yet I still felt everything. When the sun began to rise on my shaking form, it illuminated all of the ways I was doing the exact opposite of what I intended.
I've talked about what came after that on Hive before, my decision to sell all of my things and move to a protest camp. I've never talked about what formed that choice outside of a penchant for activism though. I was in a ton of pain.
It was not hard to leave my life behind, move into a tipi and sleep in Thinsulate clothing inside my subzero bag so I did not die. It was a gift, one that almost certainly saved my life. I was spiritually starving, and life had decided to feed me.
I no longer slept when the sun came up, instead I greeted it with gratitude. I developed a ritual that I no longer do daily, yet still appreciate. I'd gather sage and cedar and light them on fire inside my smudge bowl. The smoke was clean, the Sioux say it is the great purifier, and it washed me.
I still have the bowl, a beautiful shell which sits on my bedroom shelf. It is now one of the few objects that are meaningful to me. I'd count it among my most cherished possessions, along with headphones that @yaziris sent me, and an ink blot that represents my connection to him.
My spiritual practices evolved and grew rapidly. Although I do not believe in God in a traditional sense, I developed an adoration for prayer during this time. One that I still carry with me to this day. Sometimes the only answer for me is to connect to the universe, sit inside it mindfully.
I still begin my prayers by smudging myself, letting the sweet smoke waft through my hair, fill my eyes, reach from my ears to my toes. And then I listen, letting my thoughts flicker and drift away. I suppose it would be more a form of meditation than prayer from an outside perspective.
But I talk to God, and I feel that God talks back. This has once again become integral in my growth in life, it's time for me to evolve once more. Just as I found myself selling all I owned to move away years ago, I now find myself again.
This time I will move across the globe, some seven thousand miles from where I reside now.
Although my intention was to write for this week's #KISS prompt, it just so happens that I am writing it on #TransformationThursday, which feels right.
I'm ready to let go of my fears. I am ready to face the trauma that has added shading to the lines of my life. I am ready to take chances, to chase what I really want unwaveringly. To stop letting my overactive sense of guilt or the unasked-for opinions of others change the course I sail on.
I have spoken to the universe, and it is holding me in my choices. That is not to say that it hasn't been, and won't continue to be challenging. What good things in life are not worth standing up to challenges though? Perhaps it is my avoidance of challenge that landed me in the depression that has permeated my life for the last years.
I kept trying to fake it till I make it, but one day I realized... I was winning at a game that I did not enjoy playing. I looked in the mirror and the light was gone from my eyes. The universe is mischievous though, and soon it presented an unlikely balm to the distress I felt.
An urge to write began to grow in me, and I sought a place to set my words down. I liked Steemit when I was there briefly in 2017, but when I came back things had gone to shit. Where was everyone? On Hive it turns out, so I made this account.
I met a lot of awesome people, and one of them linked me an HTML post. It would turn out that it's author would be the love of my life, the only person I've ever felt truly understood by. From day one there was something obviously special between us, and it all started with me misunderstanding the post... I fucked my HTML attempt up, and it was the best thing I ever did.
Much like years before, a misstep had placed me on the right path. I cannot explain the feeling of being called to take action on something, but I believe it is something everyone experiences at least once. When I sat in the stillness of the world and listened, I was very clearly directed.
My directions were objectively loopy, placing me on a highway to what most would consider sheer insanity. I too thought I was insane for a time, hitting walls again and again. But I never wanted to give up. It's strange how life sometimes tortures us while it prepares paradise.
There is something penultimately healing when you trauma dump, and the receiver likes it. Even goes so far as to ask MORE questions about it, seeking understanding of how you feel with genuine interest. It's the sort of thing that might even make a lost scamp feel like an actual person. Imagine that.
It's set the standard for what I will accept in life much higher, turned my expectations of others from optional to imperative. I no longer kick myself around just for the sake of others. I could give a fuck less if they understand this or not.
I wasted too much of my life people pleasing, being the person that others needed me to be. As I venture into the next chapter of my life, I'm ready to be the person that I need me to be; someone who can teach her children from experience to never treat their well-being as an option.
I'm living in my divine feminine; held fast in the palm of God as I understand her. I no longer believe that spirituality has to be soft. Sometimes it is brutal, the strike that rips the fabric that would cover your eyes otherwise. Sometimes it is not for anyone but us to understand, this deep search for self-actualization in this wonky world. These days I am keeping it simple by trusting my gut.
I always deserved that, even if it took me a while to figure it out.
In my experience, if you're ready to take chances and chase what you want, the universe will provide. Of course, you first have to know what you want, something I've never quite been able to work out.
I think that's spot on- there's a few times in my life that I've left things in the universe's hands, and its yet to let me down! I think there is some sort of spark in all of us that can connect, if we let it.
I'm constantly surprised by what I get when I am brave enough to ask!
and ahahahaha how does one identify what they really want in this world anyhow?! I think this is the first time it's been so straight forward for me 😂
Good for you! I'm glad you were able to find your way out of "the darkness" if you will. I also have become a minimalist the older I become, although I haven't made the move to a tipi. Finding spiritualism is such a huge step and I'm happy that you found your way. I love your post, thanks for sharing so much about your life!
What a lovely comment, thank you so much for the thoughtful read!! 💚
Couldn't say it any better than that! It's really good to be on the other side of it, and to be seen. I agree that finding a spiritual connection, to whatever it may be, is such a level-up against the nonsense life hands us at times!
And I can totally get minimalism becoming more appealing as we grow here on this earth... the more I've seen, the less I need or want haha!
🤗 !PIMP
You must be killin' it out here!
@grindan just slapped you with 1.000 PIMP, @thebighigg.
You earned 1.000 PIMP for the strong hand.
They're getting a workout and slapped 1/2 possible people today.
Read about some PIMP Shit or Look for the PIMP District
I finally managed to get a moment between the hectic happennings that have been happenning to read and comment on this. 😂
I'm so glad you did! And I'd say, writing that HTML post was the best thing I ever did. 💞
The past year was one of the longest and shortest years at the same time. Challenging for sure but it certainly was the best and most beautiful so far despite everything. It's been the path to all the good and awesome things yet to come soon. Very soon! 😎✈❤
I'll call you tonight when I'm back. Miss you and FUCKING LOVE YOU!!! 😘😘😘
I hope the happenings get HAPPENED, ya know?! I miss youuuuu toooooo 😭💞
So freaking true! It's amazing to think of all the hurdles we over came right out of the gate together. All I can keep thinking is how easy everything after this will feel, just a step more... 😍
Cannot wait to hear your voice my heart 💃 (<- That's me when you can finally call)
I fucking love you too! 😘😘😘
So much I think I may explode!!
I love the phrasing here. Something about it is very humble and beautiful. Like you, it seems. I also loved what you said about the universe having your back. It usually does. And when it doesn't, it's a good chance to take a second and ask why not. Cause maybe there's something there.
I'm so happy for you on that count. What untold wealth.
Shucks 💕 this comment felt like a big hug, THANK YOU!! 💗
That is one of the truest things I've ever read- when we hit walls, we have to ask why. Sometimes it is just life handing us adversity, but sometimes it is SO much more. If we listen, I think the universe is more than happy to tell us which 🙌
I'm grateful that we have connected, you've made me grin like a goob just now 🤗
🤗💕
It’s good to set a standard for what you want and also the things you can accept. You need to be able to stand a ground
I wish you well!
Heck yeah! That's very true. Thank you for checking out my post! 💚
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Woah! Thanks to everyone who has supported my posts, and to Hive Buzz for these notifications! 😄💚
100k upvotes is a major milestone. Awesome job @grindan! 🎉🌹
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Thank you for the love Kitty! 💕🤗