If you're not getting past this today, this week, this month, this year, all of a sudden a decade goes by and you're still hung up and you can't get rid of that thing... If it's holding you back from going where you wanna go, maybe you should just deny the fucking thing ever happened. Kick it in the head. Kick it off the curb. I'm done with you. I'm sick of you. I'm tired of hanging out with you. I'm tired of that thing, whatever it is, holding me back from going where I wanna go.
I happen to think Matthew McConaughey is a very wise man. The above quote, predictably, is his (from Lex Friedman's podcast). And I tried it. Except it doesn't work, nor am I sure it's good advice.
Unfortunately, we can't forget. The more we try to pretend things in our past didn't happen, the more trouble they cause us in the present. So maybe instead of letting baggage go, we need to pull them closer.
Don't let it go.
Because it's clearly not letting you go, and between you and it, I'm sensing it's a lot more powerful. This thing. So, sorry, Mr. McConaughey, I don't think you're right on this one. Which isn't to say you can't learn something from the quote.
For me, once I stopped butting my head against the wall trying to "kick it to the curb", I managed to focus on another part, instead. The "keeping you from where you wanna go" part.
Except, do you really know where you wanna go?
The trouble is, most of us are trying to go to the past. Think about it, the things that keep you stuck - typically an unfortunate event, a shitty childhood, an abusive episode, an ex, some kind of trauma from the past. Except it's not keeping you stuck from going to the future. You're not focused on the future. You're not even pointing in that direction. You're just looking back, trying to stroll right back to that moment and undo whatever it is that messed you up.
That's not to say you're not living your life. You are. You're functioning. You're eating, cleaning the house, punching the clock, playing with the kids. But you're not oriented towards that, nor towards future destinations. Just because you're marking time doesn't mean you're not living in the past.
So maybe it would help, rather than obsessing (or trying to wave that magic wand and let it go) to Marie Kondo the fucking thing. Put your phone away and tell everyone not to come into the room for an hour or ten. And just sit with your thing, whatever it is. Crappy relationships, humiliating moments at work, an attack, and so on. Visualize actually sitting with it if it helps.
See, what I think we get wrong about emotional baggage and hang-ups is that they're easily fixed, that letting go is a magic pill that we must take and be better. And if we fail to let it go, which most of us tend to, then something's gotta be wrong with us. As if we needed more.
Stop focusing on "let go". Start figuring out what it's making you feel. 'Cause that'll tell you why you can't let go.
It's not an easy process and certainly not pleasant. Sometimes we hold on to things because we like the drama, the feeling that something "important" happened to us. Sometimes, we hold on to things because in our hearts, they're not resolved. Maybe you're longing to go back to that ex you're still hung up on. Maybe there's stuff you wish you'd told your mom. It's never too late. Figure out why you wanna go back to the ex and go back. Tell the things you need to tell people, if not to your mom (though preferably), then to a close friend or a therapist.
And if you're holding on to it just because you like the drama, man the fuck up and understand you're keeping more exciting things from happening to you.
Feeling what you feel isn't the hard part. Getting your head to shut the fuck up for long enough...that's the hard part.
Don't ignore your psyche, assuming that whatever's lodged in your heart is just stubborn and stupid and will clear up on its own. Maybe it's lodged there with good reason. Maybe you're not living the life you want. Maybe your inner composition isn't truly okay, if it's holding on to bullshit.
What do you feel when you think about it? What do you wish you'd done? What do you fantasize about going different? You know what they say about ghosts, you gotta acknowledge them in order to release them, and if you're hyper-focused on "I gotta let this go now", that decade will go by and you'll still be here.
The reason things stay with us isn't that they're mean and like to keep us from going to the future. It's because we're circling back into our own past. Which brings us to the real interesting qestion...
What's so damn terrifying about your future that you don't wanna look at it?
or
What's so discomforting about your present that you'd rather be stuck in the past?
We do it for all sorts of reasons. And it's always, always easier to justify a disappointing career, love life, or any other situation by being "hung up" on some bullshit from three, five, ten years ago.
Introspection is a hard thing to do. I don't mean yoga, sitting on your head or whatever else, though those may help. I mean clearing up all that noise that you pollute your inner sanctum with to keep yourself distracted. Because if you keep hopping from emotional hang-ups to petty day-to-day shit, that's your present pretty much accounted for, with no time to consider your soul, your truth, the direction you'd actually want to go in.
And if you've done the soul-searching and that's only got you more stuck, try to focus on someone else for a while. Their problem, their story, their needs. It's not all about you. And thank fuck for that. Can you imagine if it was?
I wrote this in response to the #KISS prompt for this week,
What advice would you give to a friend who struggles to let go of physical or emotional things and experiences?
Physical Things? I'd say "why do you define yourself so much by your physical possessions? Whence this idea that you're so emotionally and psychologically empty to need to do that, and why the fuck are you not doing anything about it?
Emotional Things? The above. I give that advice to myself every goddamn day. Why you holding on to this? You wanna do something about it? We can, but it won't take you back into the past. That doesn't work, and often it's what we're secretly hungering for. And if you don't wanna do anything about it and are just holding on because fear, well then, fuck fear.
Where's the glory? Just another story
I won't be the ending that was written for me
Write your own damn ending. Don't let it be some bullshit that stems from your or someone else's fear.
Thanks for keeping it real!
💯
This is what many fail to do, and then find themselves going down the same path, because of baggage, that they never really 'let go' of.
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There are so many strong points in one post, that I don't know where to start.
I wish many would read this 🙌
I think we fail to distinguish between the memory of something and unresolved issues. Obviously, we'll always remember a certain situation/relationship/time in our lives. Can't change that, but if it's still got its hooks in you, chances are there's something unresolved that you really need to work on before whatever's supposed to happen next in your story happens.
Thanks! Just an aggregate of thoughts that were pooling around my brain anyway, so glad to have somewhere to share them ;)
I wish I'd read this five years ago when I was holding on to the fact that I got bad grades in school. Men I was so hung up on travelling back in time and actually putting my phone and reading. I knew that my bad grades were my fault, and I carried the guilt with me for many years.
If I had done what you suggest here, which is to just sit with my feelings, and figure why I felt such crippling guilt, at least I would be focusing on the present and who knows, I'd have found a way to move on.
You post is a gem to people feeling stuck. This would help a great deal of people.
My favorite quote is "fear is a mile wide and an inch deep". It might look like the whole world is gonna fall apart, but when we actually face our fears, we realise, it wasn't so bad after all.
Amazing piece!
Thanks, love. I'm glad this resonated. I'm also glad you found your own way getting unstuck. You seem to be doing fine on your own ;)
I was not familiar with that quote, thank you for it!!
Letting go? It sure isn't always easy and easier than done. Things do.t just vanish into thing air. No! We need to face them. Acknowledged their presence, discussed with ourselves, and found a way out either from ourselves, therapists, or something.
But we do need to do something for ourselves and not let whatever painful past we have defined us. It is not easy, and I'll keep saying that because some pasts are damn traumatic and the images and words are super vivid. The fear is very present, but we are not there anymore. We are here. We are right here and even bigger and stronger.