There is so much I regard as incompetency but giving in to living on autopilot was not a result of my incompetence and inability to make daily decisions, get totally involved with many life situations, and make new friends. Julia said I was not ' living ' anymore, that I was nothing more than a robot at heart, programmed to have a life functioning the way I wanted it to go without any interruptions or new changes.
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But it made sense that my life started to flow around a carefully constructed schedule that allowed me to live without getting immersed in day-to-day decision-making, new meal planning, and many other things that had kept me always too occupied in the past years. It made sense that I could stand aloof psychologically while my life sailed past each day. There was a new form of tranquility that Julia would never understand. There was a light-headedness that transcended what she regarded as ' living '.
I still walked my dog, Roy. I still went to the spa, Did the laundry, and fixed my meals, but I did not have to spend days fretting that I would miss a spa session if anything outside my initial plan came up. I didn't worry that I might spend too much time with the girls and end up not having laundry done. There was no downside to just living.
There was nothing remotely sad or worrisome about living on autopilot. As a working-class woman who had been on both sides of the divide, my new life helped me stay sane and helped me overcome the many troubles that came with wanting to fix everyone and everything around me. I could relax and just breathe. I could sit and just live, watching the day go by without feeling pressured in any way. Julia came on the day I was given leave from work. She was as chatty as ever, breezing in with her usual aplomb and with words in her mouth.
"The lawn man said you were asleep. How did he know that?"
She asked when I took the door. She had two boxes. One with a large-sized pizza and the other, with drumsticks. "I was out a while ago and I told him I would be sleeping inside. It's my leave so, I have to take all the rest I can." I said. She was smiling when I relieved her of the boxes and positioned them on the center table. "The girls are going to have a night out next weekend and I was hoping you could join in the preparation." She said when she had settled on the couch. I grimaced. "Making plans and running events stopped being my thing, Julia."
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I said. She frowned. I did not tell her how I liked to see her frown because it made her press her lips together, revealing a dimple. She reached one hand out and pushed a few stray strands of her dwarf hair behind her ears and repositioned on the couch. "I'm not sure you understand what I said, Kim." She started to say, "It is not what you are thinking. You just have to make a small…"
" Why don't you do it, Julia? I don't want to. I have enough going for me and I can't add that to the list of things that I have to do in a day." I said. She understood me perfectly, but she was also irritated that I was impenetrable. "I'd think it is good enough to have a well-organized life just going without any troubles." I breathed, reaching for one of the boxes.
"You're right." Julia concurred after minutes of watching me chew on a slice of pizza. "You know, I envy you sometimes, Kim. You're living your best life. You let things go the way they want to and you don't even catch yourself getting worried over anything." I nodded. She was right.
Among the girls, there was always talk about people who simply enjoyed existing, people who would never worry their heads about how to fix something or anything at all work, against its natural course every time, I felt it was about me they were talking about. My new life was birthed from the exhaustion of living on the other side of the divide. When I made my meals, I followed the recipes, if they did not turn out well enough, there was always no point trying to salvage it, to make adjustments and fret over nothing.
It made me sick when people tried to control all the happenings around their lives. It made me feel sorry for them that the smallest changes in their lives impacted them so much that it sometimes destabilized them I choose to just live, having my life run in an organized circle, in a schedule!
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