Thank you for this reply, which caught me a little cold, but at the same time touched and pleased me. I've also been watching you rather quietly for a while and it's been many years since we spoke in the comments section. At the time I recoiled from you, you were a lot more aggressive than I have observed from you in the last two or three years. You have adopted a refreshing honesty, I think. That is one of the most remarkable qualities to embrace and perhaps it is only the approaching end of one's life that helps one to be more humble and open-hearted. Since I, too, have already passed my midlife, I feel the change of growing older and the crushing events of recent times have something good for me in that sense, because they clarify the value of life, something that young people tend not to appreciate because they think they are immortal. That may be left to them. I was once like that myself. But I think my life as a young woman was a lot freer and better than that of young people today. But maybe I'm imagining that. And in the end, these comparisons are useless anyway.
It saddens me that you say that it is not worth hoping for your friendship or further companionship. I am quite of the opposite opinion, that any relationship that has some depth mixed into it is worth nurturing or pursuing to the end. But I do not expect such from you, let that be clear.
In any case, it would mean a lot to me that after your death, your son gives appropriate notice. Death becomes a friend when you have had enough of life, I think. At the same time, it frightens you. What should one do? I try to be accepting of dying, it's easier for me with others than with myself. I got over the death of my parents quite well, I'll see how I feel when it's my siblings' turn, if I survive them. But the old people I know who are still alive, some of them have developed a certain humour that surprises and makes me laugh. I love these old people for their stories, their experiences and what they have to give if you are willing to spend time with them.
Tell me, how old are you anyway?
I had to laugh when I read that you have 150 tabs open. HaHa! I'm similar, can't close anything I think I might still need and copy things from it or think about it, reflect. My husband shakes his head at this.
I hope you return from hammering nails and we can have a chat here and there. If it distracts you from what you really want to distract yourself from, I'll see.
I send you my best regards!