It's mania, baby

Far too much has been going on recently for me to even bother trying to write it all down.

Burning through all my PTO, haven't been to work in two weeks.

Wouldn't be surprised if I just don't have a job anymore when I finally go back next week. Bare minimum, I'm getting a writeup and my reputation as an excellent employee with an outstanding work ethic will take a hit.

But what are you gonna do when a mental health crisis comes knocking and drags you down into the abyss?

Call in sick every day and get paid for it, I suppose. Things could be much, much worse for me.

My frustration with management and coworkers was at an all-time high and I was having panic attacks on the clock almost every day, and then one day I just snapped and walked out.

Sigh.

Yesterday I woke up screaming Fuck you and flipping the bird in the direction of where my cousin had been standing in my nightmare a split second before. There was a bobcat involved in the plot but I don't remember why.

Can't remember why I was angry with my cousin, either, but I think it had something to do with the way he was treating the bobcat.

Did I just defend a fucking bobcat in a nightmare? Jesus.

Last week I did a few things that very much went against my introverted personality.

1 - I walked into a random strip club with $200 on a Wednesday night and had a blast.

2 - I shot a couple rounds of pool with a stranger in a dive bar, then left without tipping the bartender after she had the balls to cut me off before I was even seeing double.

3 - I went to the hot springs and enjoyed a nice soak for a couple hours, and hit on a girl who was clearly at least 20 years younger than me.

I went by myself on all three occasions. Normally I wouldn't be able to do those things unless I had a friend going with me, but this time for some reason I was able to tell my social anxiety to fuck right off and I had absolutely no inhibitions.

Basically, it's a symptom of the bipolar disorder.

When I have a meltdown like the one I'm having right now, my brain goes manic and I start acting recklessly.

1 - reckless, I can't afford to blow $200 on anything right now

2 - reckless, that was the kind of small town where they shoot assholes like me

3 - reckless, coulda been jailbait

But you know what? I don't care. I'm glad I did those things and I had fun doing them.

4 - I decided to quit showing up for work and blow through all my PTO instead.

Reckless, I could lose my job.

But you know what?

I don't care.

It's been fun.

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