I have mixed feeling but more I thank God for the day I got Wealth (my sweet, cute baby lhasa). Mixed feelings because I feel so down, depressed and too tired, I really want to end it all and really that's really all I can think of right now {sobs] I really don't just know how not to give up anymore, unable to figure anything out, every capacity in me has been used and drained. At no point does it seem any easier, I'm tired and this tiime everyone can actually see but yet I still can't seem to open up becase I'm too scared of being weak,I don't know how not to be strong or at the very least act as though I am. But this time, my soul is frail seeking rest from a source that would even make me weaker . I am not doing this anymore, no, I'm tired, I don't wanna be strong. I don't see why, I really don't see why. Why should I go on living? Why shouldn't I just take the easy route out? What is the essence of living not knowing what to do or how?
I'm done. Really! really done.
But somehow how, like thinking about a child, she crosses my mind, her cute, innocent, sometimes sad face flashes in my thought I’m not sure if it’s because somehow she reminds me of myself. Even though she's just a dog, she's strong, resillient, brave, smart and really STRONG Or maybe I just feel a sense of responsibilty towards her (I guess she’s my child afterall). Why should I let her suffer? who would love her as much as I love her. Who can she love as much as she loves me? Would she really be ok? Would she ever forgive me? Is she really going to suffer? Why shosuld she be made to suffer? The only question on my mind? Is she gonna be loved properly? Although not sure of the answer to these questions, I brace up, again facing life one more time with her in mind.
Then it dawns on me there's always a purpose for everything, people, situtation, events.EVERY SINGLE THING in our lives. She, although a dog, was sent to give me a course with it courage, strength, an extra push for every time life pushes me down, A REASON TO LIVE.
