I don't know how consciously you were manifesting Iain M Banks when writing this, but i'd have happily accepted being told it was a fragment from an unpublished novel by him.
If you intend to make this more, I'm here for it
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I'll have to look him up because I'm not familiar with him, but I'll take that as a compliment.
The first part of this story was posted yesterday, and I'm going to focus on writing this exlusivly for the foreseeble. I have an outline for this one to help stay on track with it.