I've had this desperate itch...
...
It's tickled across the soft gray folds of my prefrontal cortex like a feather -- flickering and pulsing inside my skull -- carelessly dislodging a few drops of serotonin.
Drip... < echo >...
Drop... < echo >...
"Is this a thought?"
No.
This... is a desire...
A tidal wave that's been swelling inside me for too long.
So... Hello (again).
...
It's been nearly 19 months since I last wrote a post on Hive.
I suppose (if you held a gun to my head) I'd tell you it's because I've been "out of spoons," so to speak. I've been leaping through some necessary stages of personal development and growth.
This has required energy, determination and focus.
A few years ago, when I was writing here on Hive, I didn't have that focus.
I really struggled to form my thoughts. It took me hours to write a simple post as my 'recently clean' (aka, 'still drug-hazed' brain) strained to formulate a narrative worth reading.
The Wreckage
...
Back then, I was striving to build something out of the wreckage that was my life.
I was floundering, seeking -- trying to discover who I was and what kind of value I could offer the world after all the years I'd run from my pain into comforting bottles of alcohol and pills -- later, relying on syringes that turned me into someone I'd never imagined I'd become.
My heart was broken. I was full of pain. I hated. I couldn't trust.
I was ashamed. I was angry. I was hopeless.
I didn't even have the self-awareness to recognize these things. I didn't even write about those feelings.
I just, buried them.
Felt them, wordlessly.
Because I was overwhelmed by...
...needs.
...
Needs...
So many needs...
I needed to create a life for us (my wife Audra and me).
I needed to get the basics in order. We needed a home. I needed to stay clean. I needed stable income.
I needed to overcome my past. We needed to heal in our relationship. I needed to figure out how to get well-paid in a world that (I incorrectly thought) saw only the drug felonies on my record.
Fulfilling those needs became my sole focus.
The Evidence Of Things Not Seen.
Every minute of every day I was staring into this black abyss.
Every second, crushed by the anxiety of it.
Yet, faith in God helped me to press on. To search for the solutions. To believe I wasn't destined for endless struggle and mediocrity.
I refused to yield to the convincing voice which whispered:
"You are your past... just a junkie... an ex-con... a reject of society."
Instead, Audra and I held onto faith together.
Despite all my brokenness, God was calling me to a higher existence, and it was just going to take some work to reach that new place.
Faith + hard work really is enough.
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen" - Hebrews 11:1
So Here's A Status Update
Today, Audra and I have:
- 4+ years clean from drugs
- 4+ years married (we got married on our clean date) ;)
- 3+ years as NON-smokers (yes! we did it!)
- Made my first $10,000+ in a single month freelancing this November 🥳
- Got some big entrepreneurial open doors swinging wide in 2024 (more about this some other time)...
I'm so grateful for all we've accomplished.
I'm so excited for what's to come!!!
Nevertheless... back to the point... the itch...
During that journey, I've had a constant flow of work output.
I've been learning, investing in my skill sets, working with clients, launching products, taking on new roles, working with startups (I just had a meeting with someone who helped lead Uber's international growth team back in the day, haha)...
...all while diving deep into self-reflection, inner healing and becoming spiritually healthy.
If you'd tried to pinpoint my 'stage' in the life-cycle, I guess I'd have been a seed... extending my roots deep beneath the soil to get a firm foundation before emerging into the sun.
But this week's itch...???
This itch is a sign!
...
This week, I've had a fierce itch to write on Hive.
Hive is the only place where I've written personal posts (I almost never post on other social media like FB, about once every 6 months to a year).
I remember Hive being almost like journaling to the community -- a place where we can get vulnerable, think and feel together, get wisdom from each other and grow together...
A place where you and I can actually have a conversation (even if it's just in your head as you read this).
Unless you comment, of course.
Then, you can become a 'reality alchemist' transmuting this intangible convo into a real one -- which is awesome if you ask me.
FYI, you should definitely comment. You fancy alchemist, you. ;)
Anyway...
I remember how much I enjoyed writing to this community about travel, our life, things I was learning and about crypto (which I knew practically nothing about, but thought I did, haha)...
I just ran outta' gas trying to dig us out of the pit we were in.
So I'm taking this itch to write here as a sign.
It means, I'm finally stable. Finally rooted.
I can write to enjoy it. Not because I'm desperate for votes so we can get a pack of cigarettes or put $4 in the gas tank so we can make it to the next town (we were living in our mini-van).
Now, I can write for the shear joy of it.
I can write in the hopes that I'll elicit a "hmmm's..." and... "haaa's..." with a few phrases where you catch a bit of my heart and maybe relate and connect.
And that's cool.
It's good to be back.
More to come soon -- maybe with some fun Christmas photos from a recent trip on the Oregon coast.
(teaser) here's a pic of me taking some of those pics:
...
P.S. Also tagging @galenkp here, just 'cause I miss you, dude! It's been forever. Hope to hear from you!
Wow mate, seems like you have totally nailed this life journey! I definitely understand the awesomeness of doing that with a life partner. My hubs and I kinda did same . Struggled out of the craziness together. And man, I am so so glad we quit smoking (and everything else). Good on you. Sounds like you have a mission and went for it. Great to see you back here. You've been missed.
Thank you! That's awesome with you and your hubby. Yes! Non-smoking life is SO MUCH BETTER!!! Lol. Missed all you guys too. Honestly, I felt kind of guilty for being a recluse so long, and that kept me away even longer. I can't count the times I thought about posting the last year and a half.
I now realize I've just gotta' do things the way I'm wired and post when I can. Feeling bad just gets in the way of having fun! 🙂
Thanks for letting me know I'm still welcome in your neck of the woods. ;)
Welcome back 😀
Thanks man! :)