We let unwelcomed guests into our homes. They use our plates as they dig into our food with our cutlery. It’s okay, we say. We’re hospitable.
However, I draw the line when unsolicited advice slides on the dinner table like a crisp, folded paper napkin. What unfolds is a series of entitled opinions and misunderstood contexts. That is something I don’t tolerate.
What if it came from an older member of my family?
This is where things get a bit more complicated, especially in the Philippines, where we are hospitable to a fault, people pleasers, and family-oriented.
This blog speaks more of my extended family merged with the similar stories of the people I met from Online Kamustahan. This is an inside look at where unsolicited advice comes from, why we do it, and how it can negatively affect our mental health.
Origins of ‘Marites’ culture
These days we call the person who gossips and shares their unwelcomed opinions a “Marites.” Villanueva (2021) said it has an unclear origin, but you can consider it the Filipina counterpart of a “Karen.”
Meanwhile, the gossip culture has been around for many years. It can be traced back to the Spanish colonial period, where cultural and gender oppression prompted us to cope by relating to one another in secret (Canonigo, 2022).
In hushed tones, we try our best to bring back our sense of power. This could be done in unsolicited advice, which Woolfe (2019) supported through citing a study where “people with a high tendency to seek power were more likely to give advice compared to those with a low tendency.”
The repression continues
I believe we haven’t left the oppressive era – it’s just wearing a different mask. Our culture remains instilled with power dynamics that force us to cope in whispers. For instance, in toxic Filipino families, you can’t call out the wrongdoings of your elders.
You can’t talk about your emotions out loud.
You can’t open up about your mental health issues.
In my case, a huge blow happened in our family. Without going into too much details, it’s hard to talk about my parents.
Unfortunately, a few days ago, I faced with a person who gave unsolicited advice about my family. The meeting was supposedly about business since they asked for my services and I agreed to discuss the details over dinner.
Our peaceful encounter was interrupted by a question.
“Magiging Marites na ako ha. How are you with your parents?”
“Um, ganun pa rin po.”
The conversation quickly snowballed to pressing questions and a different tone. I could’ve ended the night there, but my inner child liked to see another adult who cared enough to ask. My inner child wanted to test if they were safe enough.
As if the universe heard me, they spoke, “Just understand them. They are your parents.”
My heart sank. Maybe this was their attempt to regain power because it was her family as well, my father was her brother. And I understand that she meant well, but it was damaging because my issues were deeper and more complex than she knows.
On top of that, she was dismissive, defensive, and missed my emotional cues. I was visibly uncomfortable and talking about my mother brought me to tears. As a result, I left the restaurant with more shame than when I first entered.
Why we need to stop giving unsolicited advice
Martin (2020) said that unsolicited advice is a boundary violation. It is intrusive because you undermine someone’s right to self-determination. There was no asking if they could give an advice, it just lands on your plate.
It also suggests that you are in need of some knowledge or wisdom from them (Woolfe, 2019). Most of the time, we just need someone to listen with empathy and compassion. You can imagine how frustrating this could be.
Personally, I think giving unsolicited advice needs to stop because you don’t know what someone is going through. That piece of wisdom could invalidate someone’s experience.
Like my relative, she could have good intentions, but her words flashed memories of my family’s abuse. And you’re telling me to just understand that?
Here’s what we can do
It’s simple: Don’t assume that the person you are talking to needs to hear what to do. They just want someone there to sit with their feelings. But if you feel like your advice might be helpful, just ask:
- Are you interested in hearing some of my ideas that might help you?
- How can I help you more: would you like some advice or I’ll just listen?
- What can I do to help you?
If there’s something I could tell myself back then, I wish I could’ve responded more directly. Next time, when I encounter another person who spoke out of line, these are some of the things I want to say:
- Thanks for saying that, but I’m not looking for advice right now. Can we talk about ____ instead?
- I know you’re trying to help, but can you let me vent? I just need to get it out off my chest.
- I only discuss this to my therapist. I would appreciate if you can respect that.
Right after leaving the restaurant, my sister called me. Gradually I felt safe again and I reminded myself that there are people who can just listen. Who cares about a Marites? I have true friends who empower me and believe in me.
Thank you for reading 💜 Have a healing day!
What are your thoughts about this? Let me know in the comments!
(gifs from peakd.com)
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Hi @ishwoundedhealer! Thank you for sharing this content, it is very helpful in all aspects. Most of the conflicts we live in could be avoided if we all had knowledge like this at our fingertips.
This reminded me of when my sister said, “Despite what he did, he is still your father”.
At that time, I felt even more alone and scarred. It is as though my anger was invalid because of his sullied title within our home. Like it is my obligation to be hurt even as a child who was ever too young to unravel the falsehood of our family. For them, his sins weigh lighter than my sufferings. They enslaved me to forced forgiveness, as they condone the heaviness of his faults.
It is sickening to live in a house that teaches you nothing else but numbness.
Hey @adhira, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Forgiveness is not something you could force and that's them trying to control the narrative. It is unfair and you deserve better.
If you need someone to talk to nasa discord lang ako, you can send me a DM 😊
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. This is your safe space too!
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