Death and rebirth is a process.
I want to share with you my acceptance of the great agony of my fear so that I could embrace my heart and take a dive into the unknown.
Nearly two and a half years ago I was given a gift. I was laid off from my my job.
After which I was diligently looking for work, but I was also enjoying not having a job. And I didn't have guilt of not working because not having a job was out of my control. I had worked for almost 20 years - since high school I had not had much of a break from employment, from having a boss.
And when I took on new interviews I cringed. I didn't quite allow myself to see that I didn't want another job. I secretly hoped I wouldn't get a job offer.
But after a few months went by I realized that what I wanted was to follow my passion... of gardening, of being in nature, of my dream of having a homestead.
The thought of farming for a living came to mind. The thought of wwoofing, or volunteering on farms for food and board, flirted with my consciousness.
I remembered the articles from Mother Earth News that my mother had photo copied and mailed me about some young people that had made a living with the french intensive veggie farming model. And articles of people that went wwoofing on farms across the world before starting their own farm.
But how could I do that? I was accustomed to another lifestyle. I had no background in agriculture.
The following is an excerpt from my journal where I allowed myself to reason with my doubts and fears about taking perhaps the biggest leap of my life.
"
So my fears:
- Selling the home is a hassle
- Losing money
- Losing potential savings
- Moving somewhere new with no immediate support
- Being way out of my comfort zone whether traveling or moving
- Not knowing where I want to end up
My fears if I travel
- Costing too much money
- Planning it out
My fears if I move
- Dipping into savings without necessarily having a job lined up
- Having to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people, network, make new friends
- Dealing with different growing seasons
On the flip side the pros are:
Wwoofing would be a grand adventure, once in a life time. Its an opportunity to overcome my fears and be a Goldmund. Have very few bills, no home and no job would give me the opportunity to really feel free, seek my destiny, and open myself to the truth and genuine experiences. I would be doing something akin to what I wanted to do earlier in my adulthood and backpack the country but was too scared and didn't know how to achieve what I wanted without giving up my comforts.
Moving somewhere new would get me out of my comfort zone. I wouldn't have a mortgage, utility bills, or other related bills to worry about. Cost of living would be less and perhaps I could ease myself financially by living with a friend at least a few weeks if not months while looking for work. I could always move back. Living somewhere new would give me more appreciation for nature, family, friends, my life.
Pushing myself past my fears and into change can have nothing but good effects. It could help me with my confidence, my life challenges and open my mind to new ideas and ways of thinking. There is no right or wrong answer, whether I stay or go. But going has the added benefit of allowing me to change and get out of my comfort zone.
Getting out I think would be a huge relief. The only thing really holding me here besides the garden is money. I got enough experience between the garden and volunteering to have confidence in myself that I could be a farmer, I could make it work.
I don't have the greatest green thumb, but I'm getting better with time and experience. I know there are answers in books that I could learn from. I can find more mentors, more internships, jobs and get the experience I need to start my own farm, if that is my destiny after all. Wwoofing could fill a big gap in my education if I choose the right farms to Wwoof with.
And if I end up deciding farming is not for me, that's an option too. That also would be an opportunity to change. I have really nothing to lose except money. But I can be smart about not spending too much. Spending some of my savings would be OK if I was able to retain enough for a fallback. There will always be money to be made.
Whether I spend a little or all of my savings... is it worth the money? For the experience and the education? To live my life unafraid? To say that I did it and I tried something that most people will never get to say they tried? That seems worth it to me. Was it a rhetorical question all along, and the only thing holding me back from seeing it was my fear and logic?
"
You are amazing. Sometimes it takes a push to get us going in the right direction. :) Sounds like you have your priorities in order. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I'm inspired to get off my duff and do more of the little things that have been nagging at me. :) We need to listen to our hearts. :)
It was nice to have that push. It must have been the universe saying "here you go!"
I believe it's true. :) Keep listening to yourself. Did you actually do any wolfing? I've heard of it and often wondered how it actually worked out.
Yes I have been wwoofing since then... although this last winter it's been more of a work trade for a living space. It's been an amazing experience and I feel like I am "graduated" from what I wanted to get out of wwoofing and ready to start my own homestead. If it wasn't for that goal I'd probably just keep on wwoofing or traveling :P I'll have to make some posts on my experiences wwoofing. But I am so glad I took the leap because it changed my life for the better in so many ways.
I'd like to hear more of your adventures. We have pondered the thought of having a wwoofer, but aren't set up quite yet. I'm glad it is all working out for you.
OK you can count on it :) Most of the many host farms I visited had nothing but good experiences. Only one farm had a few bad seeds. If you vet them and have some agreement on what is expected up front, it should be a win win for everyone!
I think it would too easy to say "just follow your heart" in this situation, but that's what's often said by those who have nothing at stake.
I have had the experience of travelling when I was younger, and I don't regret it. There is surely a lot of fear to overcome, but this is precisely what builds character.
You certainly sound like you are going about this the right way -- and by that I mean the right way is YOUR way. There is no set formula for these things... sometimes the best thing you can do is to just go with your gut, be smart, and if it doesn't work out, you'll have the satisfaction of discovering something new about yourself.
I like the way you put that @pvaillancourtca
Such great, simple advice! It seems there is always something at stake when facing change whether it's money, comfort, security, happiness, the unknown being scary. It's so empowering to step over the fear and choose the unknown for better or worse.
Our fears holds us back.
When I read the words...
My first thought was WOW! Those are the most inspiring words I have read in a LONG time!
Good luck!!! And wishing all the success and happiness you deserve
Thank you @goldendawne! Since then I keep finding new fears to face. Some are easy and fun, others are quite challenging.
Most of the fears we have are merely state of mind, they really do not exit. The main objectives of these fears are to keep us in our comfort zones and prevent us from reaching out to the realm of success. There is awesome!
Those are wise words! The trick for me is staying out of the comfort zone. Its easy to slip back in when I get too comfortable.
That's nice and true . Fear inside is us related with the materialistic things . If we comes out side and help poor and needy people , do our work without feeling any burden fear will vanished by itself . Regards new to steemit need your support and guidance .
This is exactly why I like gardening... it gets me away from the materialism and humbles me to work with nature.
Make your life simple you will be satisfied and peaceful
We never know unless we step out of our comfort zone. Congrats.
hi sage scrub,
thanks for thinking of ecotrain when you tagged.. unfortunately it does cause us confusion as we use this tag just for ecotrain passengers.
if you could use a different tag instead next time would be much appreciated!
thanks a lot, and nice post!
Hi @eco-alex! I am so sorry about that! I just edited this post and removed the ecotrain tag.
Actually I was hoping to be a passenger for ecotrain after discovering it yesterday and I didn't know exactly how that works so I thought I'd try the tag. I also emailed you yesterday about writing for ecotrain.
Anyway sorry for the mixup!
Wow you have expressed exactly how i feel and felt when leaving CO and starting a farm. Thank you for sharing and here is my tiny vote. Resteemed and followed! :D
It's nice to be in good company :) Nice going with your farm!
Thanks for sharing.. I'm fixing to come to this decision soon.. just waiting on a inheritance.. but I'm going to buy a short bus for traveling... following for more adventure..
The short bus adventure sounds exciting! Nice!
What a beautiful journey you are on.....nothing to lose and so much to gain <3 I love that you are taking chances and finding your true self. I wish you peace, strength and wild adventures!!
Thank you for that @karenfoster :) I have gained so much since I wrote this journal entry. It's been amazing, and it seems there's always more work to be done! Thank you for the nice wishes.
You know, nothing ventured nothing gained.
Wonderful post!! It's so true, the pro and cons list!
Glad you jumped, and shared here!!
Thanks @earthmother :)
Never let fear hold you back from what you're subconscious mind is telling you, better to take the leap and fail to never leap at all. We live one life, no one wants to sit on their death bed and think " what if i would have done that " life is all bout risk and having fun and enjoying what you want to do.
Thank you for that @hustleking :) The more I fail, the more failure becomes desirable!
I'm excited for you. I think life is all about taking risks in the directions of our heart. Calculated risks, mind you, but if your heart is pulling in a direction I think we owe it to ourselves to search it out. Security only goes so far, and then we enter into the grand mystery of flowing in the universe as we get on our path. I love the imagery of the photos you shared in this post. My feeling is that you're on a grand and very successful adventure <3 wren
Thank you wren! I do feel that way and am loving this adventure! I don't always feel like I am in the flow of the universe but that makes it so much more appreciated when I do :)
life can indeed be scary ... but think of how BORING it would be otherwise!
thank you for a heartfelt post. i'm swimming through some fear-inducing new waters right now & this feels supportive. like one of those arm-floaties i used to wear as a kid! :)
I am glad we can all be each other's floaties :) I know you'll swim your way through those fears you're facing!
the harder i swim, the sooner i can reach the shore!
Maybe you're swimming in milk and you just make butter and then walk over to the shore :P
😁 i laughed so hard at this! imagine how extra delicious all the seaweed would be, coated in salted butter.
i shouldnt comment before breakfast! LOL
MMM you're making me really crave some buttery seaweed now! haha
Very inspiring post! So are you wwoofing now? Really loving your blog!!!
Thank you! I had been wwoofing for about 1 1/2 years, but now am more or less "graduated" from wwoofing and in transition mode. I am overwintering where I am doing a work trade on a homestead here in exchange for a place to live and garden access. Very soon @idyllwild and I will be moving and looking for a place of our own to start our own permaculture homestead and flower farm! Wwoofing definitely played a big part in our coming to this point in the process :)