Getting It Out
How do I write about something that my brain and heart have not accepted... I have been battling with the idea and I know that writing will help me to accept what has happened but yet I still can't find the words. Still, 5 days have passed and only a small handful of my closest people know what I have been struggling with. And even they don't have a clue to what I have been feeling through it all. I am broken. I have officially shut down and now my health is being affected. I know better! I know I am supposed to pick myself up and wipe off the dust but I keep trying and I keep stumbling. Stumbling with the words, the courage, the ability to move past the most horrific events any farmer can ever face. But I know I have to get it out somehow.
I have many people who follow my YouTube vlog and my Steemit blog that have been wondering and waiting for a more recent update on our goat herd and the situation we have been dealing with. If you are new here and this is the first you have heard please read my other posts to get caught up before diving into the rest of this story.
https://steemit.com/homesteading/@wholesomeroots/another-tragic-loss-but-we-will-get-answers
https://steemit.com/animals/@wholesomeroots/hope-and-fear-trying-to-find-a-way-through-the-storm
So that catches everyone up to Friday morning. Five days ago when things seemed really really bad but I had no idea it could get SO MUCH WORSE!
CAUTION: This may be very hard for some to read. It is very sad and difficult. Do not proceed if you don't want to cry!
5 Days Ago
I was pretty upset that I found two more goats had become sick with the diarrhea that has been plaguing my herd. But I was feeling like I could control it now. After all, Coco had been very sick but after three days of antibiotics was 90% better! She was eating hay and trying to push past me out the barn to escape! So now I knew I had to begin antibiotics immediately and everything would be okay. Right!? Or so I thought...
So I proceeded with everything I had been doing to get the others well and crossed my fingers it would work. One of the goats that became sick was Coco's cousin Rocky. She had bad diarrhea but was alert, active and still eating hay. The other sick one was Sugar, the twin to Spice who we lost at the beginning of July to the same symptoms, but that was before we knew how serious it was. Sugar had the diarrhea and was lethargic and not eating, I was scared. So I continued checking on my three sick goats every hour throughout the day. Giving fluids and herbs and lots of motherly love and scratches. They all appeared to be exactly the same every hour I checked.
Coco, eating hay and doing well the day before.
That is until my 5 o'clock check... Something was very surprisingly different in a very bad way! I looked over the top of the stall and COCO, THE GOAT THAT WAS 90% BETTER was laying in the corner and would not respond to my voice calling her name. My heart sunk and twisted with fear, I went in and approached her, coaxing her gently with my words. I got to her and placed my hand on her shoulder and she began seizing!!??? I was so shocked and distraught and knew this was it, this was the end. How could this be happening!? She was perfectly fine an hour before! I didn't know what to do!? I called my mentor and described what was happening. The seizure stopped and Coco was just wide eyed and bellowing, I couldn't understand what was happening this made no sense! My mentor advised me to get off the phone and video what was happening and maybe it would be a clue. I was shaking as I watched her seize over and over and there was nothing I could do to help her! I recorded the horrible last two minutes of her very ugly death and then a laid my hands on her and asked for her forgiveness and told her how very sorry I was that I couldn't save her! She was gone while I spoke to her and sobbed over her now lifeless body. I just sat there petting her and telling her how much I loved her and how I wished I could save her! There was really nothing I could do.
I got up and went outside and called the Pathologist (who was working on our case and trying to determine a cause of death from the last goat that died) back again for the millionth time this week. I was going to get answers somehow! She said the cultures were still young in the culturing process but it didn't appear that any one bacteria was standing out amongst the others so it wasn't looking like a bacteria had caused this. She had me call the Large Animal Vet at Auburn and I explained everything to her and we talked for an hour investigating every possible cause and scenario. We decided the next action to take would be to bring them one of our sick goats, either tonight or in the morning, to try to discover what was happening.
So Ryan came home and we sat and talked about what we would do. We had a goat to burry, other goats that needed dinner and to go in for the night, chickens that needed to be fed and watered, dinner to be cooked and eaten and two sick little kids. We decided to bring Sugar in first thing in the morning before the bed of the truck got hot, it was the best plan to not stress out her or us too unnecessarily. So Ryan went out to do all the animal chores and the difficult task of burying another of his favorite goats.
Not even five minutes later I see Ryan run past the window coming back to the house!? The front door flew open and he ran in with the most horrible look on his face! THAT LOOK! The one no one ever wants to see. The look that tells you without a doubt that something horrible has happened! I couldn't! I could not believe anything he was about to tell me! I was paralyzed with NO EMOTION at all! I screamed at him, "DON'T! Don't you dare say a word!" I pushed him into our bedroom, away from our two sick boys watching cartoons in the living room, and closed the door behind us. I stood there in shock and disbelief as his face trembled with emotion, afraid to say it himself. I just had one word, "Who?"... I could see by the look in his eyes he didn't want to answer as he replied, "Sugar." Needless to say, there was a lot of emotions happening at this point. I just shook my head, I couldn't believe it, I accused him of lying, that it wasn't true, that it couldn't possibly true! There was no way she could be gone! She had just started having diarrhea a few hours before!? Nothing kills that fast!? Nothing! It just couldn't be true! It couldn't be possible that my sweet Sugar was gone now too! I can't tell you how many times I heard or said "Well, at least we have Sugar still" when we lost her twin sister a month before! This all can not be happening! Maybe I'm stuck in a really really long nightmare and I just can't wake up? I couldn't even cry...
Sugar, smiling over her mother's shoulder as they cuddle the afternoon before.
After trying to reason through this even being possible or true there was a part of me that raised to the surface. The fighter, the survivor, pulled up out of the dark sticky tar that had taken over and pulled my brain up out of it and into reality. I knew we had to go now! We had to take Sugar for a necropsy and Rocky to be treated before she was dead too! I called the vet back and it was a different vet on call but luckily it was the husband of the vet I already talked to so he had a little insight into our situation. He was great, he asked all the right questions and reassured us they would get this figured out. I told Ryan to go back down to the barn and get them both loaded up into the truck. I got the boys ready and rinsed off the tears and we left.
After a quick run through the drive thru for dinner and an hour and a half drive to get there, we finally arrived at one of the best Vet Schools in the country! I felt confident that these vets would help us get the answers we so desperately needed to save our herd from this invisible and deadly threat!
The next several hours were spent investigating every single possible cause and every single scenario. We looked at every angle with open minds. I only got upset once and called the vet ignorant when he insulted my natural ways before he realized that we were in fact as close to parasite free as goats can be! He then changed his tune about herbal dewormers and began praising us for having our parasites under control better than 90% of the goat and sheep farms in the Southeast including themselves! You see, 90% of the cases they see are situations caused by parasites and this was clearly not what they were finding with our goats! This was definitely a mystery to them as well! He said Sugar was the specimen of perfect body condition and sent her off to have a full necropsy performed. He examined Rocky and drew blood etc. He never even took her off the back of our truck. She was acting like an angel and was showing no signs of being sick other than the intestinal issues. He gave her some hay and water as we talked on into the early hours of the morning.
We ruled out everything! He examined all the reports and initial findings. He said that this was something in their environment, something we are not seeing. Something universal to them all and likely in the paddock. He felt like it was something toxic but couldn't confirm that because there were some things that just didn't add up. There didn't appear to be toxic plants or bad food in the stomach or in the pasture. We were approaching a dead end of just guessing they got into something, somewhere, somehow that was causing the diarrhea but why that was killing them so quick was the weird part. He tested Rocky for anemia and dehydration, all good. I asked him again if he wanted to see the video of when Coco died and he said no need but the med student asked if she could for educational reasons. I handed her my phone and continued talking to the doctor...Until...
Image Source: Clipart Panda
The students face dropped as she watched the video and she looked up at the doctor and as soon as she caught his eyes he stopped talking and immediately went to her side and watched the video with her! A look of sudden realization swept over him! I knew immediately this video revealed something new! Something we would not have known if I hadn't walked in the barn when I did. Something we would not have known if my mentor had not told me to film it! "What!? WHAT is it!?", I pleaded as he began pointing out things in the video to the student and she nodded with the excitement of learning something new as only a vet school student would. "Classic toxicity neurological behavior presented in the "seizures" you filmed! We are DEFINITELY dealing with a toxin and likely one that has built up in their system over time like a fungus or mold." We had already discussed mold and fungus, but there were no signs of it on any of their feed and we ruled it out. But as we dug deeper into the conversation and fixated on other possible places they could find it we focused in on the incredibly wet summer we have had here. It has made some very interesting mold and fungus growth everywhere! So whether it came from under their water trough or on the blades of grass affected by a slime mold, it got in them all summer long! Something that almost never happens and might not ever happen again as droughts are common in Georgia during summer months. This is the first summer I have seen this much rain since I moved here 15 years ago. And there was nothing I could have done to prevent it from raining or to keep them from eating a little here and there without us ever even knowing it was there...
Finally, things are starting to make sense! Finally, we have a good idea of what has been happening all this time. We are 99.9% sure that it is a built up toxin and 90% sure it is from a rain induced mold or fungus. Unfortunately, there is no way to test this theory. There is no mold toxicity screening they can do on blood or tissue. There is no culture that they can grow rumen contents with. It is just the best, most educated guess... It is better than what we knew at the beginning of this crazy mess so I'll take it for now.
The good news out of this horrible day is that we finally have some answers. We know our parasite control is better than almost anyone else's. Our herd management has the official seal of approval from the State Vet. Rocky is being sent home with us because we have done everything the vets would have and can continue her care at home where she won't be stressed and we won't be growing this vet bill even higher every day. IT IS NOT CONTAGIOUS! So we don't have to worry about the new kids we are waiting to be born getting sick! It does not affect our milk in any way so we are definitely happy about that! We now know to treat with activated charcoal immediately as it binds with toxins. We are also doing Penicillin in case of secondary infections. So we know how to treat while keeping them hydrated. And best of all, it hasn't rained in a little while now and no new goats are sick! And, five days later and Rocky made a full recovery and rejoined the herd! I can finally breathe a little. We are nervous and watchful but we can't control mother nature!
I have now officially, truly let it all out! In writing this, I sobbed and cried for all we have been through but I finally let it all out, what has been bursting inside of me. I can finally share this information with all of you! I know people will have more questions that I didn't answer here but please be gentle with what you ask. I am very sensitive still and a bit defensive even, understandably! So now my written story is told and I can just read this for my youtube vlog so everyone will know what happened last Friday, that will be very hard to film but I owe it to all the thousands of people that love my goats and want to know.
I hope this is my last depressing piece for a long, long, time! Hopefully, I'll be bragging about new kids next!!!
Thanks for reading through this difficult post!
❤ Rose
Thank you for reading and watching Wholesome Roots!
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In spite of the tragedies and the heartbreaks, because you are so meticulous, I would be looking at this all with the understanding that had you been someone lacking in any area of your farm/stewardship or not having the knowledge and the dedication to look at everything to find the answers it will perhaps save lives. I feel you are a pioneer in animal husbandry for perhaps many others who ever come across this type of issue in the future. (((Hugs))) and even tho we all have a heavy heart for and with you in the end the animals did not die in vain but have become studies for others to perhaps prevent this from happening again as we all adapt to whatever comes at us.
So true! A learning experience in so many ways! It just blows my mind that three different vets considered the best large animal vets in the country and they all were puzzled and intrigued! Makes me feel a tiny bit better
Vets are no different than Drs they Practice because they are not perfect and don't have all the answers.
Thank the good lord. Who would have thought, a hidden mold, and to have it build up over time. We also have had a tremendous amount of rain this summer. Aw good new tonight. Thank you for the smile. Upvoted
Thanks! It's been a rollercoaster!
What a horrible thing to happen! We try so hard to be good stewards for our animals and can't help but get attached. I'm glad you found some answers, but my heart bleeds for your losses.
Thank you. It is truly the worst thing that has ever happened to our farm. I just hope it's over.
Sorry for your losses..
if you have not already, I'd suggest you look up goat polio and listeria symptoms, causes and treatment. Wet environments are key for that bacteria to build up, get ingested and cause havoc on the rumen and lead to neurological problems that most times untreated leads to death. Onset of symptoms happens rapidly. If you already have explored this, please disregard, just trying to help...one goat rancher to another.
These were ruled out but thank you!
wow ...you are very knowledgable....will follow...fellow goat rancher and homesteader as well...good info...especially since we are under water half of the time and dry as a bone the next...:) Florida
Melissa
First let me say that you are probably the most passionate person I know when it comes to your animals, never lat that passion die! Who would have known, We too here in KY have had a lot of rain, our laying hens (raised on pasture) have slowed egg production down to almost nothing, everyone I talk to in the county has the same issue. I wonder if there is a connection???
A blessing and a curse for sure! I hope you figure out the egg situation, maybe just not enough sunshine.
So what are the plans here to try and find/get rid of this mold or whatever is toxic to them? I am glad there's a piece to this long, horrid, drawn out puzzle! Please share pictures of what this mold might be or look like when you figure it out. Good luck!
We have scoured the pasture and everything. No sign of it but the rains let up considerably! So there is no way way to turn off rain so we just have to hope it doesn't happen again.
I hope for you!!
The not knowing is the worst thing, information and knowledge is power. Even if that knowledge is knowing there's nothing you can do, and it's just a freakish thing caused by unusual weather.
Knowing, being informed is so much better than that horrid feeling of having no idea why things are happening.
I hope your herd gets past this and grows into the most well loved and happy goats around. 100% upgoat
Exactly! Thank you so much for the support! I truly appreciate it. This has been a battle!
O.M.G! And you were cheering me up earlier... :) I hope you've finally solved this terrible mystery and have this behind you. Plenty of successes to come for your family, keep on keeping on!
That's because I love you man! Thanks
The best thing is you might have got some answers to what caused this. If and when this happens again you will know hopefully what to do and your friends will be ok. Sorry for the loss as our animals are our best friends on a homestead.
Thanks so much!
So heartbreaking...prayers continuing ...so so sorry! we had a super wet kidding season with our goats two seasons back and i lost two...we were swimming, very little pasture was left....that is rough...mold makes sense though as everything else was ruled out.....so sorry! Happy new kids to come :)
Melissa
Thank you. Moisture is bad for everything! Especially in summer
AWW ...my mom's name was Rose...:) I tried the slack channel but my browser was too old to upgrade :/ Are there any other homestead groups on discord or steemit chat? i have so many of my pictures from my kids ..hope you will post lots of yours. they are so cute!
There is a Homesteading-trail on steemit trail discord. I don't know how busy, let me go see! And I have link above to my Facebook Homesteading on Steemit Group.
thank you ..i just requested to join your facebook group...I seem to fit in this group the very best...:) appreciate your help and looking forward to good news from Rose @wholesomeroots :)
Melissa
I just added you! Feel free to post anything steemit including post
oh thank you! thank you! I will do my most recent!
Rose, I'm broken for you, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. I'm glad they were able to find something out. I am sending you huge huge hugs.
I knew you were really wanting to know, I just haven't been able to talk... hugs!
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My heart is breaking for you, rose. I'm so very sorry for your losses. I'm glad, though, that you are finally getting some answers. Thank you for sharing your story so others can learn from it! It certainly has been an unusual summer in terms of rain and temperatures, even here in northwestern PA where I live.
Thank you. It has been rough!
Oh Rose! I'm so sorry you have been through so much in the past few months. I'm thankful you now have some answers and can't wait to see those precious new babies! Love you girl! Keep on keepin on! You're such a good mama.
Thank you! Longest summer
I'm so sorry this happened to your goats and to you! You did all you could trying to get to the bottom of it and save your babies. Just heart wrenching! Thank you for the update and know you are in our prayers.
Thank you!
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STOPSo sorry that this happened to you and your family. Such passion and much love for your animals, they must have had the best care ever. But it must be so hard to deal with the loss when the relationship is this close.
Hugs❤️
They are really all my babies! I felt so much guilt along the way but knowing what I do now allows me to let go of the guilt, a little...
I'm gobsmacked! I really hope this is over for you now and I'm so grateful you shared this. who'd have thought that filming your poor girl would give a clue like that. The scariest thing is out sounds like there may have been no sure way of them escaping a toxin like this, it really could have been all over your homestead.
Sending love your way and I hope the new arrivals will help you to heal from this.
There really is nothing we can do other than hope we can treat the animals fast. Activated charcoal at first sign of diarrhea. In fact I may give everyone a dose today just to be safe.
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I feel for you. This has been one heck of a trying time for you and your family. I am glad that you finally have answers to some tough questions. Now that you have what the problem it is, you will be able to sort it out for the future. I hope that all the problems are now firmly in the past and that you will have some healthy kids to raise soon.
Thank you!
Sorry you all had to go through this, but glad you learned a tricky new secret to keeping your herd safe.
I doubt many people know about this particular toxin and you'll be able to protect your animals from it easily now. :)
I just finished a 4-day fast and am amazed at the results it has had on me. I wonder if a sick animal should be left without food for a day or two to help it in the same way.
we don't let the sick ones have anything but water and hay, no grain or forage.
You know much much better than I do. It just struck me as a possible option. Sounds like you were doing something along those lines already.
Hey Wholesome,
I can empathize with your situation. That little cashmere goat that I'm holding in my intro-blog died within 2 to 3 weeks of coming to us. We were totally green on caring for goats and we didn't recognize the warning signs until is was too late. It still bothers me and I regret not knowing enough to see that he wasn't well. Our goat paddock was clean, they had the right food and fresh water everyday but yet he died and was basically full of worms and coccidia. The vet told us there was no way that he could have contracted such a large amount of parasites in the short time he had been with us, so it's obvious that he was sick when we bought him.
There's several lessons here I feel - firstly, raising livestock is not for the faint of heart. Secondly, you can't learn too much before taking on the responsibility of caring for animals. In spite of the stereotypical view of goats... how they can eat laundry or a tractor seat, they have sensitive digestive systems.
We now have use portable fencing and rotate their pasture every week or so which serves several needs. It get's them out of their paddock, it saves on feed bigtime and they're happier (quiet).
Hang in there.
Thank you! I am sorry for your loss! It is very important for new goats to be dewormed immediately after transport to your farm. The stress of transport creates a major worm outbreak almost every time. Goats are much more fragile than people think for sure! we use portable fences too!
I am so sorry, my heart breaks with you and your loss. Praying for you , family and herd.
thank you!
...................speechless...........what a tragidy sweet Rose!!! Oh Heavens have mercy!!! Not going to go through all what I feel now to not upset the memory within you....just know that its ok to feel broken for a while....take your time sweet Rose.....Maybe it was God`s will to let the State vet and yall know next time it is a very wet year to not let the goats roam on pasture, to let other goat owners now about the tragic events on yalls farm so more loss and suffering can be prevented in the future...I dont know, there is no reason for this....but we have to take life as it rolls up and down like a ship on the ocean....I worry about you Rose...just a little bit...and I am so glad that new babys are comming to put a smile and a ray of hope back into your eyes and heart...What can I say to make it better....Rose you also love the fauna...the plants of mother earthright!?! Imagine yourself to be like the strong bamboo..steady growing...it can be bend...all the way all the way down to the ground...BUT IT WILL NOT BREAK!!!!! and it will get up again and rise......and Ryan...just cuz you a man...I know you suffered too--yall just hold on to each other ok...I love you guys...Praying for strength and finally peace of mind and spirit and soul God bless yall my friends and thank you for sharing this so personal event in your lives!!!
Oh my sweet friend! your word are so precious to me! Thank you!
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STOPOh no! I'm so sorry to hear about yet another loss. But it feels good to finally have an idea of what caused it. Still, a slime mold... how can you defend against such a thing? At least it hasn't rained in a while, and Rocky is doing better.
Thank you for sharing this experience. I could really feel all the emotions in your words, the blessing inside the curse.
Looking forward to your next posts about the new kids!
I truly can't defend really... just hope the rain holds off till temps go down...
I am sorry to hear that this whole thing happened, but I am glad that you may know what is causing it. It is never easy to loss an animal that has become a part of the family. You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers.
Thank you so much!
Very heart breaking story...😓..really hope it will not happened to you again...upvoted and followed
thank you!
😊
I'm so sorry for this whole journey but so glad you finally have some answers too. Good thing you had filmed it. I've often found that students pick up on so much more because they are open to everything and not stuck in their ways yet, which even the best doctor can sometimes become.
Yes! That vet student may have saved many lives with her curiosity!
Well, you were right. I cried all the way through. I am going to suggest something I couldn't find mentioned. Have you researched using colloidal silver with your goats as it is also antiviral and antifungal? I overheard someone mention that someone else was using it with dairy cows but I don't know in what way. I personally depend on it with my cats and dogs. But that's as much as I can tell you. Sorry.
I'm so sorry you have had to endure this but I totally agree with everything @weetreebonsai said.
Rose!! So sorry to read this!! This must be so hard! How are your children taking the loss? Hope all will be good from here on out!
I am relatively new and came across your post. I am sorry to hear of your losses. I am glad that you found the answer to what was causing your losses. My family and I want goats and we are waiting until the spring so we can prepare to shelter, feed, care and love them. Definitely going to follow you. I hope you have a video of your holistic approach to treating your goats. Every bit of information I can gain will be greatly appreciated! Thank you again for sharing your knowledge!
Kenny