I have slept for 3 more days. Cole called Jane and asked how I was, playing the concerned boyfriend. I heard her on the phone with him today, after school. Jane was so excited he called and she played the perfect Mother. She even asked how he was and said she was so worried I would have passed it to him. I laughed at how well she could play concerned. I bet the whole time she was thinking how good it would be to torture, kill him and his family; going through it step by step. She told me one day sitting opening our presents on Christmas, how she thinks about it and what she would do. She was staring at our neighbors and using them in her example; stopping only to take the perfect family pictures.
The bruising on my face is changing colors and the cuts are scabbing over. Soon I will be able to go back to school and research. It is officially 30 days until the date I will execute my plan. I have to make sure the timing is good and test my pill dose again. This has to go perfectly. I have changed one part of the plan and that is that I will call the police afterward, tell the police operator that I have left evidence explaining why, and then I will kill myself.
I have decided that living this life and killing my parents is only one step. I cannot come out of this hell and be normal. I cannot go on and have a boyfriend, husband, a career, and children. I am so afraid of what I have already become, what if I can’t stop myself from hurting my own children? What if I marry and he finds out what Mark did to me? How can I ever look at him again? How can I adjust to having sex because I want to, instead of being forced? Will I ever be able to enjoy it like the women on the porn tape did? It is just better to end my life at the same time I do theirs. This way it all ends in one night. I thought I would be upset or scared; but I am actually feeling relieved. Living with my parents and what they do has taken its toll, but trying to figure out how to live past them is much worse. I cannot find a rational way through it. All I see is a different kind of hell. I cannot live in hell any longer. I need a heaven. I need peace and happiness. I need to feel safe and unashamed. I believe my heaven is my death.
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