In 1623, England sent a group of settlers over on the Mayflower to live in a new world. These people were fondly known as convicts. The British rejects bravely chose the new land over the guillotine. Once arriving, they built log cabins and invited the Native American Indians over for turkey and a side of cranberry sauce. Because the stuffing wasn't Stovetop, the Indians rebelled by mocking the pilgrims' knickers during a rain dance ceremony. This infuriated and embarrassed the settlers. They plotted to slowly steal the native's country by duping them with a bogus slogan; "Go west young Squatting Bear, go west."
King George was quite content to ship the abundant bread-stealing scum out of their homeland. He rewarded them by implementing taxes on everything. The people angrily stamped their feet. They were taxed for that. (The Stamp Act) This really teed off the subjects, so they threw a party in the Boston Harbor. Things got out of hand; intoxicated men wearing lantern shades on their head began chucking creates of Lipton overboard. Within a few months, Paul Revere was riding through towns yelling, "The British are coming!" while townspeople screamed back, "Shut up, ye ole drunk. I'm sleeping!"
A group of people soon formed a Continental Congress. One of the elite members was George Washington who would often reminisce of picking cherries off a tree in his front yard. "One day, I finally chopped it down so that I could make a set of wooden teeth." Everyone would just roll their eyes knowing old George's mouth was all bark with no bite. Later his wife would become infected as a result of splinters. Ben Franklin, an astute man with brilliant ideas, wasn't taken very seriously. Every time he offered a suggestion he was told to go fly a kite. He did and what he found shocked him. Thomas Jefferson was able to unify the clan by drafting a Declaration of Independence. This basically told King George that they were fed up with his taxes and his attitude. Besides, they were tired of having to wear wigs.
Soon British soldiers were sent to stifle the revolting colonists. They first captured New York City. (Broadway had not been born yet, so we gladly forfeited the Big Apple.) Trenton and Princeton followed. Washington organized a small band of troops and crossed over the Delaware River. There were no taverns open so, cold and pissed off, they attacked the redcoats. After that, Washington treated the troops to a winter vacation at Valley Forge where his soldiers could bask in the snow and nibble on their boots to survive. (Talk about putting your foot in your mouth.)
The American Revolution raged on. Benedict Arnold fought bravely for the States until they named an egg dish after him, then he fought bravely for England. The French soon joined in to lend the "colonist pigs" a helping hand. (We would save their l'asses when the big wars rolled around.) Francis Scott Key, who actually sang off key, composed a song during the battle at Fort McHenry. This was the only time in history that peanuts, popcorn, and ice-cold beer were not yelled at the end of the song.
After the war, by the way we won; the thirteen colonies united and became states. Betsy Ross got into the sherry while knitting her husband Pete a quilt. Upon completion, the damn blanket looked like a flag so she gave it away. Washington was elected the first president and a government was established. We, the people, were happy that corruption could now begin in an organized fashion.
The Louisiana Purchase was obtained from the French for a case of our best Chardonay and three barrels of cheese. In no time, towns became cities and people begin to move into the middle of the country. The stage coach became the main form of transportation. It got an unbelievable twelve miles a day. The coach was vulnerable to Indian attacks, hold-ups, and the fresh smell of horse manure.
In the South, slavery existed on the cotton plantations. This infuriated the North because it was morally wrong and Rhett Butler didn't give a damn. Southerners could no longer tolerate the North's monopoly on industry nor their funny accents like “pak your horse,” so they succeeded from the Union. To save the devastation of the Q tip market the North had to go to war.
The bloodiest battles ever fought were during the Civil War. It was blue against gray, brother against brother, cat against dog and chowder against grits. War ravaged on for four years. The turning point occurred when the Union defeated the Confederates at Gettysburg. It was the greatest battle of the war. (The second greatest fight was when a lowly private tried to pry a booze bottle out of General Grant's hand.) Sherman marched to the sea, burned Atlanta, collected the insurance, then waltzed back. He was later diagnosed as a pyromaniac. Lincoln set the slaves free with the Emancipation Proclamation then celebrated by catching a play. (He had been given mixed reviews about so it was a shot in the dark if he’d like it.) After annihilating the country, we built it back up--actually we reconstructed it with carpet baggers and cheap Irish labor.
The choo choo train linked the East to the West. Rugged individuals left the big cities to start a new life in the Wild West. Many men became ranchers or farmers and would often sing "Oklahoma" show tunes while working in corn fields as high as an elephant's eye. Gun slingers made a living by..., slinging guns. Towns were hopping with gamblers, cowboys, and prostitutes. (Sometimes even prostitutes who dressed like cowboys.)
In the 1890's a man named Willy Oltimer yelled "There's gold in dem dere hills!" Nobody could find "dem dere hills" on the map so they just went West. A mad rush ensued to California. (During the onslaught, Willy was trampled to death.) Miners set up camp in the mountains and panned for nuggets. Jack asses would help haul loads into town where the gold was weighed and purchased. Then the jack asses would squander their money in local saloons. Most importantly, this brought people to the west coast where they could now make a good living as actors and singers while eating Tofu. Back East, folks gathered to hear Barber Shop Quartets sing songs, you know, the gay ones.
By the turn of the century the automobile began to slowly replace the horse. The horse was elated. Roosevelt carried a big stick that he used to beat Teddy Bears with. The Wright Brothers made a successful flight at Kitty Hawk, although Wilbur lost Orville's luggage and two cases of his popcorn.
In 1916 Germany decided to take over the world because Kaiser Wilhem did not like a roll named after him. This provoked us to send dough boys "over there" to straighten out the misuse of baker terminology. Soldiers were sent home with trench foot, trench mouth, and trench coat. After Germany was defeated, and all was quiet on the western front, we said a farewell to arms. The Treaty of Versailles was signed. This basically stated, "Stay in your own damn country and behave yourselves." Twenty years later they would misinterpret this.
After our brave soldiers returned home they were given a party. It was called the "Roarin' Twenties" and it lasted a decade. People drank hooch, danced the Charleston all night, and woke up the next morning in rumble seats. Prohibition was in but people were too drunk to realize what it meant. Elliot Ness had a Capone to pick with the mobsters. (Yes, that's a stretch.) Women wore flappers. Men wore women. And, everyone was worn out. Women were giving voting status so they could get rid of the men. In 1929, the stock market yelled, "The party's over!" then passed out.
Times were tough as The Great Depression occupied the 1930's. People aimlessly walked around mumbling, "Brother, can you spare a dime?" You couldn't even buy time. A penny for your thoughts was out of the question. And, putting your two cents in... forget about it. Even President Roosevelt couldn't afford new tires for his wheelchair. People waited in long lines to purchase a dollar loaf. Back then, that was a lot of bread for... bread, that they dipped into their dust bowl.
Hitler decided the world economy needed a boost so he declared war on Europe. U.S.A. didn't want Hitler's help so we declared war on him. Productions in the States exploded and unemployment was almost as low as the Rosenberg’s. The Fuehrer was also down because our marines landed in Normandy. France gave us three berets and a barrel of cheese for liberated their country. Pearl Harbor was bombed and so were Hoffa's teamsters. The big bomb was invented which we tested on Hiroshima. The make up exam was on Nagasaki. The bomb got an A and the war was over.
The 1950's were considered happy days. You can ask the Fonz. Kids were rebelling and listening to ghastly Rock and Roll music while smoking cigarettes that had no warning labels. The jitterbug was in and their were no exterminators around. Teenage boys were lubing their hair with grease from their '57 Chevy's. They wore leather jackets with gang names on the back like "The Screaming Bedwetters." The girls wore bobby socks and bunny hopped to malt shops. James Dean was a movie star and not yet a sausage. Communist suspects were rounded up and unjustly used as test subjects for Hula Hoops. This was known as "The McCarthy Error." King MacArthur gave the Koreans two countries and a good old fashioned whooping--then returned to the Philippines to get his pipe and sunglasses he left in the jeep.
JFK was elected and Marilyn Monroe jumped out of his birthday cake and right into his bed. Cuba threatened to send nuclear cigars over if we continued to make fun a Fidel's beard. Young men laid down their lives for a country no one knew existed--not even the Vietnamese. Thousands protested the war and the fact that Tiny Tim was allowed on TV. Civil rights were passed out and so was Timothy Leary. The beehive progressed to headbands and beads. The Beatles invaded America while the long-haired hippies invaded drug stores. Everything cost more than sex, because sex was free. People were so strung out that they often forgot were the put their LSD. Car companies, like Charlie Manson, were making a killing. This was certainly the age of Aquarius--whatever that means.
During the 70's, everyone was into doing their own thing--together in groups with one another. Nixon was in office during the day and at night he was in hotel rooms. After his impeachment, it became Watergate under the bridge. (What’s another stretch?) Disco music somehow made it big. People twirled on dance floors while flashing lights reflected off their stiff polyester attire and their powdered noses. Talk about hitting bell bottom. (Many soldiers after seeing this demise of the country wanted to return back to Vietnam.) Jimmy Carter littered the White House floors with peanut shells while his brother passed out six packs before passing out himself. And, it wasn't unusual to hear truckers on a CB radio say, "Rubber ducky, can you get me out of this decade?"
One of the most popular politicians stepped into the Oval Office in 1980. Finally, we had a professional actor in the White House. He was shot and took one for the Gipper… again. (The assassin was a man who was insanely in love with a Foster child.) Reagan was nursed back to health by chomping on a bag of jelly beans. Soon he was strong enough to invade the powerhouse country of Grenada and suppress their three troops from threatening our homeland. Ronnie told Gorbachev to tear down the ugly, graffiti marked wall or he would smack the ink blot stain off his forehead. The cold war was over and people were warming up to Punk rockers pierced their noses while their music pierced our ears. They slam danced in the street while rubbing belly button rings with each other. Nobody cared. The economy was good.
The nineties gave everyone a website. You no longer had to go out and meet sleazy women in bars; you could now save money and do it on the computer. With internet dating you could be anyone you wanted. Grunge music was bigger than Ross Perot’s ears and we had a president, Bubba Clinton, who liked a little sax and loved a lot of sex. He was impeached. A stained dress stained his legacy. He not only fought in Kosovo but in the Oval office with Hillary. Kosovo was the easier battle.
Another Bush was voted into office. He moved into the presidential house while everybody else bought a second and third house. Whatever people didn't have they slapped on their Visa. Credit cards were purchased by other credit cards. Wall Street was paved with riches but nobody noticed the potholes. Gas went to four bucks then our stocks went to two bucks. The market crashed like a plane into the Twin Towers. We learned that, maybe, we were too free with our freedom and that not everybody likes us -- even though we're a good country. We buckled down and banned bringing shampoo on airplanes.
The United States has come along way as it continues to make history in the 21st century. We have been through almost everything from muskets to Tickle Me Elmo. People have the right to speak, pray, and even watch “Oprah.” Well, sometimes you have to take the good with the bad. “Hey America! You go girl!”
Well described
@funnydawg