Hello All,
I have been away from the blogging world for long. I am here today just to share a depressing day. If you have not had a good day so far, don't read any further. This post is going to be nothing but negativity.
I had a descent day till the afternoon. But in the afternoon I had a 2 hours wait at a Doctor's clinic. I decided not to use the phone and just be with myself. During those 2 hours I did a quick scan of where my life is headed in general. I used to do this very often before mobile internet became cheap. I realized that I have been stuck for a long duration of 5 odd years. My life had not achieved any significant life milestones. I made up my mind that we need to act in order to break the loop. Life in the past 5 years could have been different but not making decisions probably kept me where I was. Playing safe, trying to balance everything was ruining it. A determined me started off with striking a conversation with wifey. We had to go somewhere. But she denied. Questioning if we should really do it, what if we did something else, what if we just continue things the way they are. Damn. It felt like a complete mindfcuk.
A disturbed me expressed discontent. It was just a 1 hour thing. Even if we would have decided otherwise, it would have just cost us 1 hour of time. But the rebel in her did not subside. She said words which disturbed me more. It felt like a brain fog. I tried sleeping, even played soothing music. The phone battery died playing the music, but it did not clear my mind. I got dressed, left the dead phone on the side table and just left. No vehicle, no phone, no company. I just left. Did not know where to go, what to do. I kept walking towards the bus stop.
While waiting for the city bus, I noticed the temple in our locality. It had been a landmark of our area. But I had never been inside. I searched the entry gate and got in. There were old ladies chanting prayers. There were musical instruments being played. It felt nice. I sat there for a while. A lady handed me a pamphlet which talked about meditation. It said meditation is about concentrating on your breath and control over your thoughts. The message did make a good rhyme in the local language. I observed people coming in and going out. Life felt simple when I saw what old age is going to do to us. The daily hustle that we have tied ourselves into did not feel worth. Then I started thinking about the root cause of my daily hustle. Did I really need to struggle so much to survive ? Absolutely no.
I came out and started walking towards the bus stop again. While I was crossing the road I noticed that the city bus came and was about to leave. A normal me would have thought fast and immediately ran to get on the bus. But I decided otherwise. This is the exact stress that I have to get away from. Then why chase something. I stood blank in the middle of the road and decided to walk. I had decided to visit another temple. The temple was a 20 minute walk. On my way I decided that I will not notice the wrong happenings. People jumping traffic lights, people driving from the wrong side etc. I was walking and it should not matter to me. While walking I noticed a lady who was struggling to get her scooter out of her parking spot. I offered her help and she accepted it. It felt nice. Then I reached the traffic signal where I helped an old women cross the road. In normal days I hardly have a minute to offer help. But today was different.
I had reached the temple, but the walk gave me enough time to think. The daily hustle that I have gotten into, is it for me ? Not really. I have been working my arse off not to afford some luxury for myself. Observing the people working on the roads I realized that I was better placed than many of them. I am blessed by having all working limbs, a sound brain, good education, ability to speak, hear and what not. So it felt like an obligation to use all this to work for others. Imagine that the bright minds or freedom fighters did not make sacrifices. Mankind would not have developed. This resonated with my hustle. I was working hard so that my wife would enjoy the life she enjoys today, to be able to do something for the maternal uncle who seems to have lost in life, to be able to give a better life to my parents who seemed to had made peace with whatever they had, to leave ample for the kids so that they don't have to struggle. God hasn't trusted me with any kids yet, so he has kept me without a child so far. But if he does, I have to be prepared. Selfless hard work, but still unappreciated. Everyone thinks I am stingy, greedy and unsatisfied.
The second temple also seemed to be pleasant. It was a nice evening. Happy faces all around. I noticed a group of females was making decorations at the temple. I sat there watching them do it with dedication. It felt like they had a passion for art. Over the years I had been so middle class that the only passion I have left is to earn money. Inflation, taxes and uncertainty isn't allowing me to settle. And the unfortunate part is that my wife doesn't give a damn about any of it. So even more important for me to plan wisely. If I let my guard down today I am sure I will be struggling in just 5 years. And once you are financially weak, other problems tend to just pound at you.
I sat in the temple peacefully. I noticed a kid left her cotton candy on the floor in a plastic half open. People were so busy coming in and going out, they stepped on it, saw it and still continued to walk. I gathered all the pieces, wrapped it in the same plastic and threw it in a dustbin. Again felt nice.
I walked out in the garden around the temple. I had fond memories of playing in that same garden as a kid. A kid free of responsibilities, stress and anxiety. Those were golden days indeed. Fast forward to present, It was hard to not notice that the benches in the garden were full of people. Not talking to each other but immersed in their phones, totally unaware of their surroundings. What has technology done to us. Those 30 second reels are squeezing out the patience out of us. It is one important factor contributing to the impatient rage people have developed. They are making our attention span smaller and smaller. I too am guilty of watching them, but atleast with a realization of the damage they do. Back in Zen mode, I noticed the sky, the stars, the breeze, the smog. It was too long since I had so much time with myself. Thanks to the dead phone battery.
I walked into a restaurant, all alone. No vehicle, no phone, no family. But the captain welcomed me as usual. I ordered food, I ate the food. The waiter for some reason was being nice to me. He probably felt sympathy for me being alone. He was surprised when I called for the bill just after the starters. He hurriedly ran in the kitchen and brought me a dessert. It was complimentary he said. This act of kindness by him revived a lot of positivity in me. I felt that humanity still exists, its just that everyone has a mask on. A mask showing that I am strong and tough. Because there is no place for the weak and the kind ones in today's world. You will see humans only if you sit back and observe people as a third person. When dealing with them in a busy day, you will always see monsters in them.
As I walked back towards home, I met the watchmen of my society. He was 2 blocks away from my society. He said I work here also. I have been polite to all watchmen because I knew it wasn't an easy job. No one would do that unless it was for survival. He asked me if I had dinner and it reminded me of the parcel I had taken from the restaurant. Indian restaurants for some reason have serving sizes assuming that you will not be eating it alone. I had to pack half of the food I ordered. Since it was fresh I offered him the food. He happily accepted it. Felt like another good selfless deed.
The walk did help me clear my mind and get rid of the frustration. I entered my house as a totally different individual compared to when I had left. I wanted to find myself who was lost in facilitating others needs. A previously
determined confident, individual who has become indecisive in the attempt to keep everyone involved and happy. Funny part is no one gave a damn about my absence. Unannounced absence of 3 hours, without phone and vehicle but no one bothered. In a way it is good. Today I wasn't weak enough so I returned, but some day when I am weak enough and decide not to return, it is good to know that it won't impact anyone. (Pun intended)
O man...seems you started to understand life in better way. I have been to such situation many a times and only alternative I find is to walk away...mostly go out on a solo trip. I think in your case the time spent at the temple did the trick and finding joy in little things in life that many people ignore....wish I could give a hug!....manhood is challenging and the materialistic world has made it more complicated.....Chin up dear and smile.
Thanks for the kind words. Going on a solo trip is also a nice way.
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