me, myself and I

Whoever said crime doesn’t pay indulged in the wrong criminal activities. I wouldn’t call myself a criminal of the common variety by any means. I would describe myself as among other things a herald of prohibited articles. I get certain types of property from A to B or F if needed, it all depends on the client. There is no university course where you learn the skills of my profession and you can’t find it on a website. I got into the game over a cocktail.
I’m not going to tire you with my life story. The first 20 years bores even me to think about them. Who the fuck wants to hear about my first steps and my first sexual endeavours. I’m going to enthral you with my escapades over the last decade. I’ve been involved in all the usual suspects: sex, drugs, booze, double crosses, cigarettes, women, money, lost love and some of the unexpected like diamonds, government black ops, gold bullion, plutonium, arms, globe hopping and misplaced priceless artefacts. The life I lived would make the Pope want to be a bad boy.
I have gained a reputation with a certain type of clientèle. Thanks to them I made a lot of money and travelled around the world too many times to count. I’ve met some of the most colourful but deranged people on the planet. There have been some complete scum bags and I’ve made a few enemies along the way but it comes with the territory. There’s been one constant pain in my ass for the last ten years. I just can’t seem to get rid of her. The lovely Interpol agent seems to have a hard on for me. With the amount of shit I’ve seen and done I should come with a public health warning. It is highly possible you might hate me by the end of the book or half way through, but you could love me unquestionably. I’m Marmite that way. It’s been my life and my choices whether good or highly questionable.
I’m on unexpected sabbatical at present. An unforeseen circumstance has given me more than enough time to write this little novel that you’ve graciously bought or downloaded illegally.
I’m now spending my time learning about my fellow man in a place with great lake views, gently sloping hills and plenty of fresh air. The only draw backs about my new dwelling would be the sixteen foot fences with razor sharp barbed wire and the foul tempered federal guards. If you haven’t guessed, I’m the guest of a certain federal system for the next couple of years, I won’t say which, but it is one of the better ones, this place has a roof and I get three square meals a day and cable T.V.
I should be out in time for a book tour, granted I won’t be able to visit some countries but I’ll do the best I can. The way I look at it, life is for living we only have a short time on this little gaseous rock so you should try to be varied as possible. I’ve had experiences most people only read about in books or see in movies. Hunter S. Thompson said it best: Who’d want to leave a perfectly preserved corpse when they go? I want to look back on my life and slide into the coffin sideways shouting
“What a fucking ride”.
For all you aspiring criminal masterminds out there Ill give you one piece of advice: Understand the consequences of your actions.
I got caught, was it worth it you ask or would I do it all again.
You decide