Reflections of a Lost Soul

I decided to join steemit to be able to share my experiences and lessons and help others along the way. I would love to receive comments and feedback. What I am about to post is something that has kept me up for many nights and I finally want to share it with the world. I have used the introduceyourself tag because this is truly my first real post. I hope it is steemit worthy. I would provide pictures but perhaps the other half of the party would rather not have her picture next to a post of this caliber. It's a rather long post so thank you for your time!

I am about to let you in on the personal trials and tribulations of a man who has lost his way. Consider this an open diary if you will, one that has had the lock torn from the cover the way I tore the heart from the one whom I love with all of my heart. Her name is not of importance, the significant matter is that I finally, after thirty years of searching, found the woman of my dreams. It is true what they say that you truly do find love in unexpected places and unexpected times. The 12th day of October I met a woman with a smile that could instantly melt your heart, and fifteen days later I became the happiest man alive when she accepted my proposal to be my wife. Call it rushed, call it being young and foolish, but for the first time in my life I found something, someone, whom I knew I could spend an eternity with.

I was happier than I ever thought possible.

The story begins like a Disney movie in the making, a newfound chapter in my life that I could never regret and could have nothing other than a fairy tale conclusion. Of course what story is without bumps and mishaps, but I’m only going to focus on the matter which has made me relive my actions in my mind daily for almost a year. There was one thing my wife and I told each other that no matter what we go through and no matter what happens we will both agree on one thing. While we are under the vows of our marriage we will remain faithful throughout any circumstances. I single handedly abolished the most sacred vow of marriage, I slept with another woman. You might be thinking why would I want to make such knowledge known and why I would write it in public for all to see, but the cold-hearted truth is, I am now empty inside and I have ruined the bond which I cherished more than my own life. But how can I possibly say that I cherished something that I so easily ruined two months into our marriage. How can I possibly say that I didn’t put the needs of my own before the needs of my family. And that brings me to the next matter, my wife was pregnant with our future daughter and I so selfishly acted upon my own desires. But it doesn’t end there, do you want to know what really puts the icing on the cake? The way that I was brought to be uncovered as the scum that I am was one that truly warranted the wrath of a woman. Upon a routine pregnancy check-up, my wife discovered that she had an STD. Being the coward that I was, I denied it like there was no tomorrow. I swore up and down and made up every excuse in the book. It was clearly something she did I countered. Who have you been sleeping with? What have you been doing behind my back? It’s so easy to try to shift the blame on someone when you know you are the culprit, when you aren’t man enough to accept responsibility for your actions.

Words could not describe how much I hated myself.

Time went on and I was still in denial. The nights were lonely and full of hate for what I had done to the person who I insisted to be my soul mate. The days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months without a word being directed in either direction. I sat in my own misery and self-pity of something that I had brought to fruition. I had nobody to blame but myself and I acted like I was owed something for all the things I had did for her and all the times I had taken care of her. Nothing was owed to me but the same thing that was offered to her, abandonment. There finally was a message received and I somehow expected her to miss me or be forgiven. Nothing of that sort was offered and equally not deserved. I couldn’t bare the guilt of what I had done any longer, so I said I have something to say and I would like to meet to reveal it in person. I drove the longest twenty miles I have ever driven. Thoughts flashing through my mind of what am I going to say and how am I going to make this easier on myself. Even then I was thinking about how to save my own ass and not the pain I had endured on my wife. As I arrived to the destination I parked and nervously waited. I made up some bullshit story about randomly meeting someone in a Wal-Mart and it was a spur of the moment thing. Of course she recorded it and I am sure she has the evidence in very safe keeping. I got a few deserved swift punches to the face and then watched as she walked out of my life. But just when you think someone couldn’t get any lower do you know what I said to her on the way home? I said everything I said was a lie and I only said it because that’s what you wanted to hear. Thinking back about it now I want to punch myself a few more times. I eventually got over my attempt to cover my own ass and was forthcoming about the truth. I met someone I had talked to a while back and one thing led to another and I cheated on her.

I questioned my purpose of existence at this point.

So that seems like it should be the end of my story and I should still be rejected from any form of cooperation on her end. Somehow she found it in her heart to start talking to me again, to give me another chance to show her that I am the man that she married and I can be the man she looked to build a future with. Now by no means am I going to say we continued the blissful life that we had when we first met. Did I mention hell hath no fury like a woman’s fury? Well it’s an understatement to the highest degree. I was finally finding out the side of my wife friends and family of hers warned me about from the beginning. I always said no she’s not like that with me, she’s such an angel. Like I said I was living a dream before and now I have been rudely awakened. Details and such are not relevant to my part of the story because the fact is I brought it onto myself and there must me some kind of retaliation for my actions. I often find myself in tears before I go to bed, tears from thinking that my wife truly does not love me anymore because she could not possibly love me if she treats me this way. The reality is, how could I possibly love my wife if I treated her the way I did. Deep down on the inside she is a child who just wants to be loved and wants someone to show her the love that she has been missing. It has been about ten months and I have been going through very much of the same dismay from the moment we began speaking again. But I will tell you this, I will spend my whole life dealing with whatever is thrown my way, and I will be here for her with the least amount of reprisal to her recovery that I can possibly offer, because even if I spend my whole life enduring this, that one day that I finally get my wife back into my arms the way we were meant to be will truly be the ending of a lifetime.

All things happen for a reason and only time will tell if I sincerely can make use of my lessons learned to provide a better future for my family and myself.