Hello @aboutcoolscience nice to meet you. I'm also here to learn to write better. Recently I learned a trick in copy writing. To get reader's retention, we should not use large paragraphs; instead we should break them up to smaller chunks so it is easier on the reader's eyes.
Honestly, your first paragraph was too long and I got lost in it after several sentences so I skipped to your last two paragraphs which were much shorter.
If most readers are like me, then the master copy writer "Gary Halbert" was right.