Fear kept me silent about my sex change in the past. Vanquishing the shame meant looking at what’s underneath.
I used to watch the movie Labyrinth from time to time when I was growing up. Jennifer Connelly plays a teenage girl who, in exasperation, wishes her baby brother away to another world, the Labyrinth, only to learn that she must undergo trials and tribulations to get him back from the Goblin King, a sort of dictatorial sorcerer played by David Bowie. At the end — spoiler alert! — the Labyrinth world shatters like glass upon a line Jennifer Connelly says to David Bowie: “You have no power over me.”
Secrets weaken their keeper. They wear down hopes and dreams with the weight of guilt.
At first my secret was being in the wrong body. The torment drove me to risk surgery, in the faith that things would get better afterward.
Then it was being in the right body, but — dare I say it — in the wrong time in history. Too few men seemed comfortable enough in themselves to get to know me, and it was especially so in the beginning. Or maybe it’s that I wasn’t able to help them feel comfortable? Years passed as I tried to find the softest and easiest words with which to explain myself to others — until finally I gave up and resorted to simplicity, if not bluntness.
And then there are memories of times past, when the ignominy of everything being all messed up distorted my perception of the world. I lost the capacity to see myself as loveable anymore — until I endeavored to stop blaming others and face reality.
All the while it has been meeting rejection and prejudice with a smile that seeks to conceal my heartbreak. Of course the heart grows back, and so it has for me, but not before I ran out of hope.
So what?
Openness matters, particularly now that media coverage of transgender people is molded by guidelines that suppress questions about sex-change surgery, as if it is something to be ashamed of.
It is not. Nor are the questions that people have.
Considering the mercuriality of transgender terminology these days, who can blame anyone for asking what they want to know, beginning with what the terms mean? The more inclusive a definition becomes, the less definite it is. The word “transgender” has come to embrace a spectrum of genders and identities. It can mean just about anything.
In promoting universality, however, such inclusiveness also threatens to swallow the very individuality that gave rise to the discussion in the first place.
For me, the question has become: With my sex-change surgery in the past, am I even transgender anymore?
I can imagine few experiences more bizarre than feeling marginalized out of the very marginalized group of which I am supposed to be a member.
On the one hand, I must be: “Transgender” is meant to embrace people like me, whose histories include travel between the sexes. On the other, do I still fit into this concept now that the past is the past and I am who I am today?
All I know for sure is there has been a change in me that can never be undone. I no longer have a choice. I cannot stand up as anyone other than who I am, ever again. I am I.
Yet there will always be an option. My dad is fond of reminding me: “The mind is its own place and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”
So too with being transgender, for me. There is hell in dealing with the rejection and prejudice, which are based on how things were, when they are different now. But there is heaven in the experience as well: Surpassing obstacles makes being alive all the more precious — even if the process amounts to no more than just getting over myself.
Socrates, choosing death instead of exile from Athens or holding his tongue in silence, observed that an unexamined life is not worth living. In that spirit I choose to remove layers of me to explore what’s underneath: the dream that one day being transgender will mean enough to make no matter.
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I am a lawyer and writer exploring our future on the Blockchain. This piece is my introduceyourself post [trying again!] here on Steemit.
You can check out my books here. Thank you for your support!
ReSteemed. More trans users is awesome. This was a really touching blog to read and I'll give you a follow too!
Thank you! Very much appreciated.
Welcome from a new member myself. In my short stay here so far (just one week!) I've found that you are valued here for your creativity and the content you share in the spirit of helping us all grow on a non-discriminatory forum. Free speech is your Constitutional right. Feel free to exercise it, and let those who listen benefit.
What a powerful message - thank you. I am still getting the lay of the land and hope you're right!
You're welcome. Just found this quote you might like:
“Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid.” ― Frederick Buechner
That's beautiful.
Hope it made your day a little brighter! :)
I appreciate this post so much. I am not transgender, but I think I know exactly how you feel. I am almost 21 years old and it wasn't until I was 19 that I "came out" and publicly said I do not believe in God. I was bullied so much throughout school and lectured from family and family friends and I had so much anxiety and fear about being honest that I kept it a secret for years and it was making me sick. I am from East Texas where everyone...and I mean EVERYONE is a devout Christian. I couldn't lie about who I am anymore. I have told my boyfriend since then that I thought I knew what it feels like for a homosexual to "come out of the closet"...so thank you for sharing this. And welcome!
This response is exactly why I share my personal experience - and I am so glad you shared yours in kind. I think I can imagine how you feel. I do know what it can feel like to be considered an outsider, and to be alone among groups. I used to get sad about it a lot - now less so - I'm not sure if that's because I'm stronger at this point or if my heart has hardened, or maybe a combination of the two. All I know for sure is that making this type of connection with another human being somehow lightens the load and makes it all worth it over and over.
@zoedolan Welcome to SteemIt. Earlier in life, I went through a period of seriously questioning my own sexual orientation. It was an extremely difficult period of time for me. I understand how a long duration of time, under distress, will eventually lead you to the point where you just don't care anymore about other people's opinions on the subject - because you reach the point of understanding that some people will accept you right away, some will take their time, and others never will. Whatever the situation, I've determined that the importance of sexuality wanes in people's lives as they age - and that's a blessing, IMO. Now, I say, "Whatever." It's not an issue that should make much difference in my daily interactions with people. In my own case, it became clear that I was straight. But, today I had a lesbian friend at work telling me that, "Today was the big day." She was going to, "Pop the question" with her girlfriend of 8 years. The thing that surprised me was my response: instead of feeling disturbed or awkward about the conversation, I just said, "Well, good luck." And, I meant it.
I can certainly relate and agree that the importance does wane in some respects. In over ways - like remaining single - maybe it becomes more pronounced. I guess we all have our life paths. Thank you!
Welcome to Steemit!
I'm really happy to see there is starting to be a bit more of an influx of trans users. While I've seen a handful over the last year on here...we've definitely been a somewhat under represented group. I think you'll find the community here extremely respectful...most being super supportive!
I hope you enjoy the site! :D
Thank you for the warm welcome and for your support! Your journey post was among the first I saw! I am still very much getting the lay of the land here. So glad you found my post and commented.
Absolutely! If you have any questions about Steemit, feel free to ask. There's so many little intricacies that you find as time goes on.
That's awesome you saw my post! It feels like forever ago that I wrote that. I will flat out admit I can't imagine putting that out there anywhere else than here at the time....even though I doubt it'd bother me as much now.
I watched your video in full...soooo moving and powerful! I also went down the rabbit hole to see your Huffington Post and Medium articles as well as the list of books on Amazon. Very impressive! Admittedly, I couldn't go much but scan those right now with it being waaaaay past when I should be asleep. I've gotta make sure I'm up in time for the @steemittalk podcast tomorrow...stoked to have the CMO for Viva Coin Project joining us.
But I'll get read up on your works once I get some sleep.
BTW...I resteemed (our version of re-blogging) this post to try and get you a little more attention on it. Again..welcome and I'm stoked you joined the site! :D
Thank you so much! I've worked very hard on my writing over the past few years, and I look forward to posting what I feel are some of the highlights here on Steemit as time goes on. I do believe that art and expression should be sustainable, so I hope this experiment works out! Thank you again for your support. XOZ
I hope you've been doing well!
I'm always down to chat if you ever want to just shoot the shit, ask questions or whatever.
This is the link to the discord I'm usually in: https://discord.gg/u26fghN
I'd love to chat! Very busy week so far - haven't had as much opportunity as I might like to get to know the forum better.
It's definitely no rush...the offer will stand for when it's a good time. :)
We can also always bring you on as a guest on the podcast if you'd like...try to get you a bit more exposure on here.
@pharesim - thank you for your support!
I'd love to chat! Very busy week so far - haven't had as much opportunity as I might like to get to know the forum better.
First off congrats on joining steemit, and you are 100% entitled to do as you please. I have no problem with you being "trans", however your argument has so many flaws...
Does it mean I can self identify as an assault helicopter and therefore have the right to reign terror down upon the Earth and force everyone to support my identity choice because I am "transgender" and as you said can mean just about anything? Should I lobby to get a landing pad installed next to the handicap spots so I and the other self identifying "assault helos" can land properly?
Yes, it has incorporated a massive number of completely ludicrous identity crises that are 100% not supported by science. There is not 40 flavors of genders to choose from, there are 2. Will always be two and they are based on chromosomes not what someone chooses based 1 of a ridiculous number of "genders". These are not genders they are identity choices, and I am not taking part in these identity choices. Nor should these ridiculous non scientific gender choices be forced on the rest of society through social Marxism.
That all being said, I don't care what you choose to do. Just don't try to tell others there are a "spectrum of genders" when there is only 2. You have 0 science to back up any other gender. It's called reality welcome back to it.
I guarantee this comment will be flagged for no good reason.
I actually agree with you about genders - please follow my work and you will see - but the helicopter analogy is a bit ludicrous, you must admit. I suspect that if you met me in person you would consider it absurd that I was born in a male body - most men I've asked do. Watch my video and see if you can't find it in your heart to empathize.
Yes, it is a bit lulzy, I will grant you that.
I did watch your film. I don't have a problem with your lifestyle choice, I was merely pointing out a common flaw in this argument about genders. I do think you should have all the same legal rights as anyone else, and you have every right to do whatever you want with your own body. Glad that we can discuss this type of thing because in the past these arguments have lead to heated name calling and things of that nature. Dialogue is always best.
Peace.
I very much respect your position and appreciate you taking the time to read my post and discuss your perspective with me!
es wow tu historia wow
soy trans igual
Entonces beinvenidos a tu tam bien!
Welcome to steemit.
I also recently joined steemit. It is really fun and people super nice.
I made a recent post in photography competition. please vote and follow if you like.
https://steemit.com/steemitphotochallenge/@sunildkavuri/awe-inspiring-uluru-steemitphotochallenge-41-landscapes
Great post and I am sure took courage to write. I would not even pretend to say I understand what you must be going through and have gone through. But today is a new day and the past is the past and it's time to look ahead and plan for the day!
I recently had a guy tell me a great quote. "Hope Is Not A Plan"! On its face value it doesn't seem like much but, it is a very deep quote. So many of us use Hope as a plan to get through life such as "I hope I get that new job" or "I hope someday to travel the world". These are just dreams and nothing more unless you take hope and actually turn it into a plan and move forward with it.
So in short I have stopped using the word "hope" and now I use the words like "I need to make this happen" or "take the bull by the horns and get this done asap".
Sorry I was on a rant there! Lol
Anyways I enjoyed this post and look forward to reading the rest of your entries. Take care
@digestingreality
Great post , welcome! If you consider yourself a soul having a human experience , suddently gender does not matter anymore . From this point of view you are genderless , you are simply awareness observing everything else . Good Luck ;)
Thank you!
Welcome to Steemit!
Thank you!
Welcome to the community! Follow me at https://steemit.com/@bitgeek
Thank you very much!
Just be who you are. Resteemed.
Thank you!
Very expressive - real. Thanks for sharing yourself and welcome!
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Welcome to Steemit. I watched your video and found it quite moving. I look forward to reading some of your articles already published, and those to come. 😀
Thank you! I'm looking forward to posting them here on Steem. I appreciate your support very much. Zoe
welcome
Thank you!
i think your on the right track of accepting who you are,you can't go back,but you will always be you,don't let that be taken from you,i think its good that you have accepted peoples awkward feelings towards you ,after all they have not been in your situation ,at least you don't shove your feelings down there throat,the more you accept them the more they will accept you,of course there will always be cruel people,you just have to ignore these people.your going in the right direction and coping well.
I agree with your ideas and really appreciate your comment!
Welcome to Steemit. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I can imagine it is not easy.
Bienvenida! admirable tu valentía. Gracias por compartir tu historia.
Gracias por leer y escribir!
A big warm Steemit welcome goes out to you Zoe. Upvoted and Followed. :-)
Thank you!
You're welcome Zoe. :-)