I probably should have done this post before the others, but I think it follows my unique pattern of unorthodox behavior.
I'll be fairly blunt, up front, and honest as I can be without revealing too many personally identifying details.
I was hospitalized in the spring of 2018, due to a neurological condition that I am still trying to get answers for. Since then, I have fallen into crushing depression and suicidal ideation, stemming from PTSD and what mostly resembles schizophrenia. I don't have a diagnosis for schizophrenia, but have been learning to overcome PTSD since 2007. I have exceptionally high spatial intelligence and am significantly above average in most other measures of intelligence. Like most humans, I am very good at pattern recognition, though I believe myself to be better than most others; this, unfortunately, tends to lead to what many would consider false positives (there's a wonderful study I read about Bayesian flaws that I'm struggling to find at this moment).
There is a sense I get that too much is going on in my mind all at once, and I experience, or at least can identify easily and readily, significant and intense moments of synchronicity. These moments tend to cause paranoia in me, though I have had beautiful, visceral, almost divine experiences where everything seems to be in perfect alignment with the world around me. I have many theories about why this may be, ranging from the mundane to the deeply philosophical, from hermetic and gnostic to the intricate complexity of quantum physics, and sometimes both at once.
Sometimes, it all feels too simple, like all of the answers to everything I've ever wanted to know have been right in front of me, like the experience of looking for a particular item in a refrigerator and not seeing it on the shelf, and other times, it feels massively overcomplicated but attainable, just out of grasp, like Tantalus and the ever-receding water.
Most of what I share here will be poetry and prose; I don't claim to be good at either, but I enjoy them, and writing allows me to make better sense of my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions about the reality and world I inhabit, as well as assist in the process of recovering from the trauma of my past.
I am heavily influenced by Lewis Carroll's works, Pink Floyd's music, and Ridley Scott's cinematography, though I enjoy a wide breadth of different methods of storytelling. I'm also terrible at chess, but enjoy the game as a method of creating poetry, music, and stories.
Thank you for reading what I've written, I struggle with trust and paranoia, and every view of my writing helps me feel a little less cosmically alone, and helps me face a world I sometimes fear doesn't want me to inhabit it.
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