To celebrate personal growth I looked at old video diaries from this time last year. The hardest part watching was loving that old shell of myself who was unknowingly burying, denying, swallowing down so much pain. I thought I was relaxed, but I was just so high in front of the camera, masking my real insecurities and dampening my fire. It all felt very shallow and narcissistic.
I’m doing the same thing now, smoking a bowl before even watching the videos, softening the blow of the undeniable blind spots and potholes I couldn’t see until I fell right into them. My mind grinding around the wrong things, smoking frustration. All I needed was space and time to love myself and I didn’t know it was an option to ask for it. Silly how profound life can be. I became a woman this year.
Lately I’ve been doing morning pages. One page of continuous blurts to get the unconscious out of the way. It’s intresting to see what comes out. Most of it is self-motivation jargon with nature imagery scattered throughout.
Here’s a blip:
“ ... I feel like I’m on the right path in my life finally and it’s just a matter of time before I find myself in the midst of it. There are rivers everywhere and they all lead to the ocean. My depth isn’t measured in the streams near roads, but in silent forests undisturbed by human hands. There’s a gentle force behind the flow, one that I don’t dare get in the way of. She’s purple and infinite and very beautiful. Colorful fish swim through her and animals bathe in her. Some die there while other are born in her trenches. We can’t fathom the end picture of humanity because it’s so beyond our understanding, but somehow the earth knows our eventual destruction and rebirth. She knows when we think we’re flying we’re really sinking farther and farther into the illusions of our limited minds...”
I think it’s important to know what’s lurking under the surface in order to be more present with life. This is just a little peak of the inter workings of my mind scape.
Happy Saturday 🌸
