This is something I recently discovered on an old hard drive which, judging by the title, I probably wrote for a writing competition.
So I've recently met this new guy and have started to learn what it means to be a man, a typical sorta blokish guy. You see, he's pretty submissive. I tease him and call him a big girl. He feigns disbelief, puts on airs and pronounces “I AM NOT”. Then I tickle him and he giggles like a little boy.
This new guy is not what you would expect and hence my attraction to him. When I first saw a photo of him I was overcome by a lust, a desire to ruffle his hair and make him laugh. He is older and much taller but brings out my playful boyish side. I love rough-housing with him. I even like grabbing his arms and body and making him dance to a really fast tempo song, jerking him around. Like a big kitty.
So does this sound like I'm the masculine one? The top? I'm not sure although I still dance to Prince and flaunt my gaunt nude self around the house like a ballet dancer and I'm pretty self-assued about it. If there's no boyfriend around I'll dance around in my clothes with the cat instead. The cat likes it I'm sure.
I often feel a desire to grab and grope parts of my partner. Does that make me masculine?
He told me he used to paint his nails black whilst going through a goth phase when younger. He told me this as I am painting one of his fingernails a purple colour from my flatmate's nail polish I found in the lounge room. We are entwined together on the couch whilst I paint his nails.
The other night he came over for dinner. I made a delicious meal which included both pork and lean beef mince. I drank red wine and became playful and silly. I accidentally burped directly into his face and he gagged. He said it smelt like rotting meat and sour wine. Felt like a right old man cunt after that. It was funny.
That same night earlier he was recounting to me his massive problems with sleeping at night, only getting one or two hours of sleep a night. We were rolling around on my bed and he snuggled in almost falling asleep. My ipod was laying on the bed so I found the perfect opportunity to be mischievous and placed the headphones on full ball near his prone head. I blared gabber beats that instantly jarred him to reality, he was all wtf you could see the lights popping in his eyes making him dazed. Afterwards he called me a bastard and make me laugh boyishly by tickling me.
So tomorrow I see my boyfriend again. He is having big problems sleeping, anxiety, constantly running overactive mind. There is only one solution for a masculine type of guy to take and that is to fuck him into a state of senseless bliss where the mind collapses into a satisfied heap after being taken on a wild testosterone driven, sweaty, dirty and steamy ride.
Whilst I don't have much anal sex top or bottom, I recently identify myself as the dominant or masculine role in any man to man sexual encounter. I get a thrill out of it. I could get into explicit details as to how adapting a masculine mindset is superbly stimulating to me but I wont. This isn't a medium for pornography.
Furthermore being masculine is a force de rigeur in country or less densely populated areas. Even for the girls they are expected to be more rough and tumble and handy in a country environment
My ultimate dream is to live on a self-sustaining farm, run by me and whomever wants to participate and share the love of life. This sounds hippie-esque but it's more simple and intrinsic to me than that. My masculine side wants to protect people and provide for them. When I am not down in the dumps with how much of a loser I can be I love being able to help people especially via a devil's advocate type role. I love trying to get the best out of a person by challenging them. At times this means I am rude or downright arrogant to them. This is something to dislike and not stribe for. Never palm off being rude or arrogant or horrible as tough love or cruel to be kind. There is a fine line between starting a conflict by exposing a flaw or weakness in a friend or love and stating the truth in a constructive and unbiased manner with only the intent of betterment.
Is being masculine being a father figure to someone? To me being masculine is being knowledgable, aware, courteous and chivalrous. It's to have a sense of self that isn't compromised or altered, if it can be helped. All the men I have loved or adored have been great listeners and learners, keen adepts and disciples of our friendship. One man, possibly bisexual, whom I completely fell in love with was very masculine on the outside. He played sports, watched Rugby and tried to be a regular guy.
Our friendship was almost instant and I felt particularly calmed and relaxed by his presence. His voice was very deep, he was about 6ft 2 and very dry humoured/sardonic. He would laugh in an impression from Dr Hibbert from the Simpsons that was identical.
We hung out a lot, went to warehouse parties and clubs together. Pubs, dinner. Once our work won the most new insurance policy sales for the state NSW for that month so we won a bunch of coupons to use on travel, food, tickets etc. I ordered a meat platter for two in Darling Harbour for me and this guy. He came willingly and happily. We enjoyed the meat platter and each other's company immensely.
Walking back to my house through the CBD, we went past the entertainment centre. People were scalping tickets for tonight's show. It was Jet and Powderfinger. Powderfinger's last performance. I wasn't too keen but he was like a little excited boy. He didn't have any money on him and wasn't in the position to haggle with the scalplers so I haggled and bought two tickets for less than half the price you would buy them new.
He was so overjoyed and overwhelmed. He cried at one song and I felt lucky to have seen it.
We had many such moments where he would suddenly burst through with a very unmasculine trait, feeling comfortable in my prescence to do so. I truly wish I had taken the initiative and made my desires turn to reality.