-Do you speak English?
-Yes.
-Name?
-XXXXX
-Sex?
-2 or 3 times a week.
-No,no. I mean male or female?
-Yes, male, female, and somtimes camel.
-Holy cow!
-Yeah, cow,sheep, animals in general.
-Oh dear!
-No, deer runs too fast.
One day a man walked into a bar and to his amazement, he saw a tiny person playing a tiny
piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The bartender replied that inside the closet there was a fairy who will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a fairy inside.
Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared and filled the bar.
The man angrily stormed to the bartender and screamed "I think your fairy is a cheater! I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shook his head and replied, "So... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
English: The Official Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German (which was the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be> replaced with "f." This will make words like fotograf 20 per cent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, alwil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the fourth yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no> mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a war zone.
British soldier: Did you come here to die?
Australian soldier: Nah mate, I came here yesterday.
Man: I was going to make a joke about my penis, but it's too long.
Woman: I was going to make a joke about my vagina, but you won't get it .
"When can you leave those crutches at home?"
"My doctor told me it's okay, but my lawyer said not yet."
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