09/07/24
The lack of sleep has made the socialization a bit challenging today. My social battery went so low so fast - by this time, my mental energy is drained. I start to overanalyse what people say. I start to overthink. There are certain cues, words, and facial expressions that trigger me. I remember these. I remember people.
There's time. Too much time for waiting. Or at least this is the illusion my mind's telling me otherwise I wouldn't choose to wait in this van for so long. In exchange for what? A bit of comfort?
It is in these waiting moments that my mind starts to wander carelessly. And if I'm not careful - it will start going to places I don't dare to travel to again. And so, instead of waiting, I'll just write.
Books really do get stuck in me. The people-pleasing happens subconsciously at times. I'm worried, deep down, if I will be accepted or liked, which should not matter at all to be honest. Right people don't mind.
The feeling is when someone seems to watch every wrong thing I say - and make it about them. The trigger always is when I'm being asked for validation. No, I certainly do not want this. Let me not be the source. Let me by myself. Let me be free to make mistakes.
Like everything else - these feelings will pass. Things that trigger me. This is just brought up by my sleeplessness.
Gotta stick to the few ones who don't mind.
09/08/24
Beauty is Terror. Beauty is rarely soft or consolatory. Genuine beauty is always quite alarming
My cat came to my mind as soon as I read this quote from this book I am currently reading "The Secret History".
Aren't we drawn to beautiful creatures? Beautiful things. Like my cat, so pleasant to look at, so nice to hug. I shower him with concentrated love and affection. However if the cat wants to be alone - this must be respected. If boundaries are crossed - this same cat I dearly love is capable of hurting me. Of terror.
Then there's the rose - so mysteriously beautiful. Yet capable of drawing blood from you should you dare pick it up and touch its thorns. The rose needs to be left alone too.
A wild thing cannot be easily tamed.
All of this made me realized that not only beauty needs to be loved. Beauty must be respected too.
Treat anything beautiful with care. Beauty deserves kindness too - genuine kindness.
At the heart of all beauty lies something inhuman.
It seems that Albert Camus knows it well as well.
Beauty has its end.
Just like in nature, we see something that captivates us - we immediately appeal to our primal instinct of owning it, making it suffer even - for there's some kind of cruelty and threat in there. We own them before they own us. Punish them even for unsettling us and making us feel vulnerable.
Beauty is Pain.
Like a lonely wildflower, it cannot trust a passing stranger anymore. Will this pick me up and prey upon me? My wildness? My courage to be myself and exist - just like everyone else?
Don't abuse. Don't latch on to it for affection and validation. Beauty has nothing to offer but its existence.
Excuse this chaos - my thoughts were faster than my handwriting.
You have the cutest penmanship❣️
I think you're the first person who said this to me lol. I fee like it is more of ADHD handwriting haha.
What van?
My handwriting kind of looks like yours. Weird!
lowest of the low van ha ha ha. Like a mini bus.
Proof? 😊
Pictures of your new bus would suffice:)
It is the public bus. I wish I have a van but the traffic tho lol.
Proof that our handwritings are weirdly the same I mean. Pls do post yours !
Demon Straight
Demonstrate
D monster i ate.
Who and what we are is ours. Validate my delusion, dilution my validation.
Your shares and musings always stimulate me. Thank you
I love this Haiku or poem or something! 😊
Thanks gosh it's been years, and yet we're still here!