if you don't have time to read, there's a video embedded below :) that is a part of this story...that I made back when this all happened

In 2014 I was running a highly profitable IT company, making way more money than I'd ever made in my life, and from the "outside"...living the dream.

But I was completely lost and totally unhappy.

What I was doing, I absolutely hated. But was trapped because of the money it brought and the lifestyle I maintained.

Shortly before that year I had begun this sort of unintentional journey of becoming authentic...I call it "becoming barefoot"

The idea in every area of my life was to be more authentic and honest, to stop wasting life doing and consuming myself withing things that were not my truth, my honesty, my journey...

But that sort of self awareness doesn't stem from some intention to do that...it often rises out of a misery. I basically had a choice, to keep experiencing the comforts of a "normal" life and be miserable, knowing I was abandoning myself. Or, abandon my comforts in pursuit of myself. To honor myself.

After about a year or so grappling this, in mid-summer of 2014 I received an email early one morning from my largest client. They were cancelling their contract with me. This meant that in 45 days I would no longer be receiving that fat check...which was the bulk of all my business.

It's like the universe heard my heart's yearning, to break out of this self-made prison, and provided the perfect opportunity for it...one that I did not yet possess the courage to enact.

But I did have the courage to embrace it. And I did. Immediately I began working to pour my focus and my energy into only doing what I love...and I loosely committed to that principle of only ever doing what resonates with me.

I say I loosely committed to it, because I was still quite afraid. I had never done this. I was raised in a very conservative christian environment where my focus was always outward, to trust another being over myself. What I was embarking on was the journey of trusting myself. And that scared the s*** out of me.

And honestly, it still does.

Now days I'm solidly committed to myself, to only allowing into my space things and people who resonate and honor this same mantra, of being authentic and doing only that which you love and are made of. That doesn't mean I don't do the dishes anymore...because honestly I hate doing the dishes...but I love eating on clean dishes! So I'm willing to do whatever it takes, to do what I love...sometimes it requires big picture thinking to see it and keep that focus.

I'm not there yet by any means..."there" being the perfect peace and harmony with this life and my own self confidence and awareness. When I have money problems, I sometimes still find myself in a knee jerk reaction, trying to deal with the issues at the bank of the river...it's like if you were at a river and you kept seeing people floating past, drowning and calling for help, you want to save them immediately. But why are they all coming down this river? Who's throwing non-swimmers into the river? So we sometimes need to be quiet, stop the chaos and knee jerking, and travel upstream to see what the heck is happening.

My "upstream" is very multifaceted and interwoven with a lot of indoctrination when I was young, instances where I've failed in the past, and even the present responsibilities of being a single dad.

But this is the exciting part about "awakening", it's not living life asleep. It's being authentic and honest about yourself and what you really are feeling. Deep within, beyond all the excuses and justifications for what we do every day..."well I love writing so I love writing sales copy for this company"...may be a justification for me, because I actually love writing poetry, short stories, and philosophy. But I justify a gig because it will pay the bills.

Okay, let me get back on track.

So about 2 years ago, almost to the day, I received that email and made the decision to go for it. To pursue and embrace my truest nature, my poet in me, the artist.

I did a GoFundMe to raise money for publishing my first book of poetry and began pouring my energy into understanding the publishing world.

It was one of the hardest things to do, to walk away from that business...albeit failing...and instead of starting another one, or negotiating the contract and trying to save it, or instead of pouring all my energy into that thing I hated...I chose to pour all my energy into doing what I love and being who I am.

That road has not been easy. It's been super super hard. Because I've done what I don't love for so long, more of my life years have been spent doing what I don't want/don't love/being who I'm not/pleasing others, than embracing my true nature.

So for starters, I really was just beginning to figure out who I am...what I'm all about. I was just beginning to figure out what I love doing, I knew one thing, I love writing poetry and being a poet. It's nearly necessary, actually kind of is necessary, for me to write poetry. When I write, I'm just allowing the poem to share itself. I'm not contriving it, driving it, or controlling it. I'm letting it.

But when I really took that big step, where I said I'm going to do this thing I love and only do what I love...it was challenging reality, at least my reality. It was saying, "okay universe, let's see if you cater to this sort of spirit of deliberate passion and embrace for my truest nature."

Another reason why this was such a hard journey, and still has been quite challenging, is because I'm so able to get in my own way. I used to hear stuff like that and didn't fully understand it. The older I get and the more intentional I am about honoring my true nature and only doing what I love...the more I understand why I am my own worst enemy or best support...depending on how I treat myself and a myriad of other things that would take all day to write about...and I want to share the poem and video here too... so I don't want to ramble on too long, and if I have just skip to the end! :)

Before I took that big step, I had taken a road trip to Knoxville TN and sat in this little cafe in the rain, downtown, and was watching these birds in the road, gathering to bathe in the puddles forming. And this poem burst from within so I let it out.

Months later I was reading the email. Thrilled to have that opportunity I needed to embrace myself, terrified to know my money would be cut short soon. As I built my plan to publish and worked on the GoFundMe, I thought to make a short poetic video to express to potential donors my journey, this journey of pushing life to the limits, to the edges of the universe, peering over into the abyss and choosing to jump. I didn't want a video that just explained my plan, it needed to embody me.

So I made a short video, set to one of my favorite Sigur Ros songs, Glosoli. I didn't know the lyrics at the time, just felt like the right song...then I chose this poem to be onscreen throughout the video.

Here's the video I made to sort of express my journey out of the job I hated, to becoming barefoot, authentic, and embracing my poetry:

After publishing it to GoFundMe, I thought "I wonder what the official music video is like and what the lyrics to that song mean?"

So I looked it up.

I sat there and began crying as I saw how this song that I just felt compelled to pair with my video and poem, how it's official music video matched with my poem, like they were made for each other. I knew what I had to do. So I created this collab in a video editor. The music video and song of course are Sigur Ros, the poem is mine that I wrote in that cafe.

And as a side note, I looked up the lyric translation to their lyrics, and they also matched my journey like amazingly and poetically. The whole experience of discovering this and connecting these dots, was a huge motivating force in affirming my commitment to myself and doing what I love and building my own life around awakening, authenticity and honesty with the universe, and always only ever doing what you love.

May it be of inspiration and hope to you, as it has to me. Below I'll post the video (from Vimeo) and the words to my poem. Like all my poetry that I share, I honor however it speaks to you. But I also want to add in just something that came to me recently, which I think can encourage people who, like I was, are realizing they are not satisfied with abandoning self...but maybe feel it's too late, too old, too busy. This moment, right here, is your moment, there are no rules to stop you, except the rules you have created or are embracing. I still have to remind myself of that every day. So I hope I can encourage others who are on this same journey of awakening and expanding beyond the self-imposed prisons we often find ourselves within.

Enjoy!!

To collab video:

The poem:

This was our time, our moment
to dance in the road in the rain.

We were like angels again.
Like children starting a revolution.
behind closed eyes, lies, the universe never calloused or chambered grudges.

Only becomes water.

See my rippling beginnings
brimming upon the lip of the cup;
Where my tears well and regrets fade.
Take me by my cold unsettled hand.
Draw to me your torch, in this dark fading evening; when the ocean can run through you…

That one time when I realized I hated what I was doing...and admitted it

To collab video:

The poem:

This was our time, our moment
to dance in the road in the rain.

We were like angels again.
Like children starting a revolution.
behind closed eyes, lies, the universe never calloused or chambered grudges.

Only becomes water.

See my rippling beginnings
brimming upon the lip of the cup;
Where my tears well and regrets fade.
Take me by my cold unsettled hand.
Draw to me your torch, in this dark fading evening; when the ocean can run through you…

The broken wings need the flames
to singe off all our outer gamings.
Revealing how we soar at twilight.

That one time when I realized I hated what I was doing...and admitted it

To collab video:

The poem:

This was our time, our moment to dance in the road in the rain.

We were like angels again. Like children starting a revolution. behind closed eyes, lies, the universe never calloused or chambered grudges.

Only becomes water.

See my rippling beginnings brimming upon the lip of the cup; Where my tears well and regrets fade. Take me by my cold unsettled hand. Draw to me your torch, in this dark fading evening; when the ocean can run through you…

The broken wings need the flames to singe off all our outer gamings. Revealing how we soar at twilight.

This was our time, our moment
to dance in the road in the rain.

We were like angels again.
Like children starting a revolution.
behind closed eyes, lies, the universe never calloused or chambered grudges.

See my rippling beginnings
brimming upon the lip of the cup;
Where my tears well and regrets fade.
Take me by my cold unsettled hand.
Draw to me your torch, in this dark fading evening; when the ocean can run through you…

The broken wings need the flames
to singe off all our outer gamings.
Revealing how we soar at twilight.